I hate my life and I just need someone to listen

[CandEB]

I feel really alone and I have absolutely no one to talk to. I have 3 dcs (4 months, 2 and 5) and my eldest has Asd.
Starting around January this year ds5 began to rapidly decline in his ability to cope with school. He started to have an increasing number of violent meltdowns every day. The school had started to talk about an ehc needs assessment but that we had to wait for his reports from educational psychologist etc to come through first. Then lockdown happened and everything was put on hold. Ds struggled alot during lockdown and seemed significantly less happy. I also gave birth during lockdown which was an incredibly lonely experience. In the first few weeks I struggled quite a bit with anxiety but thankfully both older dc were delighted.
Once school reopened ds has deteriorated dramatically and now every day is hell. The slightest thing causes a huge meltdown. I'm covered in bruises and so is ds from his head banging. The school have him on a one hour part time timetable as he basically cannot cope in a mainstream school and the staff do not have adequate training to cope with his complex needs. Every school day he screams "I can't do it anymore mummy don't make me go". My heart is fucking broken I can't take this anymore. The ehc request was finally made but everything feels so far away until he can have the right support.
Dd2 is so easy going but everyday I feel so bad for not being able to spend as much time with her as I would like too because of ds and the baby. My life feels unbearable and I feel so alone. I have nothing to look forward to anymore and because of covid no support from anyone. I'm a piece of shit mother and every time I look at my kids I feel like I'm not good enough. I sometimes wonder if they'd be better off if they had a different mother.
Dh really is not that supportive. He can sometimes act like he cares but other times I get told off for acting "miserable". I don't feel close enough to anybody else to talk too. Two weeks ago it was my birthday and even my own parents completely forgot. I just feel so shit.

Oh bless your heart. Do you have a health visitior you can speak to? Your mum?

I dont know much about having a child with sen but I couldnt just read and run, I hope someone will come soon to help you soon.

Oh you poor love, that sounds horrendously challenging. I am sure people with more experience will be along to offer lots of seasoned advice, but I hate the thought of you feeling alone. Motherhood can be so lonely at times, and that is without all the additional stresses you are under.

For what it is worth, it sounds like you are coping admirably just to get through each day and keep your head above water. Nothing you say suggests you are a remotely shit mother.

My first instinct (beyond wanting to give you a hug) is that I wonder if it would be preferable just to remove your eldest from school for now and let him have a period of ‘unschooling’ for a few weeks / months to bring him back onto a more even keel. I appreciate that will be hard with two small children at home already, but if the limited provision of school he has already is creating extra stress for you all I wonder if it would be beneficial to reset things with a break from it all and revisit it once a more appropriate setting is found?

You are not a shit mum. I once said the same to a lady at CAMHS and she said “shit mums wouldn’t be sitting here worrying about there child”. You sound a very tired mum. Not a shit one. You sound completely overwhelmed and I can identify with the school issue and I know what a huge effect alone this can have on your mental health. I would be concentrating on getting a appointment with a gp to talk about how you’re feeling and what effect everything is having on your mental health. You need to get yourself strong again. One day at a time, even sometimes an hour at a time. Don’t lose hope. You’re stronger than you think!

Oh my goodness OP you're dealing with a heap of stress just now and I imagine it feels completely helpless. I too have an ASD boy and at times have just felt like I wanted to run away and never return. I can't even imagine dealing with meltdowns, a baby, a lockdown and what sounds like a 4th child (your DH). EHC needs assessments are behind at the moment due to covid so it could be some time before the cavalry arrive. What is the SENCO at school saying? Is there a TA who can be spared to work with him in the meantime? How ASD-savvy are the school? Have they had any experience with complex needs like his? Lastly have you had a sensory profile mentioned? A lot of ASD kids needs are actually sensory and therefore school is just overwhelming. Depending on how it was arranged, part time school might not even be legal...

For you: are you getting breaks? Are there times when your DH can have the baby so you can have 1:1 time with each of your older children? To remind you of their good qualities and to relieve the guilt.

I hope some of this helps - when you're deep in the hole (I was about 5 months ago) it can all seem helpless but please hang in there and be kind to yourself. Xxx

My heart goes out to you, you need to see your gp first, then you need to speak and have support from your husband, he will have to take some responsibility nights and weekends if he is working in week. Keeping your son at home will calm him in the short term, speak with your health visitor and look at changing to a specialised school which may be more beneficial. You have lots to do BUT DO NOT GIVE UP AS YOU CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Just concentrate on staying calm, being happy with your children, let your husband cook dinner etc. Maybe he can play with your daughter or take your son out at weekend and you can recharge. I really hope you can access some help. Is your 2 year old due to start preschool next year?

Ds school is pretty supportive but they have admitted that they cannot cope with his needs. His one hour a day is spent alone with a TA basically playing with toys as learning is completely out of the question. Every one involved has said they are basically babysitting him untill he can move on too a specialised school. Thank you for the support

I always worry about not seeming perfect for some reason. I hate the thought of others thinking I'm a horrible mother and I'd worry the gp would think so. I know I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and talk to somebody. Dd is going to be starting preschool soon and that should help. I really worry about the effect of ds5 condition will have on her. One of the positive things is is that she loves the baby and is always happy to snuggle up on my lap with her. She always talks about the baby being her best friend

You’re gp is not there to judge. They are there to listen and to help. Please don’t be afraid of speaking to them. I know this isn’t the answer but a step in the right direction. Please don’t be hard on yourself, you’re allowed to ask for help. Small steps.

You are not a shit mum, you're coping with a really difficult situation.

I don't know whether making him go is the right thing, what would it be like if he didn't go for a while?

I have no personal experience so just wondering what I might do.

Even in half term and weekends he still struggles but I do feel like overtime his anxiety would lessen which would hopefully lessen the meltdowns. I would love to pull him out my only reservation would be if this would impact the actual ehc needs assessment as I could not homeschool long term as he is so reluctant to learn. The best case scenario would be if I could pull him out untill he is able to attend a specialised school.

I would perhaps look at contacting SENDIAS. They helped me when I couldn’t see the options for my daughter with attending school. Really helpful and told me what options are available and what school should and shouldn’t be doing.

I just found out my 7 yr old is ASD he was exactly like this until about a month ago but his school have turned things around as they spotted it as ASD while I thought he was out of control because of my parenting and I suspected dyspraxia.

At first they used the 'den', a room that he can go into to calm down but since the first lockdown his behaviour had become much worse so he now spends most of his day in there with a few other kids, they are doing little bits of learning sometimes but they are mostly doing crafts, games that improve motor skills, coordination and teaching calm down techniques and social skills through the playing they do The difference is life changing honestly.
I only get "Please don't make me go" every few days and he can be cajoled quite easily because he adores the support staff and on those mornings I ring before we leave and we are met at the gate to prevent a meltdown when he goes in.

Have you looked at other schools if his isn't helping him enough?

You need support from somewhere, just having an ASD child alone is more than some would cope with, it's exhausting and totally shit when it's bad, you're not unusual in how you're feeling, don't worry about being judged you won't be the first or last Mum hating everything and feeling like crap that your gp has seen and a course of antidepressants might help much more than you expect.

Hang in there.

You are doing your best. School has trained professionals working with him for a short time, and they're struggling, and you're doing it pretty much full time

A boy with ASD joined DS2's class in y1 after struggling with yR in a different school. The different setting has worked for him and he is very gradually integrating more with the class over the last couple of years. Sometimes a change is needed to reset. But it's hard when the system clunks so slowly.

Every child with ASD is different, but all who have a diagnosis have been recognised as having significant difficulties that affect their function some clearly more than others. And it's hard, so hard when your child is struggling and draining on your resources when there's no magic wand to make it easier for either of you.
I've been there when DS1 was triggered into a 4 hour, violent meltdown because I asked him if he'd changed his reading book. My shins remember that one well.

It's easy to feel isolated, especially now, but you're not alone in finding the situation challenging. You're doing your best, and that's all anyone can ask of you

Have youlooked at alternative schools? Push for the EHCP contact sepecail educational information and advice service (sendia) through your council to see what support you /him can get, contact the autistics society see if they can offer support/advice.

Trained professional teachers can't cope with him for more than one hour and you're beating yourself up about coping with his autism and two other children including a newborn? Give yourself a break here! You are doing your best without enough support.
School were wrong to say they had to wait for the EP before putting in for the needs assessment. The EP will come in as part of that. The fact they can't cope should make it easier to get the assessment and hopefully the plan.
I don't think they are allowed to exclude him for 5 hours a day so you could push back if you have the energy and think it's right for him.
Have you been referred to a disability HV or a disability social worker?

The school had started an early help assessment in order to be able to have a multi agency meeting (a tac I think), and had suggested an early help worker to support him in the home setting. Not quite sure exactly what they are though.
I know I have a lot of my plate I do really feel awful for bringing another baby into this mess. She was completely unplanned but absolutely loved. I keep trying to remember that both dds won't remember any of this

Ah don't feel guilty about bringing her into your lives. Things are starting to move along with getting some support in place so it will be better.
I'm not an expert on early years support but it sounds like the council services to help are being assembled. A pp mentioned SENDIAS and talking to them is a good idea. They should be able to tell you what to expect from TAC etc. The woman I occasionally speak to at ours is really feisty and cheers me up no end. Your GP might also be able to suggest emotional support if your DH is not helping.