living with ASD partner - people need to be educated

[NeurotypicalPrivilege]

Makes me sad that many people don't have any insight at all into what it can be like living with someone with ASD. Not in all cases obviously

^ said by someone else, not me.

As an autistic person this makes me really sad. But I’m being told that it’s an OK thing to say so now I’m wondering if I’m just too sensitive?

Could I say “I know it’s not all of them but are so difficult to live with and I wish more people knew”? I think that would be awful.

that there appears to be an accepted view on MN that we - particularly those with Asperger’s- are fair game. There’s a whole support thread for partners married to us because we can be so horrible.

MH not good now, always feel like an outcast, but maybe there is just no hope that I will be tolerated ever.

My child has ASD, which I've known for barely a year and suspected for a couple of years for that.

It shapes who he is as a person, and sometimes those traits are visibly signs of ASD such as being in a stinking mood and snapping at us for having a quiet conversation. Knowing that it's a sensory overwhelm meant that earlier today we split into pairs on our walk to give him a break from DS2 and for DS2 not to be snapped at for normal behaviour, a different approach than if DS1 was NT.
Some of his traits are subtle, no one bats an eyelid when he wears shorts on a mild summers day, but they do in the winter.

All humans are individuals with their own needs. ASD can set behaviours beyond the normal range, and reasonably adjusting to someone with say, very sensitive senses means that you do have to adjust your boundaries beyond the general ettiquette associated with NT behaviour, and depersonalise behaviours that may ordinarily seem rude when they originate in a person exceding their ability to cope with a situation.

If I was living with a person with physical disabilities it would also take adjustment in a different way for their needs to be met, and to be able to function as fully as possible in their home. That would be individual to their needs.

But even as an NT couple, DH and I have different needs. I have a different threshold on social contact to him and we make arrangements around that, for example seeing friends seperately, sitting in different rooms, not so different to when DS1 has a 1:1 quiet day and DS2 goes to sports camp for the extra physical and social stimulus to keep them happy. It's about who we are as individuals rather than specifically being NT/ having ASD, although that's not irrelevant.

It was a well-intentioned comment, I think. Whoever made it was obviously drawing a distinction between ASD that's easy to live with and ASD that isn't. Why have you put yourself in the difficult category?

I know mine makes me very very bad at harmonious cohabiting. But we all present differently; there's no reason to assume that's true of everyone, or of you.

It’s absolutely offensive. We aren’t some alien specifies. We are just people.

It’s like saying that we need to learn about the non-ASD masses who just want to drink beer while watching sports or reality-tv instead of engaging in more intellectual pursuits.

Some days I hate autocorrect
Specifics = species

I agree that its offensive. My adult daughter is autistic and that kind of attitude makes me very sad for her

I don't think the comments are well intentioned, they're perpetuating a negative stereotype that would not be acceptable if attached to any other group.

Those of us on the spectrum are far more likely to be victims of abuse than to be abusers, but if you read some threads on here you'd think it was the other way.

There’s a whole support thread for partners married to us because we can be so horrible.

I've dipped in to that thread. It isn't there because people with ASD 'can be so horrible'. It is there because some of the behaviours / thinking that aren't NT can be hard for NT people to adjust to / accommodate / whatever. The people on that thread are generally trying very hard to make their relationships work from what I have seen.

There’s another thread about a person who failed a job interview because he was rude to the receptionist. The rudeness is described as not making eye contact or small talk. Totally discriminatory. Apparently if you aren’t NT and extroverted you don’t deserve a job.

It is offensive. People have a strange view of those with ASD. My son is autistic (and I'm pretty sure DH is and so was his Dad but neither of those are diagnosed). DS is 13 and is funny, very clever, is very social and has a nice group of friends, loves computing and music - basically not much different from anyone else. He can come across as rude sometimes but the older he gets the more he understands how to talk to other people. He certainly comes across as quirky but that's just part of his charm!

Thank you for those that understand.

@WaterWisp

the amount of posts suggesting that we're all gaslightling abusers who have no empathy and are selfish and go out of their way to emotionally abuse NT people

Yes sadly this is what seems to be the prevailing view of us. I’m so tired trying to say “but we’re not” however as the world, including MN, is NT dominated I just don’t know how it can change. Every bad trait is happily explained by autism. It’s the “get out of jail Free card” for some.

TweetyPeas That's a very good point. It can be very difficult for both people who are in a 'mixed' relationship.
Looking back at my life I just wish I knew about NT/AS. I've been married to an AS person, who says nothing and I do mean nothing that is not in their area of interest. They show no care or interest in my life because it does not matter to them. It is a very lonely life for a NT person. AS people existed in the last century but we NTs knew nothing about it (they were just quiet/shy/clever/deep). Plus I do think differences become more obvious as we age, retire etc. I am just so grateful that our children are aware and have happy relationships.

I think I know the thread you mean. I found it upsetting too. Most people don't think autistic people are abusive, try not to let a few incorrect opinions get to you, but I know it is easier said than done sometimes.

Could I say “I know it’s not all of them but are so difficult to live with and I wish more people knew”? I think that would be awful.

Why would you equate race with neurodiversity? My stbxh and our DD are both autistic, we are also a mixed race family, and racial differences have been nothing compared with the challenges of managing an NT/asd relationship.

The reality is that being neurodiverse by definition comes with significant differences in the way people experience the world and often in the way that people express themselves. Partnerships are already hard to navigate,adding this in can make it so difficult.

Yes, there are a lot of silly threads on here where people diagnose men who are obvious knobs as 'asd' (or narcissists is another popular one). It's hugely unfair.

There are also a lot of threads where people are being torn apart trying to keep a relationship going with someone who, for no fault of their own, has behaviours that could easily be seen as horrible or even abusive but are at least partially due to the autistic partner struggling to cope with family life. It only makes it worse to then have someone coming on to say that they are autistic and are nothing like that, so our partners are just bastards, or presumably we are lying or stupid.

For example, my stbxh struggled with wanting to make a plan for the weekend activities and hating deviation, wanting quiet from young children through most of the weekend, not wanting to socialise with other families, and when worn down by sensory overload and anxiety at the end of it all could have a shouting and awful 'meltdown' after a stressful week. These things are by no means characteristic of all autistic people but for my ex (and similarly for many others) they were part and parcel of his neurodiverse makeup, they come hand in hand with his fierce sense of justice, his disregard for the more pointless social conventions and his amazing expertise and focus at work. However they were ultimately incompatible with an emotionally safe family life for our children or for us, so we are very sadly separating. He still wants to be with me, and loves the kids, but can't manage the disruption.

I did see that all of the people saying 'not all autistic people' defined as women with autism and having an autistic DD, I see how extremely differently she and most other girls that I've met behave Vs the boys, whether due to testosterone or upbringing. She has never been aggressive, but almost all the boys I've met have been.

Maybe before telling us all we're wrong, or implying that we are disablist, or worrying that as an autistic person you will become any kind of monster, it's worth just checking whether it's possible for us to be right and you also. Otherwise there's a certain dark irony in women who are struggling at home with someone with black and white thinking who perceives reality differently and won't bend their perceptions, coming online for support and getting exactly the same message but from other women.

Some people can be difficult to live with. You can be NT, ASD and be a arsehole. It's not mutually exclusive. I dont like people saying my mum cant have ASD and be a abuser. You can be both. You can be a NT abuser. You can have a Personality disorder and be abusive.
Arseholes come in all shapes and forms.

I agree Lego but I also think that whilst people fall over themselves to defend behaviour (quite rightly) when a child has a diagnosis of ASD, people generally don’t see and show no empathy for the many adults in a similar position.