Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

MIL died this morning - how do I tell my DC?

20 replies

Cupidity · 16/11/2020 12:03

My DC are 10 and 7.

DH has gone up to be with his family but asked me if I could break the news to the DC for him. And I don't know how to. They've never experienced death of a loved one or a pet or anything and so I'm looking for words of wisdom. Please.

OP posts:

sleepyhead · 16/11/2020 12:09

Sorry for your loss.

Just sit them down and tell them straight.

"I've got some sad news, Granny has died."

Tell them what happened even if it's upsetting (because otherwise they'll come up with something worse by themselves) and what will happen next - "Daddy has gone up to be with grandad and help him but he'll be back on Friday".

If they cry then comfort them and reassure them that it's ok to be sad, but if they don't then that's ok too - sometimes it takes a while to sink in, or it can feel a bit remote at that moment.

Mrsjayy · 16/11/2020 12:09

I'm sorry about your families loss. I think you need to be direct with them so if she was I'll say granny didn't get better from her illness and has died, or if it was sudden say DC I have some terrible news I'm afraid granny has died. I honestly think just coming out with it is best,

oldfarmgirl · 16/11/2020 12:12

I'm so sorry for your loss

Child bereavement UK have great resources that I have used in the past to talk to children who have lost someone (teacher) and they are really helpful.
@https://www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died

All I would say, is be honest, keep it simple, don't be afraid to show them you're sad.

Also, be aware that children process loss and grief differently, they might not appear to be sad about the news, or be sad then want to go off and play - that's normal...often it's a bedtime, or a quiet time that they then want to talk.

Hope it goes well x

FirstPost99 · 16/11/2020 12:12

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. This is such a hard thing to do. I have had to tell my DC about a couple of relatives, but they were 4 & 7. There's nothing that makes it easier and obviously I don't know the circumstances of your MIL death, but I told my DC that Nanny was very sick, and her body was very old and tired and sadly the doctors at the hospital couldn't make her better. And that it's ok to be sad, and ok to cry but she knew how much we loved her and we know how much she loved us. Then I just tried to answer any questions they had, then or days later.

I don't think it's a good idea to mention sleeping etc as you don't want them to be scared of them/you sleeping and obviously you can add in heaven etc if that suits your family..

Sorry if this doesn't help, everyone will have different ideas of course, but I hope it goes as ok as it possibly can. Thinking of you all

glitterelf · 16/11/2020 12:17

Sorry for your loss
I would echo the above advice and be direct and factual. Was she suffering an illness ? If so explain that granny was too ill to get better. If sudden again just be honest and say it as it is. Offer lots of support and make sure they know they can talk to you / ask you questions.
We lost Mil in August she had been very unwell for quite sometime and cared for by us so our children knew the direction we were headed, even now my 6yr old questions why her granny died even though she knows the reasons and saw her in her last days. We often look at pictures and talk about our happy memories too.
You will probably find they adapt quite well and it will be your husband that struggles but please don't forget about yourself whilst trying to be strong for everyone else you are grieving too

LabradorGalore · 16/11/2020 12:21

So sorry for your loss

Kids are quite resilient about these things. Being factual is often best but we found it threw up a few questions.

I think its useful to show children we have emotions, so be as open and honest with your emotions as much as you feel comfortable with.

Thinking of you all.

Otamot · 16/11/2020 12:26

Sorry for your loss. Sit them down and tell them straight. It's ok if they see you upset. I'd let them off school tomorrow and maybe get a pizza or something easy in for dinner.

If your DH is able to bring them back a memento of nana, that may help. I was given a little plastic religious picture from my beloved gran's dressing table as a keepsake, and I found comfort in it as child and even now.

MollysMummy2010 · 16/11/2020 12:28

I had to tell my daughter when my FiL died. She was 7. I was factual and told her that daddy and I were sad. I told the school just in case but she took it better than I had hoped. Was not totally unexpected though so had been gently preparing her so a bit different if your mil was sudden. Sorry for your loss and hope your kids are ok.

Venicelover · 16/11/2020 12:30

Sorry for your loss OP.

Although kids are resilient don't underestimate the impact on them especially if they had a close relationship with her. Mine were devastated when my mum died, and in the midst of our own grief, I don't think we realised that until much later. It was the teenagers who took it worst, the younger ones were more accepting of it.

Original poster

Cupidity · 16/11/2020 12:31

Thank you all. @oldfarmgirl that child bereavement website is amazing. I will follow their advice.

They knew that Nanna was very ill and in hospital, so it's not come as a complete shock.

DH drove up there at the weekend and spent his time saying goodbye and being with his family.

DC haven't seen her since last Christmas - we live quite far away and couldn't do our usual trips at Easter, etc because of covid.

It's just all so sad.

OP posts:

Fatted · 16/11/2020 12:32

Sorry for your loss.

Just be honest and factual with them. Answer any questions that they have. Be prepared for some very random questions they may have.

I had to tell my 5YO and 7YO my DSIS passed away this summer. I think I was more worried about it, but they seemed to cope better than I anticipated.

EmeraldShamrock · 16/11/2020 12:37

It's really sad restrictions stopped the usual visit. I'm very sorry for you all.
We're Catholic I said "Nanny is gone to heaven" they were fine initially but it did hit them afterwards over the circumstances too DS is terrified of coronavirus now he is 6 and scrubs his hands, has a fit if anyone coughs or stands close to him in school.
They question your morality too.
Lots of hugs and reassurance you'll live till 100.

FatGirlShrinking · 16/11/2020 12:41

My brother was 5 when mum died and 12 when dad died. Honesty and simple truth are the best approach.

'Something very sad has happened, you know that nana has been poorly, today she got so poorly the doctors couldn't fix her and she died.'

They may not react in the way you would expect an adult to, they may seem ok with the news, or they may get very upset. What's important is to let them know that whatever they are feeling is ok and that they do not need to be strong for you or DH or anyone else. Often children can feel they have to make things better for other people.

Winstons wishes is fantastic, lots of really good resources.

Sorry for your loss, make sure to take time to feel your feelings too don't feel that you have to be strong for everyone else

bathorshower · 16/11/2020 12:48

I've had to do this with a younger child, and the advice I was given was not to use euphemisms (e.g. Granny's sleeping or passed) as they can be confusing - others had some suitable ideas with 'I'm sorry, I've got some sad news for you, Granny died last night' so they definitely understand what's happened.

Sorry for your loss

timtam23 · 16/11/2020 13:46

Very sorry for your loss.
My father in law died suddenly 6 weeks ago, he was in his 90s so I suppose we were sort of expecting that it could happen at any time but it was a shock when it did come. The DCs are 12 and 10 and we had not seen the grandparents at all this year due to Covid restrictions. DH travelled to be with his mum and I told the DCs in the morning, before school. I led into it a bit by saying we had had some sad news. As soon as I then mentioned grandad I think they knew what I was going to say. We aren't a religious family so I didn't mention heaven or anything like that. And I said that he had died, rather than that he was sleeping, or passed away, etc. One took it very pragmatically and the other one was in floods of tears (which were the reactions I had expected) I emailed both of their schools to let their form teachers know and I got immediate replies from both teachers saying how sorry they were and they would keep an eye on the DCs in case of any upset. In fact they were both fine and I think it helped them to have the routine of school. What they did struggle with a bit was DH being away.

TableDesk · 16/11/2020 15:17

So sorry for your loss

do not say granny went to sleep

ilovebagpuss · 16/11/2020 15:35

I had to tell my DD’s about their beloved grandma and it was a short illness so a huge shock. They knew she was very poorly so I just came back from hospital and said “it’s very sad news grandma has died this morning but we were with her and held her hand” once you have said the key line it’s easier to cry and talk about it if they ask any details. It’s such a hard thing as they had never had bad news either and she was in such good health prior.
Sorry for your families loss

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/11/2020 15:39

When our dc's aunt died we were quite factual about it. "Aunty Anne has been very poorly for a long time, and her body got so poorly that she couldn't be made better. She has died, and while that means She is gone, it doesn't mean that we can't talk about her and look and photos and remember how lovely she was"

Waitingfirgodot · 17/11/2020 07:59

Tell them in simple, straightforward terms. Let them know that's it's fine to be sad and that these feelings will come and go. Remind them that they don't need to be sad for Granny or whatever they call her, she's out of pain (I'm hoping elderly and not an unexpected death) and that our sadness is for those left behind who will miss her. And remind them that it's a necessary part of life.

MrsDThomas · 17/11/2020 08:38

My girls were 6 and 4 when my mum died. I told them straight that she had died. There were a few tears and just that.

And their next question? “Can we go to the shop to get jelly tots?”
And I thought, yes why not. Thats what to love about kids, they play and eat sweets and that was their priority that day.

Flip