How much do you stand up for yourself?

[Littlemissnutcracker]

Do you feel guilty afterwards. I had a few issues lately where I've finally grown a pair and called people out on things. One was a work issue and another with a family member. I then get so upset as they deny it.

I know I have let people walk over me in the past and need to toughen up. But the guilt of not being the'good' me all the time is eating me up

My workplace is tricky any advice?

Its tough isn't it. I have got a lot better, I find it better not to react straight away and when I'm emotional and to be calm and stick to facts.
I'm co parenting with a narcissistic ex husband who twists everything!! If I need to challenge him on something it is always in writing and I don't get drawn in to a back and forth.
It doesn't come naturally to me.

It's so hard. The work situation I've been told by a friend to let go over my head but I put a lot of work in for this particular thing. My own money and then a job related to it that I was passed on got a bit messed up last minute through no fault of my own.

The job I was meant to do worked perfectly. They were unkind to me afterwards so I didn't say anything for a few days and then told them I was hurt.

My work colleagues are false. There are a few 'mean girls' I ate my lunch in my car yesterday.

That sounds tough. How much do you like the job otherwise? Is it time to move on?
Difficult at the moment I know.
I personally keep feelings out of my responses and focus on how things could have gone better or a specific issue.
If people are being unkind though, it sounds like a horrible place to work.

I am in the job two decades and it fits in with family life. There have been a lot of changes. One of which is a weak management system where lots of problems are ignored and management rely a lot on hearsay and a few people reporting things rather than actually keeping on the ground and seeing the reality.

I can't move yet but really hope to in a few years.

Standing up for ourselves is hard yes, but its harder not to.

I remember a dinner party years ago where someone interrupted me by saying 'well you're unlikely to marry X, so we're not interested in your opinion.' X didn't stand up for me and I didn't stand up for myself. And it was the latter that affected me the most.

In breaking it down, I realized that I must stand up for myself first and foremost.

I then realized that shit people often leave your life anyway. So the two choices are, they're horrible, you take it on the chin and say nothing and off they go and the issue is never set right, or they're horrible, you stick up for yourself and set it right and then they go. I prefer the latter.

Everyone has to guard their boundaries. We don't have to annihilate people, but a well timed 'Excuse me, what did you just say?' goes a long way towards self respect. This time it may be you doing it, tomorrow someone else. It's part of life.

Thank You for listening to me
Yes it's totally about boundaries. I hope next week after stating my case clearly that I might either be left to my own devices a bit more and not shoved more work

The hard thing is saying no and then cracking on after that. The feeling of guilt etc, the feeling of having done the new behaviour.

But the payoff is self respect and then respect from other people.

It's hard isn't it. I'm a natural people pleaser and I struggle with asserting myself and as a result I've been a bit of a doormat on occasions. I now try and at least mark my boundaries and I've found it easier than I thought. As another pp said, a well timed 'sorry what did you say' or an 'excuse me that's quite a rude thing to say' is often all it needs. I find less is more, don't rant or say a lot, one sentence can express your feelings without me then coming across as a screeching banshee

I think this module is really good not just for learning how to communicate assertively, but also for managing the emotions and discomfort it brings up for you as well as the ways people respond (especially when they are used to you being passive).

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

Yes a few well timed phrases stated assertively is what I need. I am afraid yesterday I wobbled a bit and made my feelings known but then ranted on about another issue too. Where one clear point made at the time would be more effective. I need to improve. The family situation is one I have stood my ground on and had to do that by a short period of no contact but I recovered with more respect and less criticism. The pain during no contact was awful and its hard to go no contact with work colleagues

Thanks user. I will take the time to look at that resource

I've been able to stand up for myself more since I did assertiveness training and stopped seeing being 'nice' as a good thing, and saying 'no' as a bad thing. There's an awkward transition phase when you are learning to do it, and it will change the way other people act towards you.

There's one thing about assertiveness, and that is its not a cure all. It only changes you, not the people around you or institutional structures; so it won't be a magic fix for the the problems at your workplace.

Thanks The yes I do think that even moving workplaces won't help as I have worked myself up the ladder where I am. There's crao in every job as I see from dh. Also job insecutity. I am going to Google for some assertive videos etc until I can get on a course. Also think things through a bit more and not carry the blame for others.