Just need some support today please, revisiting an awful time

[Laehf]

I’ve NC. My ex partner left me while I was miscarrying this year. I was a broken person and all the time it was happening he repeatedly left the house to talk on the phone to his mum, gone for 2 hours at a time. The second day he went to work and then text me saying it was over, he wanted me to leave the house before he got back. I’m ashamed to say that in the middle of what I was going through I begged him to change his mind. I begged him to stay with me while I went through it as I was scared and couldn’t see anyone else due to the pandemic. I didn’t want to be alone. He told me I had ‘exhibited irrational and dramatic behaviours’ which meant the relationship was no longer workable for him. His mother text me to say ‘have you never dealt with a crisis before?’

This was because I was sobbing and a mess and alone mid pandemic and couldn’t see anyone other than my partner and I was shaken about what was happening, waiting to see if it would pass or if I needed medical management. It was hard even getting a medical appointment at the start of the pandemic. He told me he knew people who had miscarried and that it was no big deal. This made me more distraught and alone. I don’t consider my crying and panicking to have been out of the ordinary, though maybe I’m wrong about that. I’m usually a calm person and did everything for him from cleaning, his washing, tidying and food shopping, while holding down a job a similar level to him. He knew this reaction was because I was in a bad place.

When it first happened I blamed myself and thought it was me that had caused him to end it. I still have doubts now but hold on to the fact someone who loved me wouldn’t have done that to me. I left before he got home that day and he never contacted me ever again. That still shocks me to this day. It feels so cruel.

I just needed to post this as I struggle some days and today is one of them. I would rather not talk about the miscarriage in further posts and it is hard to think about. But I still struggle with getting my head around the fact a man I trusted and spent so much time with, supported, cared for, could do that to me. It felt like a betrayal. I don’t know if I can ever trust anyone again. I know this sounds like woe is me, most days I pick myself up. Just not ok today and any future relationship prospect seems impossible. I’m 36 so would have loved to have met someone.

Your former partner sounds like a complete tosser and, judging by his mother's comment, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Maybe we should feel sorry for him because he clearly didn't have much in the way of parental guidance when it comes to empathy and support. Then again, he's an adult and responsible for his own actions.

I hope the time will come soon, OP, when you can thank your lucky stars that you didn't end up saddled with him in a more long-lasting way.

It was a betrayal you are right. Your ex sounds like an arsehole as for his mum texting you that, she sounds just as cruel.

Your reaction to a miscarriage is normal, justified and I am sorry you went through that. Just like you said you do not wish to talk about it further, many people are the same so his statement of "other people have had one and it's no big deal" is absolute shit, some people just dont like speaking about them, understandably. Hope you find your way soon OP. You have been through a lot.

He sounds utterly awful op. He treated you terribly. It was nothing you did or didn't do. He was an utter arsehole, not just in relation to your miscarriage but it also sounds like he totally took you for granted (you did all the housework etc).

I am do sorry you went through such a dreadful time and for your loss. But he was a fucking twat and with time you will see that more and more.

What fo your friends and family think about his behaviour? Do you have support?

Oh OP, what a terrible thing to have to live through. You endured a painful, frightening, heartbreaking event at the start of a pandemic when the whole world was losing its collective mind from fear. A normal loving partner would have been supportive and kind - your ex is abhorrent in his treatment of you.

Given the level of day to day support you gave him I think his accusation 'irrational and dramatic behaviours" actually meant 'How dare you behave in any way that doesn't reflect my standing as the most important human being in the universe's. As for his mum, she's obviously facilitated his rise to self styled god of humanity.

You are just fine as you are, look at how strong you were to leave and how strong you remain

Also, please never be ashamed of begging him to let you stay and for him to look after you. He on the other hand should be burning with shame at turning his back on any one in that level of need, never mind a partner he's supposed to love and cherish.

If karma is real he's in for a terrible time from now on.

Thank you for such kind messages. I was worried that people would say my behaviour pushed him away.

Whenever I think of that time I feel sick, I often cry and I just feel scared, like actually fearful of someone ever doing that again. I’m supposed to be on a first date with someone this weekend. We’ve been chatting on and off for a week and a half (I am a long way from family so no support bubble and he will have finished 2 week isolation from abroad so all in line with covid rules, he won’t be seeing anyone afterwards). I suddenly feel so scared to even go there. I just want a nice happy relationship and I don’t see myself ever having faith in that again.

Christ he’s a prize prick and a half. He should be ashamed of how he treated you.

wrong I was mostly shocked at how he was so cold. Literally one day we are happily together and the next he has cut me out completely because of it all. I should have known a long time sooner, we watched a heartbreaking documentary of a person involved in an accident which left them totally paralysed and dependant on 24 hour care, to which he said it was a waste of hospital resources to look after him and the family should have done the right thing by stopping further treatment. The man knew exactly what was going on he just couldn’t move. I hated him for that comment and I should have taken more notice then.

OP, I keep reading bits where you say things like 'I should have known' or 'I caused this' or 'I thought people would blame me for this' - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

Sorry for shouting but its really not your fault. Sometimes we don't realise a person is behaving really badly because there behaviour is so bad it's hard to process so it kind of gets glossed over. It may be that he conditioned you into putting up with his rubbish, it maybe that his behaviour was so spectacularly bad that you just couldn't fathom that a human would be that horrible.
Please ask yourself how his behaviour being so awful that it fell below what you could reasonably expect in a relationship could be your fault? (The answer to this is he is a stone cold prick and his equally rancid maw enabled him).

Their, not there, pardon me.

It is absolutely not your fault.

If you don't yet feel ready to go on a date with someone new then step back, do things in your time. You don't have to do anything right now.