I have bipolar, but haven't self-harmed for years (due to my little one).
Last night I got so upset I scratched myself (not badly), my little one was upset in the bath as I was crying...I'm such a failure.
The issue is Dsis.
Before my Dbro died, I asked my parents for dinner. I'd not seen them Christmas Day for three years as she was single. This year she has a boyfriend, so they agreed it was fair to come to me, and see their only grandchild who is still a child.
My sister kicked off (enabled by her boyfriend who told her that it's her parents , so she is entitled to have them for Christmas).
I tried to make peace, suggested that I have them early (or take dinner round, as dad is terminally ill, and at times bedbound). Then she could pop over after lunch. I told her that as my only surviving sibling I didn't want any falling out, and understood she wanted to see them too, so I had them for dinner (or take it round), then she could see them after. All agreed.
On Saturday I saw them and dad mentioned Christmas. Mum and dad's best friend, who was there, reiterated the plans, all fine. Dad sometimes has severe diarrhoea (to the point that he can't get off the loo and becomes dehydrated, so the plans are flexible).
Yesterday my (adult) son told me that Dsis had been on the phone and upset dad over it.
I phoned up and dad said one of us needs to compromise and have Boxing Day...fine I said, but we'd already arranged dinner, then Dsis coming over, so maybe she could do Boxing Day dinner as well as seeing them Christmas Day. Dad said he was fed up it the arguments were making him ill. I put the phone down, and scratched myself. I don't know why. I wasn't causing an argument. It was arranged. I didn't understand why they were entertaining her, and I felt shit that I was in the wrong. My husband spoke to my mum, and it was agreed that what was arranged would stand... Dad said I should speak to my sister, but she refuses to speak to me.
Today I went to see what medicines dad needs. Dad was crying. Dsis had phoned and told him that he won't see her (adult) DS as he may be working Boxing Day, so they either cancel me, or don't see him. She claimed that she hadn't seen them for Christmas for years (how the fuck they didn't pull her up on that I don't know - we had my stepson last year, my own son couldn't come, and my DD was upset that nanny & grandad couldn't come as they were at her's all day)!
She also said that her boyfriend may have a job and may work Boxing Day (he's been living with her, doesn't have a job, lives off her tax credits she claims as a single person, and they both get money from my parents to help out).
My DH may be working Boxing Day - he works shifts, and we never know till the week before what his shifts will be (definitely not Christmas Day), and he actually has a job, Dsis's boyfriend is just looking for work).
I can't drive (and can't learn due to MH medication plus I need an ankle replacement, so even walking is difficult).
I don't want to upset dad, but hate coming last. My brother used to fight my corner, tell dad when he was biased towards Dsis .
Dsis has told dad that I can take over taking him to appointments (she knows I can't drive), unless they cancel me in favour of her.
I don't want to cause an argument, I haven't spoken to Dsis (apart from trying to help her with the grant for self-employed people), but she is blackmailing and making dad upset.
I know the compromise would be me agreeing to Boxing Day (which mum DOESN'T want, she wants to come to me), as it would make Dsis happy and she would be nice to dad. But I don't want to. It may be his last Christmas - DD hasn't seen him many times on Christmas (and she wet the bed due to having a nightmare about him dying). My nephew may not want to go anyway as he now has a girlfriend.
Dsis cut me out when Dbro died, informing the hospital that she was his first contact (intiated by her BF who said he was her brother so she had the right).
I just feel so left out.
I understand how petty this is. But I cannot help not crying about this. I knew Dsis would expect Christmas with them, which is why I asked first, and dad said he wants to come, but isn't happy with Dsis being unhappy.
Christmas all together is impossible. My parents place is too small (mainly due to mum's hoarding), Dsis wouldn't come to me as her BF doesn't like me due to a car issue, and I also heard him being rude about my size when Dsis was offering to lend me clothes for Dbro's funeral (I didn't need them, but that's what she thinks of me, not even able to dress appropriately).