Please help a probably pathetic and overreacting mother!! (Me)!!

[Mumof2boyseb]

Warning, this will more than likely be a long post, so apologies!!

Okay, so this may turn into more of me just using this as somewhere to vent my feelings as opposed to actually looking for advice, but it'll still be appreciated nonetheless!

Right, my little boy is currently attending a nursery 5 days a week, 3 hours a day. He loves it. It's so ideal for him. It's a really outdoors based nursery which he just thrives in! He goes there under the 15 hours funding that all 3 year olds get (so we don't pay anything). He has great relationships with all the staff members there, they're all so great with him, almost like they're family!

We're moving in January so this means I'm having to make a decision about his nursery. Currently, his nursery is only 4 miles from us (about a 10 min drive). When we move, his nursery will be 15 miles and about a 25 min-35 min drive (if traffic is good, but I know the route and it's likely there will be delays every now and then). So, naturally I've enquired about a new nursery closer to our new house. But ever since I've done that, I just feel really sad. I just can't kick the feeling of being really sad about it and I mean REALLY SAD. Like I actually haven't stopped crying since yesterday afternoon. I'm fully aware it sounds totally pathetic that I'm crying this much about my little boy potentially moving to a new nursery but I just can't help feeling like this for some reason.

The issue with him staying in his current nursery when we move is the travel time and cost. I mean, he only goes to nursery 3 hours a day. And let's say theoretically it takes me 35 mins to take him there, 35 mins to get home (when we move to our new house) I just feel like by the time I've sat down and had a cup of tea, I'd have to be getting ready to leave again. Not only that, I'd be spending probably about £200 a month on petrol alone taking him to and from nursery. That's just silly amounts really considering we don't even spend close to that at the moment on all of our petrol costs combined.

I spoke to my little boy and asked if he'd like to stay at his current nursery or go to a new nursery and he said "new nursery" but I'm not 100% sure he knows he won't see the people at his current nursery anymore if he goes to a new one.

Anyways, we're going to look at this new nursery tomorrow. Maybe that'll put my mind at ease about him potentially going to a new nursery or maybe it'll make me feel worse, who knows?

I have already tried asking his current nursery if there's anyway we could have him in for less days but more hours in the day. Because I don't mind the traveling if I actually get to spend a bit of time at home before I have to collect him. So like 3 5 hour sessions or their option was 2 8 hour sessions a week. And I was thinking "great, the 2 8 hour sessions would be perfect. Only have to pay for an extra hour a week and meals etc - perfect, problem solved!" Nope. Far from it. If I chose to do it this way, he would still technically get his 15 hours a week free, but the catch is, he'd have to attend all year around (apart from the week around Christmas) so he'd be attending term time and during holidays etc. Unfortunately, this comes with a hefty cost of just shy of £200 a month . That may be pennies to some people, but to us, that's quite a bit. Technically, I think we could afford it, but it'd be really tight. Haven't really worked out money properly yet.

But as you can probably tell, for some bizarre reason I'm desperate to keep him in his current nursery. I think it's just because 1) I feel totally guilty, like I'm just taking people out of his life that are important to him and who he has great relationships with. I mean, at one point he told me I wasn't his "favourite" anymore and that one of the women that work there is his "favourite". And she's BRILLIANT with him. So I'd hate to just suddenly take all these new and important people out of his life. 2) I suffer with quite bad anxiety, so it takes a little while for me to get used to new things. But I instantly took to this nursery and the people that work there. I felt quite comfortable. Still don't really talk to anyone there tbh (parents especially) but I'm finally comfortable with talking to the ladies that work there. So for me to take my son to a new nursery is obviously a big thing for him, but it's a big thing for me too. I know his feelings about the new nursery are more relevant and more important than mine. But I still feel like how I feel about it is important as well. So I just don't know what to do in this situation... Do I....

1. keep him in his current nursery with his current arrangements and just suck it up and deal with the travel costs and time.

2. keep him in his current nursery and pay the £200 a month where he'd attend all year round and only 2 longer sessions a week.

3. just accept the fact that neither of them are particularly affordable options and put him in the new nursery.

I do get particularly depressed and down this time of year (normally from about September to February) so I feel like a lot of this emotion is just coming from my seasonal depression. And that's just what's making it really hard for me to be logical about this situation. I don't know what to do. I just feel so sad and don't want to feel like this.

It's weird cos I'm only getting really upset about the nursery move. Nothing else is triggering my mood. But that's all that's been on my mind for the last 24 hours and I can't kick it. Every time I think about it, I start crying. Maybe I just need actual help instead 🤣.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!!

He's three. He'll take to a new nursery like a duck to water.

I don't know if this makes any difference op but shouldn't he get 30hrs free, rather than 15?! Also yes it's term time only but some places will spread the saving over the year, so you could ask about that.

Is he going to be going to school in September 2021 or 2022?

I would be thinking about minimising changes. If school in 2021 I would leave him where he is. If 2022 I would see if he can start at the preschool associated with whichever school you'll be choosing, if it's got one.

You sound just like me, I get very emotional when making any changes to my children's lives, it feels like a huge responsibility. What I have learnt is that children are resilient and adaptive little things. What feels like a huge change to you is often not a big deal to them and then I feel silly for worrying so much and placing so much importance on this.
Go and look at the nursery. I am sure the transition will be fine for your little one. And don't worry about over reacting, it shows how much you care. At least you are able to acknowledge you are being emotional, and therefore you can try and gain some perspective. Good luck

I really can’t relate to this level of upset. It’s nursery and he’s 3, he’ll be fine! Stop trying to involve him in the choice - he’s too little to understand what you mean. He won’t remember this age in a few years anyway.

You need to move him. It makes no logical sense to keep him there. Even if it is a pre-school feeding into Reception (which it probably isn’t anyway). None of mine went to pre-school of the primary they ended up in.

Try and frame it this way - if you’re getting this upset about this teeny tiny thing, then everything else must be going swimmingly

I know it feels like a big and important decision, but you would be mad to keep him where he is. Look at the new nursery and see what you think.

Presumably he will go to primary school in the new area? So he's more likely to have some nursery friends to go off to school with if you move to the new nursery?

I had almost this exact same dilemma when my DS was 2. We had him in the loveliest private nursery for childcare which he (and we!) adored.

We moved house and did decide to move nurseries but spent a great deal of time choosing one that we were happy with. I was still so sad about it and worried that he would be too.

As it happened though, he lived his new nursery and within 6 months, couldn't actually remember the old one at all.

It saved us a lot of fuss and expense going for the obvious option and actually had no detrimental effect on any of us. In fact, because the new nursery was so close to our new house, it meant I could pick him up and we could go and do woodland walks or other fun stuff together that we'd not have been able to do if I'd had to spend loads of time travelling to drop off and pick up.

Are u talking about 5 months of commuting to old nursery before school starts or 18 months? As poster above that would influence my choice.
We did keep my oldest at her old nursery when we moved (even though she had a full year!) because we loved it and to minimise change, but it wasn’t as long a commute as yours. Was a total pain though I really missed not getting time at home with the baby as it didn’t make sense to go home.
Can your other half do drop off even some days and you collect?

Option 3, for certain sure.

He will thrive and so will you. The travel and costs are prohibitive and what will happen about primary? He stays where he is the. You’ll have the same dilemma as all his nursery friends will be going to a different primary?

Do it now, he will be fine. You need to be strong and manage this transition. Translations can be tricky for little ones and he may take a little while
To settle in his new nursery. This is NORMAL.

Have courage.

You need to take Vitamin D. I was deficient - it made me v anxious and low.
Move him to new nursery. Local friendships for you and him are really important as you plan for his primary.
Big hug, you are not being precious to worry, but please be confident about moving him. Housemove is a big change for you but it will be worth it. And in a few years you will look back and congratulate yourself on making the decision.
Mum to three year old equals an emotional time. It is nature of the investment

I know people that moved heaven and earth to drive their kids long distances to nursery and school and I always felt they were putting energy into wrong part of their lives - the getting to and from school took such a big chunk of emotional energy although they didn't see it that way.
Also, you don't have to send kids to nursery. It isn't compulsory! Reception is in a year's time, plenty of schooling ahead to tie you down..

Indecisivelurcher you only get 30 hours if you are both in work (& neither of you earn more than £100,000).

There is no way I would take on that commute for 3 hours of nursery a day. And don't ask your 3 year old what he wants to do - he doesn't understand & it's not his decision! I really think it makes the most sense to move him, although as others have said, if it's just until he starts school in Sept then I would be more inclined to suck up the commute/costs for that period of time. If it's nearly 2 years till he starts school, then move him.

Option 3.

@Indecisivelurcher not everyone is entitled to 30hrs.

30hrs isn't means tested. So I thought everyone was.

Oh yes I see there are some criteria, eg it's if you're working, which possibly the op isn't. Sorry! Rest of my post still stands, think it makes a difference if you're 6m off school age or 18m.

I'd look at moving to a school nursery linked to the most likely option for primary school. DD thrived at the school nursery and it sets them up for the Reception transistion nicely.

I also think you are thinking deeply about this because your life with your toddler will morph into a life with reception child, so sadness about nursery is sadness about losing that stage in his life in months to come, confidence as parent for new challenges etc etc.
Change is a big part of being a parent, giving your child ability to cope with reasonable rather than frenetic change, please don't feel you are letting him down. You are doing wonderfully, you love and care for him, and with you there he will have what be needs, whatever nursery he attends. You are the one putting the main effort in, raising him.

He will be starting school September 2021 and we're not entitled to the 30 hours of childcare because only my partner works.

Honestly, I'm just an emotional wreck right now and just crying about everything.

I will go and look at the nursery tomorrow and see if that helps swing my decision.

Oh, and ultimately, I wasn't going to let my 3 year old make the decision! I just thought his answer may have helped me make up mind!

Thank you all for your advise and opinions :)

You will soon get bored driving there and back.
However if it’s only until July it’s prob only 5 months you are looking at (taking off Easter , hols etc)
Does your child mind a drive ? Mine hate it but they have all have to be driven to school which can take up to a hr on a bad day.

You can continue with the old nursery. If you love it that much ! However, it will be a slog - what if you forget the welly’s ? Coat ? Hat ? I’m always drop off stuff afterwards haha

I had a lovely outdoor forest school one and had fond memories however I moved the final child to the school nursery and omg I loved the short commute and also no MUD (which I hated)! And easy parking 👍 Go and see it you might not like something and your gut feel will make your mind up ! Good luck !

Also, the new nursery will it be close to your new school ? Some of the buddies @ nursery will all move up together ?!?!? So it’s nice they know people already from nursery

I would do whatever will set you up best for school.

Vit.D for seasonal.affective disorder, and outside.walks for YOU to destress.

Also it would be a nice way for you to meet mums in your new area.

And your son will make local friends, which is also very important.

Listen, whatever you decide it will be FINE.

Either your son will settle in the new nursery and forget all about the old one (my 4yo has mostly forgotten about the lovely nursery he attended for two years pre-lockdown).

Or you will tolerate the commute for the short time before he goes to school. I do an hour’s round trip for school and nursery drop offs and it has been a right pain at times but I remember I’m grateful for the schools and nurseries they go to and it’s not the worst thing in the world.

I get it - I’ve had to move one child through five different nurseries and two children through a huge house move and one child from one school to another mid-year and the decisions can really grow legs and consume you.

But it will be FINE.

(FWIW, I’d move to the new nursery and scrap the commute personally)

I hope you do something for yourself whilst he’s in nursery - it sounds possible that either your anxiety really needs some attention right now and/or you’ve let yourself become so subsumed by caring for your children that you don’t think much about your wants and needs in life???

Is there a natural point to move him, for example when moving between rooms at his current nursery? If there were a natural break, he would have tonadjust to different staff/kids/room anyway, so a move to a completely new nursery wouldn't be quite as much change as you think.