How did you feel when your kids started school? Struggling today

[SinkGirl]

My twins have officially started their specialist school today after a long and horrible battle. I have been fighting for this for such a long time and it’s a brilliant school - they’ve had a few settling in days and love it. Today they are going swimming, they’re going to have a brilliant time. And yet I am sobbing and feeling like crap.

We’ve had a really tough time - they are both autistic (theyre going to an ASD specialist school), one also has a visual impairment and other medical issues. I can’t safely take them out on my own so our weeks are spent mostly indoors. This year has been especially tough as they couldn’t go to nursery, then when they did go back it was only for 3 hours twice a week. I’ve been exhausted and can’t give them the 1:1 support they need. They can’t do the things that other 4 year olds do - no painting or play doh, struggle even to get them to play with toys. We’ve basically been firefighting every day, keeping them safe but not much else.

I can’t believe how little they will be at home from now on. I feel so guilty that we haven’t been able to make the most of the time we’ve had together or enjoy it. I don’t know if this even makes any sense.

We had to put them on the school minibus this morning - I couldn’t explain to them why we weren’t going with them or where they were going. I don’t know if they were scared or worried or wondering what was going on.

I feel like we’ve wasted all this time together and now they’ll be gone nearly 8 hours a day, five days a week - it just seems so wrong.

Does anyone relate to this at all? I have plans for what I will do with my time but just going to rest for the next few days as I’m really run down and shattered. But I can’t properly rest today as I’m wondering if they’re okay.

Hi @SinkGirl, I think we have chatted before on some multiple births posts (I used to be RubySlippers) - my DTs are 5 now and started full time school in September. Whilst I was immensely grateful for the break I was still sad in some ways so you are not alone!! They were going to preschool/ nursery for half days previously but then of course with lockdown were home for months. I won't lie, it was hard work, but now I feel like... oh, my babies are growing up and I'm not ready for it!

It must be especially hard for you if they have communication difficulties too. One of mine is NT but the other one is suspected ASD so I do understand where you're coming from, whilst at the same time thinking you are amazing for coping with two

If they are at specialist school then I'm sure the school will be happy to set your mind at rest on any worries - perhaps give them a call to check everything is ok? Do they offer any updates via a website/ communication book to let you know what your DTs are up to every day? I know it's harder at the moment but perhaps you could request a visit at some point, hopefully the school could accommodate that.

Hope you have a good rest today and that your DTs enjoy school. Honestly, it's completely understandable that you're feeling like this, for a start you must be exhausted... fingers crossed that by Christmas everyone is in a routine and you are feeling much better about the situation!

Thank you so much @ClaraTheImpossibleGirl - I hope you’re okay, going through the ASD assessment phase and not knowing is so stressful, I hope they’re getting the support they need at school while you wait.

I’m glad I’m not the only one - I’ve been so desperate for a break but it’s one extreme to the other! I keep thinking I need to make the most of the break and rest but then remember they’ll be there again tomorrow and Friday!

Their wonderful teacher emailed me at lunchtime to say they were having a wonderful day and how happy the staff are to have them there. I know it will be so good for them, just the end of an era I guess, even though it’s been a tough era!

I’m here if you want to chat

I feel so guilty that we haven’t been able to make the most of the time we’ve had together or enjoy it. I don’t know if this even makes any sense.

Of course it makes sense I think loads of people feel this way after the crazy toddler years. You want them to be over and at the same time last forever.

You have had so much extra to cope with too- twins and both with additional needs. It will take a long period of adjustment for you to get used to the new routine. Just take it as it comes. You can plan but you don’t have to rush into anything. Take some time to reconnect with yourself. Hope your DC love their new school.

Hi OP, I have two extra needs sons and sometimes the end of a long battle can be the final straw. It wasn't until I got what I had fought for that I allowed myself to acknowledge the trauma of having to fight so hard for my boys' well-being.
Mine are 15 and 13 now though so it is mostly a memory for me as their needs are very well met these days. It dues get easier, OP, I promise.

Thank you all. I wasn’t prepared to be so upset but you’re right @vintageyoda - I think the trauma of everything comes out when you stop and have a moment to think for the first time. Throughout lockdown I was dealing with their tribunals and it was such a horrendous process - hearings were only at the end of September so everything has happened really quickly and I haven’t had the time or energy to recover from that. Now I do which is great, but it’s a double edged sword I guess.

Just filling in forms to volunteer for IPSEA so that would be good, and I can get my small business back up and running for the first time since I was pregnant... I’m just not used to wondering what to do with my time I guess! But this week I will just rest :)

Definitely take a bit of time for yourself @SinkGirl, even if it's just a day or two I guess it's a bit like how people tend to get ill once they're on holiday after a long stint at work; you don't realise how stressed you are over something until the stress is (supposedly!) taken away.

I wish I'd been able to make more of the last school year with the DC at nursery mornings only, but then of course lockdown came along and put paid to that! One of my DTs is really enjoying school, the other not so much, but I'm pleased that your DTs are having a lovely time and that the school are so communicative.

Good news about your business too - I'm currently job hunting after five years out of the workplace, it's proving daunting! - and what a fab idea to volunteer for IPSEA. I'm hoping to do some NHS volunteer work once I (hopefully!) have some working hours arranged, they're looking for people in my area.

Hope your DTs had a great day at school today and that you're feeling better

Thank you - I felt much better after the email from their teacher, but was still nervous about the bus. Dashed out when they arrived - DT1 was fast asleep, DT2 was grinning. DT1 woke up and I tried to get him off the bus but he kept sitting back down! Then I got some lovely pictures of them swimming, apparently DT1 was copying the teacher blowing bubbles in the water which is unheard of (they don’t copy anything, let alone something like that which is tricky).

So I feel much calmer now that I know they’re happy - my worry is just whether they’ll be happy once they realise it’s every week day, will they think actually I don’t want to go there every day... but will see what happens. Definitely still feel guilty, like I’m palming my kids off to someone else, but I know this will be so good for them and frankly I’m not managing to give them what they need at home so it’s for the best.

I work very part time for the NHS and love it so I’m sure you’ll enjoy that - hopefully between that, hopefully some volunteering, my little business and actually doing the housework rather than leaving it, I’ll be very busy! My own health isn’t great so I can’t work more yet but maybe one day when things calm down :)

Oh I'm so glad they had a lovely time @SinkGirl! That must have put your mind at ease

It's completely natural to feel protective about your DC and whether someone else will look after them as well as you do, but obviously schools can provide other facilities for them which they'll appreciate, with the added bonus that you get a break

I have bellowed at DTS1 three times today for (a) not listening and (b) running into the road, and I KNOW he is much better behaved at school! We both ended up in tears; some days I really think I should push ahead with his ASD diagnosis even though his last teacher didn't think it was worth it.

I haven't had any luck finding (paid) NHS work which is part time - everything near me seems to be full time and/ or shift work - but hopefully I'll be able to fit volunteer round some actual paid work, once I find some! Can you run your business from home? I am thoroughly exhausted after a terrible birth, an unsupportive DP and five years with the DTs and can't decide whether I could physically manage to travel to work every day... however tomorrow I'm expecting a delivery of some brownies so I will take some time just to enjoy those and ten minutes' peace!

Hi OP, two things: you'll get used to it much quicker than you think and they will have a great time. I'm closely associated with a similar school and the staff will give their all to making sure they are safe, happy and fulfilling their potential. Well done for getting through the first day.

Thanks everyone - I feel so much better than I did a few days ago. Mainly because they are having such a good time - DT1 ran to the bus yesterday morning and this morning and they’ve just been happy and smiling so much. The staff sent photos and notes and they are doing brilliantly. I was worried we’d have gone through all this and then they wouldn’t go or would struggle to settle in but luckily that hasn’t happened.

@ClaraTheImpossibleGirl I got super lucky with my job, they definitely don’t come up often as I only work 30 hours a month and mostly flexible too. Keep an eye out for any patient representative / forum type roles - they are often very few hours but well paid for them. Volunteering in the meantime is a good plan. I know what you mean - I can’t commit to anything regular because my health is so crappy and there’s no childcare we can access in holidays, so will just because focussing on my own stuff. I’m going to restart my Etsy shop which did quite well before I had the twins so hopefully I can get that back up and running.

Please take more time for yourself, rest, next week as well. there is no rush. you have had an absolute nightmare and you need to look after yourself. I actually think crying it's really good. I think it's very therapeutic and it's a release so if you need to have an occasional Cry that's absolutely fine.

Op so pleased that you have found such a good school for your DTs. Can I urge you not to take on too much extra stuff straight away? You’ve been through a stressful time, and there may well be stressful times ahead. Allow yourself time to recuperate a little and process what you’ve been through.

I think also @SinkGirl that because twins are so utterly bloody relentless overwhelming, when they're not there you tend to feel a bit lost, or at least I do! When I just have one DC it's easier to involve them in things I'm doing - even if it's boring housework things - but together it's impossible. If neither of them are there, I sometimes don't know what to do first as there's so much I need to get on with!

Another meltdown on the way to school today for DTS1. Sigh...

Thank you for the idea about the NHS role, I'll keep an eye out. We do have PIL nearby who would do a little bit of childcare for us, but they're in their 70s and find both DTs too much to look after for long/ too often, so I do need something fairly flexible. Hopefully by next summer everything will be back to normal in terms of childcare activities!

How lovely that they're in a school that meets their needs so well. The school routine will be great for them and so will the specialist care. You've done a really hard stint, including all the fighting to get the kids there, and you're now a bit deflated and what now? You've been amazing fighting for this, give yourself a break.