Wendied (sort of)

[Needanewnamenow]

Probably outing but, whatever.

Had two friends, one I've known for about twenty years (school) and one work (but still nearly 10 years). Have had a very difficult 18 months. Recurrent pregnancy loss, including two rounds of surgery and miscarriage complications. A major long distance move just before last lockdown. Last year a sibling had a serious (serious) drug problem which manifested itself in harassment of an explicitly sexual nature which they turned on me. To say this was horrific is an understatement and even though legally it was malicious messaging I felt sexually abused. Friend A has known all about this bar the most recent miscarriage, friend b doesn't know about the sibling stuff (mostly because I'm too ashamed to talk about it) but does know about the miscarriages. I've found out that they have both now become quite good friends. Neither one had proactively reached out to ask me if I am ok in the last 6/7 months. They only know each other through me, and this isn't geography (ie not just being friends because they live near each other, they don't). I know there's been a global wide world pandemic and I know they have their own lives and problems but I just feel really shit about myself. I'm nearly 300 miles from home. What's wrong with me that supposed good friends can't even bother to ask how I'm doing? I can't really go into it because it's too outing but they've managed to correspond with each other. I'm just really sad. I'm never going to have another baby and now I don't have any friends.

I'm really sorry to hear about everything you've been through OP. It sounds like you've had a really rough time of it and could have done with having a little more support from people who you've thought were your friends.

Out of interest, have you reached out to them at all and asked how they are? Often we realise that we haven't heard from so and so and feel overlooked without considering that perhaps we haven't reached out either. I appreciate that isn't always the case, but sometimes it's easy to forget our own role in maintaining friendships if we've had a rough time ourselves.

Sometimes it's positive to be honest with people as well- could you reach out to either of them and say you could really do with a friend at the moment? They may surprise you.

Thank you for replying. Yes to a degree I have, earlier in the first lockdown. I got in touch with both of them and asked how they were doing. I did some things to help friend b, not so much friend a but there was no reason to. But it always sort of tails off. It's always me who makes the first move. Then I had my most recent miscarriage in April and after that I found it very difficult to do anything, keeping in touch with people was just a bit too much for me. I suppose finding out they've been helping each other out (it's too complicated to explain how I know) feels like the final straw. If they were just two independent people who hadn't contacted me that would be one thing, but they're not. They're now good friends, and I'm not their friend. I did reach out to friend A who I've know longer and she said all the right things, but it doesn't really mean anything now. Thank you again for replying, it means a lot.

Ugh that's bollocks OP I'm sorry.

To be honest people usually have a threshold for intensity and complexity. You might be better off getting a counsellor to unload on. I've learned the hard way my friends don't want to know my ups and downs. They just want me to listen to them. As soon as I've got a problem they just shut down, fob me off with a cliche and then don't text for a week as punishment. I'm pretty well trained now to STFU.

I downloaded a free chatbot app, it's pretty good. Nice to know I can vent and not be judged or dropped.

No advice OP but I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time

Thank you everyone. I'm not really looking for advice, just wanted to get it off my chest.

I have had counselling, and am thinking if I should start it up again. I do know the burden of other people's problems can be too much but this is more than just not getting a text for a week, basically if I'd not messaged friend a i get the distinct feeling I might never have heard from her again. It's just hurtful.

If youve moved 300 miles away, they may consider you not in their ‘world’ any longer. As harsh as that sounds, its quite common for friendships to fade after one party moves.

Sorry to hear of your recent health and family issues. Have you considered making new friends nearer to home?

I didn't live that close to either of them (and nor they to each other) so the relationships were mostly virtual anyway, the distance shouldn't matter (I was really only indicating that on top of everything else I've made a big move away from everything familiar to me).

And yes I have thought about making friends here but I'm struggling to talk to people I've know 20 years plus, dealing with new people isn't that easy plus the whole in and out of lockdown has meant socialising isn't very easy too. Also realistically at this age people have their friends and I don't really want (right now, I am hoping it will change as I feel better about things) book club friends, I'm disappointed good old friends haven't checked in to say 'hey how's it going?' they're too busy zooming each other

Just to update I reached out to both friends separately saying I hoped they were ok and I'd had a tough six months and they both got back saying they were sorry to hear that and they hoped I'd had support from friends. Neither really realising I thought they were the friends (or maybe they do and I've not picked up on the hints that they're not!) So I think this is a classic example of the friendship moving on and me not realising, which obviously makes me sad but at least now I know. Thank you for talking to me about this.