I just realised..

[jennie0412]

That even when I want to do something, I try to find a way out of it. I just watched a tiktok of an elderly woman talking about playing the piano. I felt inspired to play so I turned around to my keyboard and found myself hoping it was turned off, so I'd have an excuse to just turn back around and think 'oh well, it wasn't on so I guess I can't play it'.
It was already turned on, and I just played a few seconds of song I heard by just pressing keys until they mashed together in a way that made the right sound and I felt accomplished even if I had to force myself to not turn back around and forget about it.

Small victories.

I'm still figuring out what I want in life. One thing I do know is that some things are so beautiful it's overwhelming. I think I'd like to make music. The piano is beautiful and helps me get out things I can't portray with words.
I'd love to be an artist, maybe anime, if I was good at art I'd choose this job without hesitation. Turning your thoughts into a character's dialogue and being able to evoke emotions from somebody, to have someone so invested in something you've created.

Sorry for the waffling but some things I think disappear so fast I like writing them down somewhere. I'm scared I'll lose them if I don't keep them somewhere.
I wrote a letter to the universe earlier. It helped writing to something that cannot judge you.
Feel free to add any of your thoughts like this

When I think about life and how simple everything really is, my mind clears and I realise everything isn't as difficult as it seems.

In reality, we're made up of star dust, and we are all living on a little spinning rock floating around space. Some may find this terrifying, others might find this comforting, like me.
When I think about it like this, I realise that I can do whatever I want. I'm not talking about hurting people, although I suppose that's true also, but my 'wildest dreams' aren't all that wild. If I want to do something, I can do it. I can always find a way to do something if I want it. Who cares if someone judges you, we're all just living our lives as atoms that happened to develop to become the furthest cognitively developed species so far, they won't remember you when they're dead so who cares?

Hi. You sound like a very creative person. Does the piano help you express that?
I get the bit about not wanting to do anything!
It helped writing to something that cannot judge you.
I never thought about it like that before. I feel like God does judge me, but the universe doesn't. Sorry if that sounds confusing, I see them as two separate entities!

Thank you for replying!
Yes, the piano does help me express it, I guess because if I can't find the right words, I can always press keys until the sound represents what I want it to, if that makes any sense at all? I did just say I'm not good at words!
I never thought about it like that before. I feel like God does judge me, but the universe doesn't. Sorry if that sounds confusing
That's not confusing at all, I totally get that. I don't believe in a god/gods, but I can understand what you mean entirely. If there is a god, I definitely believe they'd be separate things.

I'm fascinated by so many things but I don't know how to do them. I have all of these ideas but I try to apply them and I find I can't do them. It's frustrating and I'm scared I'll never find what I truly want to do.

I feel like I'm driving myself mad with worry when I try to do these things and fail. I need to switch off and go to sleep, I know my head will be clearer then, but when I try, I start worrying again.

Aww, you have my sympathies. I'm up now because of insomnia.
Maybe it's another sign of your creative mind? It's too active to switch off!
Glad you understood what I was trying to say.
I change my mind about what 'my calling' is all the time too.
I hope you can manage to get some sleep tonight. Maybe 'writing' it all down here/in a diary/document will help get all the thoughts out and help you sleep?

Going to try and get to sleep soon. I'm thinking too much I've given myself a headache.
I'm sorry you can't sleep either
I guess I'm just so scared of being mediocre. I don't want a mediocre life, I want people to know my name and what I do.
I love music but I just can't seem to put my thoughts into words that flow. I can't make melodies that sound nice.
I just feel stuck.

How old are you op, I can relate to how you feel!

I suspect that my version of this is to do with social anxiety but I don’t know about these things.

I think to myself that I will walk to the shops today.
20 minute walk.
Oh but the sky is grey, it may rain. It’s lock down so there will be huge queues.
I don’t like queuing, I certainly do not like queuing in the possible rain.
The shelves will be empty therefore there is no point in going.

I’ll take child to the local park, fresh air, good run around.
But it looks like rain, it will be busy, nowhere to park. We’ll go after lunch. But now it’s tea time, it’s going to be getting dark, we’ll go tomorrow.

This thinking could lead me to not leave the house for weeks. Luckily I work full time so I HAVE to leave the house.

I take my child to school & pick up... with a face mask, earphones in, miles away from a single person to prevent them talking to me.

I’m that flaky friend who you invite to your wedding/BBQ/housewarming who never ever comes. Talk myself out of it the moment you ask me to come. I just say no thank you.

I sabotage any ideas of doing anything.

@Bluebootshoe

How old are you op, I can relate to how you feel!

I'm young, under 18