12year old setting fires in bedroom

[Amira19]

I've been in tears all day after discovering that 12 year old ds has destroyed his carpet and has purposely burned it. I have two other ds and I'm concerned for their safety. He was caught burning paper in the kitchen on Saturday and now this. Im at my wits I've rung my local council for help but I'm just fed up with it all. I guess I'm sounding off but I'm really struggling with it all.

We have had on going issues from.the start see my thread below. (FYI it was his dad who I'm not with that wanted to cancel his Christmas presents.)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4079264-To-cancel-Christmas-for-12-who-wont-behave-at-school

Ring your local Fire Service - look on their website for their non-emergency number. They may run an education programme for children who are obsessed with or setting fires.

I'm so sorry, sounds grim. My sister at the same age lit the net curtains in our parents' bedroom to 'see if they'd burn'. They did and so did the rest of the room. She had a total bollocking from the fire brigade (and our dad) and never tried it again. Sounds daft, but does he need to channel whatever it is inside that's disruptive? Boxing club, local rugby team, kick boxing? Something he might see as a bit of a physical challenge. I haven't read your other thread so apologies if I'm talking rubbish. Big hug 🤗

You might need to see the GP with a view to your DS having his MH assessed, as arson is linked to some MH conditions, as well as being a deliberate act for gain.

If you mention to gp it might help with a cahms urgent referral. I second looking for an outlet for his anger, I'm usually not keen on boxing and martial arts but it proven to be good with disruptive kids, especially if run by a good mentor

My dd, 16, recently did this.
Make sure all lighters and matches are locked away. Like others have said, ring the fire service who might be able to send someone round.
And make sure your smoke detectors are working.
I’d hit the roof about doing such a silly and dangerous thing.

This would really worry me because I'd assume he understood how dangerous it is and he could become a fire bug. I would ask the fire service to come and speak with him. If that didn't work I'd take him to the police who may give him a stern talking to because arson is against the law. I would also get him really into whatever sport or hobby he is interested in even if it took a while to find something he could really get into. External discipline like boxing or the martial arts are really good for confidence and boundaries. Would he like cooking as a distraction? I would also speak to his gp to see if he has mental health issues or needs counselling. Mind used to run an excellent counselling service called Time for you.

I had a fire fascination at the same age OP. I honestly don't know why - maybe something about feeling like I had power and control. I use to light paper, flannels, fabric, anything really, always in my room. My mum never knew.

I distinctly remember pouring nail varnish remover into a glass and holding a flame over it, planning to drop it in just to see what happened. Luckily I chickened out, the near miss REALLY freaked me out and I never lit anything on fire again. I often think how my life could have changed in that split second.

Anyway, definitely speak to the fire service they will comes across this all the time

Is their any chance that he's taking drugs? I've seen boys his age smoking weed

No drugs, he said he was bored contacting the local life department and now under the family hub services.

do you feel safe with him in your home OP?

if he is considered a danger to himself or others... you must speak to Social Services immediately.. 🌺

Oh how scary! I did have a thing about fire for a while around that age but never ever inside the house and it would scare the life out of me if my kids did it. I think in usual times the fire service would help with some education/ come round and scare the bejeezus out of him but not too sure at the moment- worth asking though

DH is a retired fireman.

They will come and fit additional smoke detectors and also put other things in place.

It's a lot more common than you think.

It would be classed as an emergency/urgent so they will come out to you.

They might even be able to do the 'chip pan' demonstration for him, which shows just how quickly fire can spread.

I think lots of kids are really curious abot fire.
I know I used to be.
My DD has been setting fires of different types for years, we have a log burner so it was very easy for us to manage.
Fires only to be set in the log burner inside, or in cast iron pit outside.
Candle allowed in bedroom only while DD is in there, if any of the rules are broken all fire will be stoped.
She very really takes advantage of what she’s allowed to do and we have never had any problems.
I think a lot of it has to do with how you feel about fire, it really doesn’t bother me or DH.
DD is now 14 and we have had our rules for about 6-7 years.

Can you remove his bedroom door so he gets less privacy (and confidence) to do things like this?

I used to burn things in my room when I was 15. I had a tin and would just burn paper. My parents never knew. My son who is 24 told me he also likes burning things. I don’t know what the answer is, hopefully someone can suggest something.

Definitely speak to your local Fire Station.

I imagine they will happily have a strong word / chat / educate your son.

I work in the Police and years ago had to speak to a young lad who was doing similar. I spoke to the local fire brigade who popped round there for a chat with him as well. I followed up with the mum a few weeks later and the behaviour had stopped. It’s worth a try.

Thankyou everyone for you're comments, I took my self to bed early yesterday as I had a foggy head. I've spoken to the fire department they are ringing me back and the family hub will be in contact in regards into his behaviour at home.

You cannot live with this kid of danger OP 🌺

He may have to be removed from the family home... if he is deemed a danger to himself and others ...

good luck

My partners 12 year old son has been caught doing this on a couple of occasions too. My partners close friend is a firefighter and he had a stern chat with him but he has done it again since then. We try to make sure he doesn’t have access to any matches or lighters. Hope it’s just an age thing

Does your son have matches in his bedroom then or a lighter?

This is worrying
I remember a neighbour a few doors down on the street I grew up on had 4 sons. The youngest one literally burned the house down. He was upstairs in his bedroom playing with a lighter. Mum was downstairs and before she knew it she smelled smoke and saw her youngest running downstairs - in seconds the whole whole was up in flames. Even the house next door caught fire too. The son had burns on his chest and back of his head.
They had to move and the house was uninhabitable for the best part of a year.
I’m not trying to scare you - it’s just something I’ve never forgotten.

Good luck and I hope the fire dept are able to get through to him.

This must be so difficult for you, my son is younger but I can see him doing something like this.

Our local fire service do a course for kids with challenging behaviour who have been involved in starting fires. The do lots of activities with them and it's really effective.
It might not be running just now with covid but maybe they are able to get an officer or someone in the fire service to speak with him.

Where's he getting the matches/lighters from? I would be doing daily searches and keeping him in, if he cannot be trusted.

What about getting him to join Scouts. It will give him something positive to do with learning about how to set fires safely outside and cook on them and how to put them out safely.

All the hiking and general outside skills would be a positive thing for your son.

Our local group do axe throwing, archery, whittling wood with pen knives building dens in the woods all sorts.

HTH

I read your other thread, OP - I think many of these answers are in isolation.

He sounds like there's definitely additional stuff going on, not just bored/naughty - I would definitely suggest having him assessed asap for mental health condition or (seemed most likely to me from my layperson's position) ADHD.

Waiting lists are massive for CAMHS at the moment, but the fire starting might push him further up the list, I'm guessing.

As I say, I'm in no way a professional, but if I were you I'd start doing some serious research and push to get him the support (and poss diagnosis) he needs asap.