I really dont know where to start with this (content warning: concerns rape and abuse)

[lolaflores]

I resigned from my job 4 weeks ago due to health problems. I took the job a year ago when I thought my condition was manageable but it became a problem but it is not connected to the situation that has arisen since then.
One of my managers touched me in a way that I wasnt comfortable with. On 3 occasions, he reached out and touched my arm (My arms were crossed). Each time he reached out, as though he were aiming for my breast and his fingertips brushed my shirt. I experienced a shock and recoiled several steps and he appeared unaware of this. On each occasion there were no other staff around.
On another occasion he made a comment to me about Madonna's book Sex and an old Spitting Image sketch about her and her having her clothes on. He did this across the office in front of my other manager. I did not respond. I was feeling more and more uncomfortable around him but just made sure I wasnt left alone with im
The work place was most certainly not the kind of place for this sort of banter. He is also a very Religious person (Born Again charismatic Christian. His description).

I resigned and I thought that was that. A few days ago he emailed me regarding a personal project hed mentioned to me but to which I'd made polite noises and certainly never expressed any interest in. I never encouraged him to let me know how it was going etc. I didnt reply and have blocked his address. As soon as I resigned I removed myself from all communications. WhatsApp. Etc. I had used my personal email during lockdown as work email locked me out for some reason. Generally we used WhatsApp.
Since then I've had nightmares that he is ringing me up, whispering and I've woken up very frightened and left with an unease that stayed with me all day.

I have been raped in the past by someone i knew. A previous partner was physically abusive (strangled me). Overall, I dont feel especially comfortable around men. Not always trusting around men and when I I thos guy, I felt wary of him quite quickly.

I have had a lot of therapy for past events and I was confident I'd addressed it but this seems to have kicked it all off again. The dream is not new but previously it was the man who raped me, this time it's the ex manager in the phone

I dont have anyone to talk to as I've never told anyone about it. Not friends or family
least of all my husband though I have told him about my manager as and when the incidents occured.
I don't t want this set back. This feels like it's the start of a new cycle of anxiety and fear. I dont have any confidence that my employers would even entertain a complaint. The evidence is thin. His word against mine and I have disclosed mental health history when I started my post. I wasnt there very long. Hes adored by all. I dont have much faith in them.
At the moment getting seen by my mental health team is not happening ing. I've tried and its ot a crisis so I am not a priority. Anyone got any suggestions?
Even writing this down has helped but I am out of ideas and the nightmares are making me think I've internalised this more than i gave it credit

I don't know what advice to give you but didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Hopefully someone will come along with more experience than me who'll be able to advise you.

I talked to my DH last night as it happens and I described exactly what the touch had been as I'd been less graphic about the incident before. I'd felt embarrassed to clearly outline the fact his fingertips came so close to my breast. I'm even embarrassed writing it.

It was the 1st time I told him about the sort of nightmares I had though not previous rape and assault. To me, the nightmare is a symptom that this has got to me more than I thought it had.

His face went very still and I know he was deeply angry but he isnt going to raise a posse. . As he is a very practical person, he pointed out that this was possibly a data protection breach. This man had misused my email for a personal message after I had stopped being an employee.

This morning I am contact HR and complaining. I dint think I would have told my DH if I hadn't written it all down here. Thank you

Hi OP, I'm really sorry to hear about everything that has happened. I see your update but was going to suggest just that- contacting HR and flagging both the use of your personal email without your permission and his inappropriate touching and comments about sex.

Maybe Rape Crisis could advise on further support?

I am about to write to HR about the email though I must admit I am struggling with how to address the incidents with touching. I dont need to prove it as I dint expect any action but I want to be heard

If you tell HR about the touching they will want to know all the details. They will have to investigate as per company policy.

They can’t receive an email from a former employee making serious allegations about a current employee, and not do a full investigation.
Are you prepared for that?

Runnngfrominsanity...that's the bit I'm struggling with. He will deny it.
It will be up to me to prove. Its unprovable in as much as no one else witnessed it.

So. I've got not much to go on have I?
It will be pointless.

I know he is innocent till proven otherwise unless other allegations have been made but I'm not going to be made aware of that.

It would be leaving myself out to dry.

But, the odd behaviour of emailing me for no good reason ought to be enough to get him spoken to at least.

I would email and say that you aren’t making an official complaint at this time but you left because of inappropriate workplace action by XX and he is now contacting you on your personal email which you would like him to stop.

That way the insinuation and doubt is always going to be there. People talk. They may not be able to say they believe you but there will always be that doubt into their mind about him.
And you never know, they may have past or future complaints against him, and your email will stay on record and could help.

I’d suggest you may have PTSD to be so triggered, I’m sorry as no matter what it sounds like you’re going through a tough time

A previous psychiatrist said I had PTSD given symptoms and behaviours and I've had CBT, I have medication but I dont know what more treatment as such I can do.
I've contacted rape crisis before but I think the only thing on offer was group therapy/ support groups but nothing local to me and a waiting list.

I didnt discuss it when filling in my application but covered it all with bipolar mood disorder etc umbrella. I havent worked dor 14 years because of mental health and this job was perfect as a stepping stone back to independence etc. Though I didnt say he was specifically the reason, he contributed but I cant be explicit about it. So, if I say it sideways it may raise a question mark about him? If that will work then I'll be satisfied.

Hi Lola. I just wanted to pipe up and say I've had EMDR for PTSD which was very helpful. When you have some headspace it might be worth looking into it and why it's thought to work - CBT might not have solved the problem. It does sound like you have been re-triggered by these incidents and now you're in a heightened state of awareness and anxiety. I agree with speaking to rape crisis, and if you think EMDR might help, mentioning to your GP perhaps that you need to try something different as you're struggling. This may be a new face but it's definitely linked to the previous experiences. I wish you all the best.

Do you think that the touching of your arm was sexually motivated? Or could it have been a misjudged friendly touch that was triggering for you?
I don't say this to question your experience but in case it can make him seem less threatening to you and address the nightmares x

Wanderer1 if it had been once I think I would not have felt the intent was sexual but added to the comment and that it occured 3 times, essentially the same way. It felt sexual. The area he brushed near and then an unwanted email. Just all adds up to something else to me

I'm willing to try anything because mental health team only want to increase meds and its not really a solution more an interim management. And this will always be tripping me up. I want to get my feet back under me long enough to get my life back. I pay the price all the time and no one has had any consequences

Right.
I complained to HR about t
My ex manager contacting me.
They were quite prompt once the email was acknowledged.
And his manager interviewed him and his response was
"I'm sorry. It wont happen again"

I feel a bit meh.
T
Should I insist that the employers need to ensure it doesn't happen again?
They didnt address his misuse of my personal information.
Also, it struck me as interesting that no woman was involved in any stage of the complaint. I dont think they have understood why I felt unsafe.
I also wonder if he has done something similar before.

I dont want him fired but I want to know how they will make certain he doesn't do this again. Isnt that their responsibility?
Should they assure me he is being retrained?
They seemed happy that I'm sorry it wont happen again covers it all.