Mother thinks "boys will be boys"

[Squidpinky]

My youngest started school in September and I have 2 older girls.

My youngest has become very friendly with another boy who is very loud, very boisterous, what I would call disrespectful to his parents and has gotten into trouble a few times already.

The teacher has advised me at parents evening that my son and this boy have been "playfighting" alot at school which i kind of knew as my son has come home with injuries. I have spoken to his mum who i am friendly with and her response is always "boys will be boys"

After an incident where my son had marks around his neck I contact the school to notify them of these marks and was told that they roughness was getting out of hand and she has had to speak to them on several occasions. I sat my son down and asked him what was going on and he told me that there are two other boys he likes to play with but this "rough" boy doesn't like him having any other friends. He told me that the only thing this boy ever wants to play is fighting and that if he goes off to play with someone else then this boy tells the teacher on him.

I had the boy round to my house for a playdate before lockdown and found him to be quite spiteful in that he would push my son and my son would push him back but then he would come and tell me that my son had hit him and hurt him. My son says this happens at school all the time.

I have spoken with the mother about this and her response is "they are both as bad as one another" and "its a boy thing"

My son never play fights at home with me or his sisters or his dad and I have spoken to the other two mums of the two boys he likes and they say that my son isn't rough with their boys at all. School say they will keep an eye on it but I'm worried now that this is going to become a problem as they go through school.

Has anyone had any experience of this? He is my first boy and I didn't have this issue with the girls (only bitchiness but never physical)

the woman is bringing up the local thugs. Get your son away from this child who is already being twisted beyond belief.

'marks round neck'??? Jesus. Raise hell with the school.

I have 2 DSs (9&6) and I hate the whole boys will be boys saying.

They do not now, now have they ever play fought unless they're practicing karate in slow motion. Even when they play physically, they're gentle with each other and always with other kids.

I'm never going to raise thugs. Neither of them have ever been physical with other kids and it's an excuse for shit parenting.

I have 2 DSs. One is very gentle and plays with the girls at school. The other is very normal average boy but was in the “wrong” class with tons of boisterous boys in Reception and a teacher who had the attitude “boys will be boys” and they will grow up etc - but really she was close to retirement and didn’t have the energy or inclination to sort them out. In your situation, the teacher is on the ball which sounds great, hopefully she can reinforce better behaviour with dojo’s etc. In your position I would tell my son to not play with this boy anymore and I would not encourage the friendship further at this point. They are very young and hopefully the other teacher can sort this boy’s behaviour out with an appropriate reward system. Sadly, when this doesn’t happen early enough in primary it can follow them through for years.

You're only getting your DS's side of this and the other mum is getting the same from hers.

It's not unusual for 4/5yr olds to lie their way out of trouble, so you need to speak to the teacher, who is after all the only person witnessing this.

Tell your DS not to play fight with the boy.
Tell the friend's mum and the teacher the same.
Teach your DS to say 'stop' loudly and clearly.

For a start I would talk to my child about what makes a good friend. So fun, kind, you like spending time with them. Reinforce that you can say no to playing with people if it’s just no fun (eg too rough). If your child doesn’t like to say no to people then you could talk through ways of saying no kindly. ‘I’m just playing with this person now but person x might want to play’ etc.

Expressing fucking “dominance”? Well if the poor child’s adult father, with adult strength and weight is expressing his dominance by play fighting and inevitably winning with his son, I’m not surprised the poor sod is seeking to recover some sense of power elsewhere.
She and her husband are twats. You are right to intervene.

I mean a bit of light hearted play fighting over the TV remote or something is fine in families, DD1 found it funny, but it stopped when she said stop and nobody was using it to assert dominance, only a total loser would actually try hard play fighting a child!

Are you happy with your son coming home with marks on him due to fighting? If not then be clear. You are the parent and you decide what behaviour is acceptable for your young child.

This isn't a friendship I'd want either of my boys to have. Your son is coming home with marks on him. You tell the school you want the boys separated at all times.

Photograph the marks and show them to the school. They aren't safeguarding your child (I am a teacher with 2 sons). Neither are they teaching the other child acceptable boundaries for behaviour in school. Tell them (the teacher and Headteacher) that if it occurs again you will be reporting to the police (as an assault) and local authority (for failing to safeguard); make sure you follow through.

!

On a side note I've raised concerns about another child with nursery because of threatening behaviour towards one of my children (boy putting fist in front of nose and pulling it back then forwards repeatedly). Not because my child was hurt but because where does a 4 year old see that behaviour? At home probably - so how safe is he there?

Sometimes information like that is part of a bigger picture that other parents only see a tiny part of; and it's essential for those children that it's reported

Stop engaging with the other mum. It's much much better to go through the school for this kind of thing. Tell the teacher what is happening and make sure they keep an eye open during break.

Marks around the neck are a very serious matter. Don't underplay this.

This isn't playfighting.
I have sons who did play fight but there were never visible injuries - that's just fighting.

The mum doesn't see the problem so you need to go through the school. Your son needs to stop playing with this boy and the school can help by not partnering them in class for activities.

I think I'd rather my boy was not being a boy with that boy, if you see what I mean. It sounds like there's a pattern of toxic masculinity in that particular family that it's not healthy for your son to be exposed to.

So I'd be telling the other mother to tell her son that my son was being encouraged to foster other friendships and if he puts his hands on my son to try to discourage him from doing so, we'd be pursuing bullying allegations at school - and I'd be telling the school what was going on, and requesting that they back us up on this. Which it sounds like they'd be more than happy to do.