Nightmare teens - positive outcomes pls.

[Devonchills]

Basically, I really dislike my 16 year old son at the moment. And I feel so guilty for saying that.

He's had a very normal and loving upbringing, 1 younger sibling, me and his dad have a very happy marriage etc.

But for the past 2 or 3 years he has become unbareable. He is rude, disrespectful, makes no effort with any of us.

He just will not talk to me or my husband at all. About anything. He grunts one word answers and that's about it. He has always had consequences for his behaviour, but it never seemed to make any difference.
He says he hates us, can't wait till he leaves home etc. Its killing me, he used to be so kind and loving.
I keep thinking I must have gone wrong somewhere, but I know I've given him all the live in the world.
Anyone had a nightmare teen that's nice now? How long did it take?

What kind of behaviour and what kind of consequences?

He’s 16 so quite grown up. Are the consequences too controlling?

Well when he was about we 14 basically had a lot of bad attitude, very rude, disrespectful normal teen stuff I guess. We always would take his phone for a day, or xbox something like that.
Obviously now he 16 (and huge) we don't do that anymore. If he bahaves badly now it's usually something like swearing really loudly when on his game, I'll shout up to him to keep the noise down, then he absolutely kicks off because I've told him off. Anything I do from then on just escalates, once resulting in him punching a hole in his wall.
I guess I've kind of given up, as I hate the escalation. I tend to walk away now.
Tried sitting and talking to him when hes calm. He just won't engage at all. Just says he hates us, and for us to leave him alone (we do most of the time)
I'm just fed up of it all, I spend most days crying over the different person he is.

By the way, I've read all the teen parenting books, scoured the Internet for tips. I'm doing my best.
I'm just looking for people who've already been through it and come out the other side.

I've talked to friends who've not really been helpful as they just say 'well I wouldn't have put up with that'..
Yeah thanks for that.

It's normal my love, don't beat yourself up.
I've been through it with two ds and they're grown up now and very close to family members.
They sorted themselves out around 18/19.
I now have even worse with dd behaviour, at 16, and we are worried she could have been groomed. We have a Police and SS case ongoing.
If this is all you have to worry about honestly, he'll be fine and sounds like a good lad.
Perhaps put some boundaries in place concerning his violent behaviour, maybe turn wifi off and of course he mends the wall.
Restricting money and lifts seem to work with those who have active social lives or spending their money.
Good luck OP, but honestly it's nothing you have or haven't done.

OP, my ds was very similar around the ages if 15/16. It's heartbreaking and exhausting. We had some very dark times that I've mostly blocked out. We were the same as you, decent parents, always had a good relationship, lots of communication. It was such a shock. At one point we told him if he didn't sort himself out he would have to leave. I was terrified he actually would, but he did slowly improve. He got a part time job at 18 and very soon after was back to be our lovely respectful son. I'm sure that working gave him the outlook on life he needed. A few years later and he's a lovely adult with his own home and girlfriend.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest not complaining about everything to him as the escalating can be horrific, but choosing a time when he's calm to talk to him. Or even compose a text message and send it when he's in a nice mood.

We have DD's BF living with us and he has for several years now, the swearing on the game thing is very irritating.

I tend to FB message rather than shout up, he's obviously not my DS so is more respectful and grateful for what we've done so whilst probably would have had the same reaction to his parents he doesn't to me, there is a massive backstory as to why he's here and he is NC with his DPs for very good reason. but you can still see the direct confrontation thing causes him to be upset. FB messaging, he sees it, neither of us mention it, and it he does make an effort to keep it down. He also stops at our bedtime which is much earlier than theirs.

When you get a calm moment, maybe say that you find it very off-putting and stops you from enjoying your evenings watching TV etc. That you won't tell him off anymore but understand that he gets very involved and will message to let him know when its impacting on the rest of the family. I also try and make the messages light like 'fewer fucks please I have students in the house'

Walking away is very often the best thing, its a tough time. You haven't gone wrong, it will improve.

Thank you for you replies, sorry your going through that TragedyHands
Must be extremely difficult situation for you.

It's nice to hear that they do come through it. I just can't imagine him being nice. I felt so jealous the other day as my sisters son hugs her and brings her gifts, what I would do to be hugged by my son!

It's awful when you love them but don't like them isn't it.
Restricting lifts or money doesn't work unfortunately, he has a well paid part time job that he can walk to!