24 year old seeing motherly advice

[papauniformnovember]

Please be kind

Found a guy a really like and we have been dating for 3 years. I don't find him attractive anymore (he has gained a lot of weight) but it also doesn't really both me as I am asexual and I find his smile is really cute.

We live together and run a business together and he really understands my goofiness. We have a lot of fun, he is very kind and caring. He empowers me and we so much in common and want very similar things long term

But there are also down sides. He's addicted to technology and is a workaholic and I always imagined my dream guy would be more present in moments and there would be more lighthearted conversation.

I go through phases of wanting to marry him and then fantasizing about being with other hot fictional characters from movies. When I am in a latter stage I feel I am gravitating towards the inevitability, that when the time is right, we will break up. Then I change my mind again. I just wonder if I let something go I could let something great go and I would want it back but it may be too late.

There is also an enormous factor which is our business. This is my dream and after 2 years it is starting to take off. We run it together and I couldn't imagine he would want to run it without me. I really don't want to destroy a great think we have spent a very long time creating.

My mum doesn't like to give any relationship advice so I am hoping someone elses mum can help me.

I know I am not ready to make this decision yet but I am hoping someone can let me know what I should look out for, what questions I should be asking myself etc. How did you make similar decisions?

My advice would be that you keep this nice man as a friend, and this is not possible then you’ll have to just have an arrangement regarding how to run your business. You are so young, and shouldn’t tie yourself to someone if the relationship isn’t what you want it to be.

Are you really asexual if you are attracted to characters in films? I would also feel asexual if I was in a relationship with a man who I had no sexual attraction to.

I go through phases of wanting to marry him and then fantasizing about being with other hot fictional characters from movies.

Are you sure about being asexual?

You say that you don't find him attractive anymore, so did you find him attractive at one time? You talk about other hot men, so what makes you think that you are asexual?
In what ways does he empower you?

The asexual thing is really on a scale for me. I am really attracted to men and lust after them but have no interest in anything to do with genitals just passionate kissing. I don't want to see a penis or have it inside me and feel nothing when I do.

@AdaColeman yes I did, when he used to work out. Now I look at him and I see a friendly guy. He empowers me as he helps me remind what my goals are if I stray from them, he is supportive of my decisions even if they inconvenience him, he always contributes his share of chores and will take care of mine too if im having a bad day. When I am down he will make me feel amazing again.

What about him, does he want an asexual relationship?

Could you ask him how he sees the long term future for himself and the business?

Tell him you want to plan, to make sure that the business will work, whatever happens. That you both went into it very young and it might be helpful to check out that you want the same things.
Ask if he'd want to continue working together as friends.

You could have a set of questions that you each answer separately about your values and long term goals, then swap answers and see how it matches.

If he wants children and a steady job with spare money spent on computer games, and you want to work all hours and travel the world then it doesn't have a long term future.

As for whether you are asexual- maybe, or maybe you haven't met a guy that turns you on and takes an interest in your pleasure. If you enjoy passion, you may well enjoy more passion if you can find someone that makes the effort to make it happen!

As an older woman who's been around the block, passion during kissing can be kept simmering all the way through if you both pay attention! Or it can switch off if you don't.

My motherly advice is... move on. Buy him out of the business. Live your own life - you aren't responsible for his.

@picklemewalnuts he has a low sex drive. He would prefer I wasn't asexual but it is not a deal breaker for him.

Thank you for your suggestion I will do this for fun. We do discuss the future all the time and we both want to travel the world, have 2 kids, we have similar values and long term goals. For me the bit that is slightly off is the technology addiction and the fact he works all the time. But I don't know if there is always something in a relationship which isn't perfect. He is very good at working on himself when I am not happy with something such as he does the dishes more frequently, and we go out for dinner more.

I have had sex with numerous men, but it has always felt so unnatural. The lust and sexual attraction stops as soon as I see the penis. I find them a little gross. I don't like the feeling of it inside me, anything else inside of me or of someone going down on me. I find sex painful, intense, but never pleasurable.

I just worry that I am always so quick to think the grass is greener

When you imagine marrying him, do you imagine a big white princess wedding day, or being married to him one way or another and spending the rest of your life with him?

For me, the first time I married I was younger than you and only thought about the princess day. Whilst I’m loathe to say it was a big mistake (mainly because without this path I wouldn’t have the life I have now) I shouldn’t have married him and I caused an awful lot of upset. My second marriage, I didn’t care about the day, the most important thing was being married and being together for the rest of our lives.

I mean zero offence or to patronise you, but I think that you are still quite young and life is too short to be in a relationship you’re not 100% sure about. I think if you were my DD I’d advise her to leave on as good of terms as she could do, and enjoy life and find a relationship that works better for her if that’s what she wanted. I wouldn’t want her to settle for nice, I’d want her to find her version of amazing.

I’m not old enough to be your mum, mine are toddlers but when they are older, if they came to me with what you’ve said I’d gently advise them to move on.

You are 24, you are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t settle for someone you know deep down isn’t right for you. You sound like an intelligent, interesting person and I think you deserve better than someone who is addicted to technology and a workaholic.

This stage of your life is one where you can have fun and be carefree. I wouldn’t commit yourself to someone you’re not that attracted to and don’t have lighthearted conversation as much as you’d like.

Are you sure you're not gay?

@user1843685313563 yes very sure. I wouldn't be surprised if I came straight eventually but I am not into women.

@MuchTooTired thank you for your honesty, not patronizing at all. And it's both really. It's more imagining my future with Children. I wouldn't regret not having a wedding, it is not that important, but I would like one and enjoy fantasizing about something small and intimate. I do struggle to imagine him in the future with kids in a way that fits into my dream.

I am not leaning towards breaking this off, but I know tomorrow I will be back to being 100% committed again.

The problem is that not only can I not afford to live alone, I lost my part time job and couldn't afford a flat of my own, but also I couldn't run the business without him and wouldn't want to. It is my dream. If I made this decision I lose everything and I wouldn't even be sure it is the right decision.

I think you should go to therapy. Your thoughts about what you want/think you want are just all over the place. My children are 21 and 23, and if they were in your position, I would definitely recommend therapy to them.

You mention that you find sex painful. Have you heard of vaginismus?

I wonder if you would have a different view of sex if you experienced it without it hurting.

I totally get what you’re saying, and the difficulty in making the decision. It’s not an easy one to be made lightly uprooting your whole life!

I’m sorry to hear you lost your part time job, that really sucks. Have you looked at benefit calculators and your finances to crunch the numbers? Have you been feeling this way about him since you lost the part time job or has this been going on for longer? How does he feel about you? If you’re both feeling similarly it’s possible that you could split and still maintain a great working friendship whilst allowing you both to find new relationships when you’re ready.

With the kids thing, before I had my DTs I’d have said that we had a rock solid marriage and kids would’ve been a breeze. After having them, we’ve been pushed to the brink of separating at times and sometimes it’s just been the glue of ‘us’ that’s brought us back from the brink. I know you’ve got time well on your side, but if you’d ultimately like children it’s something to consider - do you have the love for him to hang on in there for this particular phase to pass? It’s a hell of a lot easier to get out and walk away before having kids than after.

@AbsentmindedWoman I have and I think I have it, but I don't at this point in time see the point in getting it checked because I dont have the urge to have sex so even if I didnt have it I wouldn't put anything up there.

@MuchTooTired I have been feeling this way for the duration but I have with every partner I have ever been with. I massively over think and over analyse and worry. He is totally smitten by me and has no idea I feel this way. A split would not be neutral. It would come as a massive shock to him and he would stop speaking to me. thank you for your advice. I am no where near having kids so I don't feel this pressure yet.

At the moment it feels like I risk losing everything: a lovely guy who is also a great friend, my business, which is a dream and income.

It sounds like you want to love him. It sounds less like you do love him. On paper he sounds good for you, but paper isn’t what matters. How do you really feel about him?

He feels like a safe choice