Who could clean my fathers house?

[lilfoxfur]

My dad is living in squalor. He has serious health issues which don't help. When I say squalor, I mean his home looks like something from How Clean Is Your House.

I used to go there and tidy up a bit but it's now beyond that. He urinates everywhere. He has a commode but does not use it. He pees in bottles and just leaves them everywhere. Sometimes he spills them. I suspect he pours them down his kitchen sink.

Every room is piled high with rubbish. Broken furniture mainly. The toilet is just... unusable basically, though he does use it for number 2s.

I'm supposed to be visiting today and I'm dreading it. I know I sound cold and unfeeling but he was an absolutely terrible father, he's an alcoholic which has caused the majority of his health issues, all I remember of him as a child was violence and belittling. My brother and sister have washed their hands of him and refuse to help. He's only 63 so we could have years of this yet.

Do you know whether there are cleaners that exist who specialise in truly terrible homes? I thought about contacting the council but he used to work for them and I think he'd be embarrassed.

I honestly think you should wash your hands of him as well. He has not been a father to you and you are not obligated to do anything (except report his situation to social services, the way you would for anyone living in squalor).

This is not your problem and there is probably nothing you can do anyway. Please step away and protect yourself.

Cleaning the house will not work. This is a mental health issue. It'll be clean for the day it is done, then it will all start over again.

God that sounds horrific. Is it a council house or owned privately?

Honestly it sounds like heath hazard, I cant imagine regular cleaning companies touching it. You can get specialist companies who clean places where someone has been dead a long time, crime scenes etc so used to dealing with bodily fluid.

Would he allow them to do it though?

I would also add that if he was violent and abusive and awful to you as a child why do you see him? I would leave him to drink himself to death in bloody misery..... sorry I know that sounds harsh and horrible. It can't be easy for you seeing him but I wonder why you put yourself through it. X

Also agree with PP, even if you get it clean it will end up disgusting again.

Yes, you would be able to get cleaners to help with this, but if he has serious health issues then a care plan needs to be arranged for him, depending on what they are and this would involve getting social services involved. But you could probably get a professional cleaning company to come in, but I expect they would want to do a complete clean up. There are lots of people wanting cleaning jobs at the moment, who although your situation sounds bad with your Dad, I’m sure they’ve seen it all before.

Talk with your Dad and ask him what amount of help he would like. If he cannot afford cleaners you can apply for attendance allowance. I did this for my father in law.

You need to report this to social services ASAP .
He needs support as well as the house cleaning.
The neighbours also deserve this to be tackled by the authorities as the unsanitary conditions will affect them before long if they haven’t already .

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Agree with babbi, report to adult social services.

Came to say the same as babbi.
Does he have any professionals involved?

You need Adult Services OP - they can offer help other than the cleaning. I’m afraid the time for embarrassment is long gone and this is now a matter concerning his ongoing care. Not to mention public health. They will know how to tackle the issues with sensitivity.

I go to houses like this a lot working for the ambulance service. We also report to adult social services so if your Dad has had any health professional out a referral will most likely have been done already. But definitely do one yourself too. And I'm sorry to say but if he's anything like most of the patients we see he probably won't survive years and years. My fil was like this and died at 60.

Agree that he needs support but he has to want to change and if he has a hoarding illness, it's not a case of just clearing his property and all will be well.

Would he consider moving to a supported living facility where he can get daily help? Definitely seek advice about what benefits/help with costs he might be entitled to, but if he has someone coming in daily to clean away rubbish and urine bottles, maybe a reasonable standard of cleanliness can be maintained and the rubbish won't build up too much?

@lilfoxfur you can’t fix this and your father’s choices are not your responsibility.

Believe me, I know how hard it is, but step back.

Ring Social services and ask for help for him. It doesn’t matter if he’s embarrassed. They can assess him and decide what to do.

Also, if you haven’t done so, I’d really recommend therapy for you. It’s been a godsend for me in dealing with my father.

Thanks so much for the replies. I'll have a look at the adult social services website. Hopefully there'll be some contact information on there.

I still see him out of duty I suppose. And I pity him. He's so sick and lonely.

Will look at SS now and report back

Noone chooses to live like this. He needs help.

Its so hard as a child of a parent like this (my mum has mental health problems and drinks periodically). You almost need to detactch from your (quite reasonable) desire for a parent and grieve the loss of a parent who can, well, parent. Alongside that there's a person who is suffering. It's a tricky line to walk.

Social services won’t be much help if he refuses to let them, or anyone else, into the house.
Unless he’s been officially deemed to lack mental capacity, e.g. if he has dementia - is that a possibility? I have heard of certain types being alcohol-related - then nobody can force him to accept any intervention.

Dementia would need to be officially diagnosed though, which could be another very tall order - it doesn’t sound as if he’d willingly go to the necessary GP/hospital appointments.

I agree with pps that any major clean up would probably be very short lived before squalor takes over again.

It does sound harsh to say, wash your hands of him, but in the circumstances you describe, it may save a lot of fruitless effort, hassle and worry.

Hi OP, what a difficult situation for you. You are being torn in two directions at once. I think you need to try to step back and look at the situation from a distance if you can. A referral to ASS would be a start, then you will feel that you have done something positive. It might be, going forward, that you need to have minimal contact with your father for your own sake but you can still try to help him from a distance 👍🏼

Are you in the UK? Which area (roughly) are you in? People may be able to give you suggestions of more localised help if you're happy to post a little more information. Good luck 💐