How would you deal with this?

[Notsandwiches]

I have a 12 year old daughter who refuses to do most of what I ask. She has few responsibilities. We are talking about tidying her room, walking the dog once a day, handing over electronics at bedtime and getting ready for school so that I can give her a lift. Everything results in an argument. I hate it. Take last night for example, when I asked for the I pad to be put in my room. Total refusal by DD and she takes it downstairs. I give a consequence of removing her phone from charge. Result was a total meltdown. She hates me, I can't do this it's her phone, all I do is shout and so on. I am not a shouter. However I do raise my voice by the time it gets to the 10th time I'm asking. Her bedroim is disgusting. It's getting to the point that I really resent her. How can I handle this better?

I used to have similar when my son was younger.
So I’d agree the time the device would have to be off or handed over.
For every minute he went over it was taken off the following day. So he was only losing against himself.
I’d structure things a little more so say dog walk has to be done by a set time. If not you lose that time off device time too.
That way they have to do things off their own backs and not be nagged to.

Time for a rethink OP cos what ever you are doing its not working! I think you need to try to establish an element of trust here with your dd,,just enough to make her feel like a grown up if you know what I mean? Now that doesnt mean her getting all her own way but maybe if you both sat down and had a conversation to come up with new house rules together and give her input too it may help.I would come at it from a different angle though,I would say that you are really busy and as she is growing up you would like her to maybe help out a bit more to help you. She is pushing back and the arguments arent her being awkward as such although kids are a bit selfish and do like to get their own way!So my plan would be to say ...how about we tidy your bedroom together this weekend and get it all nice then we make a list of how we can help each other? If this goes down well then your list could be for her
!) walk the dog before tea and straight from school
2) Do any home work and lay out clothes and shoes and bags needed for tomorrow after a quick drink and snack
3) empty her bin and quick tidy round her room before bed
4) then she gets free time on her devices til say 9
then you leave the devices in her room with her trusting her that she will turn them off at 9 if she doesnt do this then she looses them again..chances are she will play ball with you cos she will want to keep her things...
A bit of give and take could be all it needs.Put the onus on her to keep her end of the bargain that way if she looses any devices or anything its on her to rebuild trust and earn them back...
You are controlling the situation totally by getting a tidy bedroom an organized dd and a sensible one who should stick to the rules then the stress will be gone for you.Its kidology but it works,,,did for mine anyway.They thought they had won by keeping their beloved devices but they would have had them anyway but under my terns not theirs !!! if you see what I mean.I got a tidy bedroom and they even bought their laundry down which was a great help and they got organised taking the stress off me yelling at them for school bags n pe kits etc cos they had already had to do it the night before!!! Made for a stress free time of it and it was so much better really for all of us...the more they are nvolved in family life like mine liked to help make dinner etc or their own packed lunch the less time on bloody devices....might be worth a try for you and see if you can be a bit happier too ?

It’s removal of devices for any of that sort of stuff. Keep it until everything that needs done is done. No raising voices. You explain it, explain what she needs to do, walk away when she’s tantrumming, engage only when she is being calm and respectful. Don’t get into negotiations. She gets her devices back once everything is done (properly- not half assed) and apologises for any bad behaviour. It won’t be instant but be consistent and she’ll get the hang of how it works.

With little kids, and older, you don't ask then walk away. You ask & stand there doing nothing else but waiting for them to get it done, until it's done. Sometimes this is required with older ones, too.

If they say "in a minute" then you ask them for a commitment of when is "in a minute". And you are back in the vicinity within 30 seconds of that time they chose to see the matter is done. Waiting like a bad smell until it's done. Then you say thanks & move off. They like this consistency.

You say she 'refuses' but do you just mean she refuses repeatedly until it gets done? Then it still gets done, you just need to stream line the process. Try very hard to take your emotions out of the interaction. These are just chores, tasks to be done. You being emotional doesn't make a chore easier.

Tidy room: is it actually a health hazard that will attract vermin? Otherwise, this is not a battle I would pick.

Walking the dog: it wasn't really her choice to get the dog. Even if she begged originally, you're the responsible adult. Would be nice if she helps, but the dog's needs are your responsibility. I would remove this battle zone.

Sounds like you both resent each other right now.

Listen to everything she says that is not actually abuse, btw. Be the person she knows will listen to whatever is in her head when she needs to share. This policy will help re-establish better comms between both of you.

How about turning some responsibility back to her? So ask her what she thinks is a sensible time to stop using electronics. Talk about why it's important to have screen free time before bed (this is likely to have been discussed at school too so won't be alien to her). With her bedroom, you may have to leave that, it's her space, maybe discuss some ground rules (eg: I ask for no food in bedrooms - we have a cat who has been known to bring live mice up to bedrooms and releasing them, so I explain we don't want to encourage vermin).

As she's hitting puberty, she's going to start pushing boundaries and pulling away as she starts adjusting to imminent adulthood, maybe try to start treating her as you would want to be treated as an adult. I'd hate for my DH or boss to stand over me if I said I'd do something in a minute. Give her the time to finish whatever it is, and then follow up if she doesn't get around to it. But in a light way - 'did you manage to bring your glass down to the dishwasher at all?'.

It might not work, she may not be ready, but it might lead to a slightly less resentful feel?

Oh and at hot spots, I've sometimes asked the kids 'what would you do if you were me?'. More often than not, they actually suggest much harsher treatment than I would consider. It completely defuses the situation though, and we can meet somewhere in the middle.