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Original poster

Help me be more sympathetic to my friend

21 replies

bigbirdsmate · 20/11/2020 14:02

I'm prepared to be flamed but hopeful that someone can help me explore this rather than tell me I'm an asshole.
My friend has had a couple of months off work, she says she has suffered with anxiety. She had some difficulties in a previous job with her manager who wasn't very nice to her. She talks about her struggles endlessly on social media and how she is doing lots of things to make it better. She is also having therapy and says her parents are to blame for so much stuff. Her parents are lovely people from what I know, they do so much for her and yet she is still unhappy with them. They look after her kids for weekends several times a year so she can go away with her husband, they seem like genuinely lovely people.
I sympathise with her and have had anxiety myself but when she wants to talk I end up feeling annoyed with her about it all. She always wants to talk about how she is having such a difficult time and I've started avoiding her.
I suppose part of this is because I actually have a bad relationship with my parents, from what she says hers were loving and caring, l work with women who are victims of DV, my husband was severely abused by his parents. I was also sexually abused as a child and been through a lot in life. I know it's not a competition and I want to be there for my friend but I'm finding it hard to.
Why am I such a cow and find it so hard to be kinder and more sympathetic?

OP posts:
Original poster
bigbirdsmate · 20/11/2020 14:42

Well just writing that actually made me realise that I should stop being a dick and realise that everyone has different levels of what they can cope with.

OP posts:
ToDoListAddict · 20/11/2020 14:58

@bigbirdsmate

Well just writing that actually made me realise that I should stop being a dick and realise that everyone has different levels of what they can cope with.
That's the truth of it basically. It's not a competition, and some people are better at coping than others.

That being said, you are totally justified in your feelings. It's lovely you're trying to support your friend but you must remember to look after yourself too.
You can't pour from an empty cup.
Take a break from her if necessary. A true friend would understand that you can't be their emotional support person 24/7

HotDiggidy2017 · 20/11/2020 14:58

@bigbirdsmate

Well just writing that actually made me realise that I should stop being a dick and realise that everyone has different levels of what they can cope with.
That was exactly what I was going to say. Some go through abuse and manage to live a ‘normal’ life and then others find it impacts/destroys their whole lives.

I have had to spend many years trying to work on my empathy as I am in the first category and had a tendency to say, if I could hold it together why can’t you? I think it’s human nature but also felt it was a shortcoming I wanted to try to work on.

PaperTowels · 20/11/2020 15:01

Just like marriages, no-one can tell what a family is like from the outside.

It almost seems like you want her to "buck up" a bit Hmm Mental health doesn't depend on external circumstances.

fancytiles · 20/11/2020 15:02

I think you clearly are a lot more resilient than she is, but it doesn't mean that she's not in pain.

Generally though, if someone makes you feel bad/annoyed/negative don't hang out with them.

PaperTowels · 20/11/2020 15:02

Equally, if you find it hard-going seeing her so much then maybe take a step back for your mental health. Some people can be difficult to cope with, even if we want to support them.

combatbarbie · 20/11/2020 15:04

Her family may be nice.... It doesn't mean they always were....

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/11/2020 15:05

I would just add, just because her family appear lovely, it doesn't mean they always were, or they may not be quite as lovely as they seem, behind closed doors. My family managed to be much more polite in public, and to other people who weren't family.

User258544 · 20/11/2020 15:05

There is no rule book that says you can't be the empathetic friend sometimes and the tough love friend at other times. That said it seems like she is helping herself by having time off and therapy and adding covid into the mix lots of people who one the surface would not normally struggle are struggling as we have more time to think.

FredtheFerret · 20/11/2020 15:09

Yep, you know you're wrong.

From the outside my parents and I have a good relationship and they are lovely people. And actually, they are lovely people who do a fair amount for other people - but frankly my childhood was fairly shit and has had an effect on me. Not because they were terrible, but I was utterly miserable as a child. They were brisk and bracing and dragged me along to all kinds of things I hated. My mother dismissed anything I told her I was unhappy about with Nonsense; it's character forming. Stick it out! etc... My father clearly found me irritating and was sharp with me and did a lot of eye rolling.

It was basically clear to me for my whole childhood that I was not the child they would like (unlike my siblings). That I was awkward, difficult, a disappointment. It made me thoroughly unhappy and anxious. I'm not in a position to write a 'Misery Memoir' and certainly both yours and your DH childhood sounds awful - but frankly mine affected me greatly too.

Your friend may well be the same. And it's awful when other people make a judgement without knowing anything about it. Who are you to decide her parents are genuinely lovely and it must be her exaggeration?

HotSince63 · 20/11/2020 15:12

Regardless of whether your ability to "cope" is better than hers, it sounds like you need to take a break from listening to her woes for the sake of your own mental health.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and ask yourself "hang on a minute, does this person ever ask me how I am? Do I ever feel good after talking to them?" and it sounds like the answer to both of these questions at the moment is no.

katy1213 · 20/11/2020 15:17

I'd be avoiding your friend too! At best, she sounds draining and tedious company.
I don't think you're a cow to feel the same way!

FredtheFerret · 20/11/2020 15:23

On the other hand, actually I don't tell people about how miserable my childhood was - and I can certainly see that a relationship where she just phones up and moans and it's all about her is far too draining.

I think you can sympathetically realise she has issues - but also make it clear that friendships are a two way process and that you're not just there to listen to her.

WitchOfTheWest · 20/11/2020 15:24

@combatbarbie

Her family may be nice.... It doesn't mean they always were....
Exactly this!!

Everyone thinks my mother is wonderful. Behind closed doors she's a violent , abusive POS.

LittlePearl · 20/11/2020 15:40

You're not a cow. She sounds like hard work.

Good friendships work two ways, but some can feel like all the give is in one direction.

from what she says hers were loving and caring,
Why is she unhappy with them OP?

Original poster
bigbirdsmate · 20/11/2020 15:43

Okay well I do know all about how 'awful' they were because she tells me everything and they really weren't. She is just much more fragile mentally I guess and that is okay and I should be sympathetic to that. I am more resilient and just get on with life. Just goes to show I suppose.
Part of the reason I don't tell anyone about my past which involves abuse, self harm, rape etc is because I think they will think I'm messed up and they won't see past that.
Thank you for those who made me feel less of a cow. I have distanced myself but then I feel bad for not being there for her. We have been friends a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigbirdsmate · 20/11/2020 15:44

Why is she unhappy with them OP?

It is mostly because they moved house when she was a child and she found it hard to make friends in a new place and also because she thinks her mum had favourites.

OP posts:
PenguindreamsofDraco · 20/11/2020 15:47

She sounds like a whiny pain in the arse tbh

JMG1234 · 20/11/2020 15:56

I think you sound a really nice friend. And yes, we all try to be good friends but sometimes it can be quite draining and you feel like people don't always help themselves at times.

I agree with the other posters; if it's become too much of a negative influence on your life, I'd try to scale it back a bit. Or some tough love delivered in a kind way.

1WildTeaParty · 20/11/2020 16:04

Her feelings about her situation are her own and can be respected as such... but you are not under an obligation to share them with her.

You are kind to want to be gentle and sympathetic.

I suggest that you listen - but try to move the subject on whenever possible. Dwelling on her own misery isn't going to improve things for her and it is certainly going to drain you.

Original poster
bigbirdsmate · 20/11/2020 16:08

I suppose I feel like if I'm distancing myself when I can't handle all of her woes then I'm a fair weather friend. Which isn't very nice

OP posts:
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