Expectations after major surgery

[NumbsMet]

In a circumstance where your significant other is recovering from major surgery, and has been home for over a fortnight, stitches healed, pain continuing but bearable, and in this scenario you have two small children, although I'm not sure that's relevant.

Would the expectation be either;

A: DP stays in bed all day every day, getting up only when he feels like seeing his family but otherwise watching shows and films in bed and asking for refreshments. Taking painkillers when in pain and sleeping when he feels he needs to.

Or;

B: DP is encouraged (and expected) to spend more time downstairs with the family, where he may not be as comfortable but he will be likely to have to stand up more often, being social and only retreating to bed if in significant pain.

What would you expect from your partner, and what would you prefer from the above if it were you recovering? Also, I'm asking generally. Of course recovery means some bad days and some much better days so I would expect that plans would change on a daily basis depending on pain levels etc.

Post surgery you need to start to mobilise,walk about house, being in bed++ is not great
Good nutrition,no massive exertion, shower, adequate nutrition, sleep when reqd

My partner would never in a million years lie in bed for 2 weeks and leave me with the children. He would want to hang out with us even if less comfortable.

DH had major surgery 10 weeks ago. For the first 2 weeks he was in a lot of pain, next 6 weeks he mostly slept and still quite sore. He's only now starting to feel himself and back to a normal sleeping pattern.

I genuinely don't think it was possible for him to participate more than very briefly in family life until 4 weeks in. He would join us for dinner or maybe to watch TV but he rarely stayed awake for a whole show.

He did go for a short walk daily from about 3 weeks and welcomed company but again needed to sleep when he got back.

I feel like there should be an option between A and B in which he does pretty much all of B, but at his own pace.

What do his surgical team recommend?

Having had major surgery a couple of times and my DH having had major surgery last year, I would say A.
It can take longer than you think to recover.

What was the discharge advice?does he need sound care, does the DN visit?

Depends if small children might inadvertently hinder recovery ie if lifting or mobility is an issue. Agree being up, moving and daily routine is usually beneficial, so some time spent within household is usually positive and can be expected.

does he need wound care, does the DN visit?

I have to say if a man posted his wife should do more post surgery he’d be pasted

Home for two weeks!! No way, I work in a hospital where we use an enhanced surgical recovery pathway and every patient is out of bed on day one if possible. That’s in hospital, let alone 14 day’s after getting home. Of course he may still be struggling but you say he stays ‘in bed all day everyday.’ I would expect him to be up in the morning, he may need a couple of naps or a lie downs but certainly involved in family life. How long have they told him to be off work or not drive for? That will give an indicator of how long his surgeon would expect him to struggle.

Is he enjoying being waited on hand and foot? Is he in the dressing gown of doom? 😂

Option a for ~3 weeks followed by option 2. If you rush it, you’ll end up back at option a.

Funnily enough I think the expectations differ wildly for men and women.

After major surgery I was up and about pretty much immediately, and required to do as much as possible around the house. I was in constant pain, and couldn't stand up right for the first 2 weeks, but I could hobble, tidy, watch the dcs (but not lift them), and cook basic meals. After 2 weeks I did pretty much everything except heavy lifting, and after 6 weeks I was on my own again full time with the dcs.

I'd have loved to have been able lie about all day getting up only for meals and short walks!

For context I was in the operating theatre for several hours, and have a 10 inch scar across my stomach. It took me 3 months to start to feel ok, and probably 2 years before I was back to myself.

He needs to mobilise, get up,move about,attend to self care.no prolonged bed rest (it’s counter productive and doesn’t promote recovery)

It entirely depends on what the "major surgery" consists of. There is no simple answer. Hip replacement - usually up and walking within the day. Reconstructive surgery on an ankle - no walking around for at least 8 weeks. That's just two examples. That is why you get advice from the surgeon/ consultant / hospital on discharge. Oddly enough, nowhere on discharge papers does it suggest running a blind survey on Mumsnet to decide the best recovery programme.

I work in a hospital
Shocking then, that you provide advice that suggests he should be up and about as normal without knowing anything at all about the surgery or circumstances. Are you admin?

DP had a Whipple's procedure (which is just about one of the biggest surgeries you can have) three weeks ago, he has been home for a week and has spent time resting on the sofa when he needs to but otherwise has been up and helping out where he can since he came home. His surgeon put no restrictions on what he could or couldn't do (expect no heavy lifting) we have two small babies living with us (6 months and 12 months) and he is doing as much as he can without lifting the babies.

Gosh I wasn't expecting many replies!

@SentientAndCognisant I'm sure a woman would be too. I didn't say he should do more, so I don't really understand your comment but thank you all the same.

Discharge advice was lots of rest. He was on very strong painkillers also, so he needed lots of sleep. As he gets physically better though, he seems to expect more bed rest than I think is healthy. The nature of the surgery means he can't lift heavy things. We have twin toddlers and they will kick him if he held them out of excitement, so there are no expectations on what he should be doing, I'm just worried about his mental health as he shuts himself off and gets snappy with me for asking him to sit on the sofa with us downstairs. @AluckyEllie dressing gown of doom!! Yes, that's very accurate

I think it depends on what the surgery is but even then, we all recover differently.

I’ve had c-sections, which are seen as major operations, and I’ve been up and moving the next day and feeling relatively normal and energetic within a week - even with complications and losing a lot of blood.

But I recently had sinus surgery and the recovery has been horrendous. Could hardly get my head off the pillow for the first week and really set myself back by trying to get back to normal too soon. So so tired and a different kind of pain. Was still sleeping as much as poss through week 3. I’m sure other people had the same op and bounced back more quickly than I did, but that doesn’t mean I was milking it, it was just really tough for some reason.

What is your DH like generally, does he avoid family life or is this unusual for him?

I understand it must be hard to feel sympathetic when you are looking after twins while he appears to you to be having a rest.

I

Thank you @DixitWinner . That makes a lot of sense. Sadly, he has been the type to use any opportunity not to have responsibilities in the past. So while I can absolutely agree to feeling the way you mentioned at the end of your post, that's only because I'm so used to him wanting to be anywhere but with me and DC. If this wasn't like him, if he was always loving and attentive, I'd be making sure he stays in bed for months if he told me that's what he needed. But at the moment I guess I'm feeling a little played. Which doesn't paint me in a very good light, I'm sure. I do have sympathy for him. But tonight for example, he insisted on staying downstairs with me and DC, but then spent a good portion of that time telling me off for not getting DC asleep sooner.

Depends on the surgery and the recommendation regarding rest versus early mobility. I also think the person having the surgery should be 'allowed' to make their own decisions, in conjunction with their surgical team as to how to recover.

simply observing if a man queried could his wife do more post surgery he’d get a mn pasting
I actually posted 5 posts any questions about those? Or just 1 you queried?

@SentientAndCognisant no, at the time I wrote my reply I hadn't realised that many of the (very insightful) posts up to that point had been posted by you. Then when I realised, I hoped you wouldn't notice

Genuinely I do apologise for getting defensive about such a non-issue. He did have a DN but has no need for one any more and hasn't for nearly a fortnight, perhaps more. Surgeons advised rest and mobility, but he is the type to fight tooth and nail against being mobile when he's not well.

Major bowel and abdominal surgery, minimal for 2 weeks then gradually back to normal by six weeks, no lifting or straining.
Up every 20 minutes for a walk around the house to prevent blood clots in legs and lungs from discharge from hospital.

Ok,so he need to mobilise eg come make a drink and snack,attend to self care etc
He is not on bed rest or mobile
He needs to be mobile to prevent clots,maintain Muscle tone,promote wellbeing and recovery
Could you ask the DN to give him a call? Is there an underlying mood or motivation issue?

Spinal surgery
Up walking an hour after. Discharged the next day at lunch time
Spent 3 weeks basically eating, sleeping and watching the odd TV show but I was absolutely wiped for 3 weeks. Started going for short walks from week 2 and built it up slowly. Felt more normal week 4 and by week 8 was back on my horse

Oh and my instructions were as much walking as possible but no lifting, bending or twisting at all for 6 weeks. Which is a nightmare when you're trying to spit toothpaste out