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Would you date this man or is this a red flag?

12 replies

Safeties · 13/11/2020 15:58

I’m looking to settle down. I’ve pushed many men away who wanted this with me and now I have my career sorted and feel somewhat financially secure, I would love to share day to day life with someone. I’m terrible at noticing red flags or non starters, I always give the benefit of the doubt and that has NOT served me well so far.

I’m picky in the sense that I want to feel like this people is right for me and I don’t want to just be with someone for the sake of it. But I don’t want to come home everyday to a silent dark house.

I’ve been talking to someone online. He lives near where I grew up, about 45 mins from where I am now. We’ve chatted on the phone and text and plan to meet up after lockdown. Last night he told me his last relationship was at university (he’s 35). He’s never lived with anyone. His sister is 34 and single and not had a relationship either...probably not relevant but maybe it is. His parents are together still and live nearby. I asked outright if he wanted the same things as me and he said yes when he met the right person and that he was looking forward to us meeting.

I have zero patience with men who want to just glide through life without prioritising a relationship. I get that’s not everyone’s way but it matters to me. I’m always shit at recognising red flags or non starters... so being very cautious this time.

Would you meet/date him?

OP posts:
DrDetriment · 13/11/2020 16:02

Yes I'd meet him but is it he hasn't had a long term relationship or he hasn't dated anyone? Very different things. The latter would bother me.

Safeties · 13/11/2020 16:05

He said he had had some short things but wouldn’t call them relationships. This concerned me more really as it suggests even more that he’s not massively bothered about settling down?

I just don’t want to waste my time and need to learn to move on when something doesn’t fit what I’m looking for, rather than investing time and thinking I can alter that.

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 13/11/2020 16:10

I’d probably meet him but I wouldn’t get my hopes up until you find out what he is really like and can get a better reading on what he’s looking for.

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x2boys · 13/11/2020 16:55

When was your last long term relationship Op ,maybe he's the same as you and is only now looking to settle down?

GoGoGone · 13/11/2020 17:07

Me and my dp were the same. Just never met the fight person, both quite shy etc. Set up my a mutual friend and now a year into very happily living together and planning to get engaged next year.

I don't think it's a red flag- just see what he's like.

If it turns out he's had a string of gfs and run away just when asked to commit then maybe that is more concerning but I don't think it's something that means you shouldn't give him a shot

SnuggyBuggy · 13/11/2020 17:08

I'd be willing to at least meet him.

WildRosie · 13/11/2020 17:11

Keep away from me, Safeties. I have neither started dating nor had any kind of personal relationship!

Anyways, by all means meet up with this man and try to keep an open mind. Worth a try surely (if that doesn't sound too crude) ?

Suzi888 · 13/11/2020 17:12

Yes I’d meet him, you may not actually like him! Just because you meet him once, you don’t have to marry the guy.
Get to know him and ask him about his past, maybe he’s like you.

loutypips · 13/11/2020 17:26

But he may be thinking the same about you? You haven't settled down, he might be thinking what's wrong with her!

Safeties · 13/11/2020 17:32

Yes that’s true @loutypips but I’ve had two long term things and lived with someone. Maybe I’m looking for problems!

OP posts:
PickleSarnie · 13/11/2020 17:36

I was 32 when I met my now husband. My longest relationship was a year. Before that it was probably a few months.

I don't think I have any major character flaws, anything 'wrong' with me or 'red flags' that caused it. Just didn't meet someone I wanted to settle down with.

MinnieMountain · 13/11/2020 19:14

My friend’s DH was like that. He was 36ish. She made things clear from the start too. They’re happily married with 2 DC.

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