My school reports have made me sad

[helloxhristmas]

I've just read through all my old school reports. I was very academic but pretty much every report mentions that I was anxious, a people pleaser, scared of being wrong, particularly in primary. Also mention that I was very careless, slapdash and could have been 'even better if I applied myself properly'.

It makes me sad as I remember how I felt. It took me a long time to let go of the anxiety but I did. BUT I now see myself mirrored in my daughters' reports. They are query dyslexia, going through screening again but also achieving academically.

I'm wondering if perhaps I am dyslexic and it wasn't recognised or event potentially ASD. I'm also wondering why it wasn't picked up on or was it just not noticed then. I was so anxious in R - Y2 I regularly had uncontrollable diarreah (sp?) I had to get collected and taken home to get in the bath.

How old are you now op?

That sounds a terrible experience honestly awful for you was your stomach issues never investigated?

Old! Mid 40s.

No not really re stomach issues, always put down to anxiety. I do as an adult have IBS -D which is triggered by anxiety but tbh since I hit about 40 I've hit peak 'I don't give a fuck' mode and correspondingly any attacks have massively reduced.

Did you have a bad childhood? Did something cause your anxiety?

My DH has the same Dys condition as DD but he was undiagnosed and labelled at school as trouble boys tend to act out more than girls. Do you think you would feel a bit of relief if you had a diagnosis?

Btw I was a disabled child in mainstream school I had some learning disabilities as well as physical problems that they didn't know how to teach or help school wasn't great for me it takes a lot to get past.

@Bluntness100

Did you have a bad childhood? Did something cause your anxiety?

No not at all, I am adopted but always open and known about, maybe something deep seated about it though?

Thanks for this. It really resonates with me. I read mine at my mum’s house in the summer. As a little child ‘struggles with choosing time’ (just like my DS). As I went through primary ‘needs to speak out more’. Never a mention of why I might be anxious (mostly some awful family circumstances, but also personality I guess). I hadn’t realised though how extremely good my later, mostly 6th form, reports were. I only ever saw the negatives.
Also interesting was looking at my brother’s school work. Our family ‘story’ is always that he was terrible at school, couldn’t read his writing etc. We both laughed at how good it really was, especially when compared to our own dyslexic DC (who we also think are doing great). Mum wasn’t horrible - this was just the message we got.
Like you, I’m past 40 now and most anxieties are easily managed or are more fleeting.

Oh it might be useful reading about attachment theory or seek counseling my friend is adopted her adopted family are lovely but she said there was always "something" going on.

Poor you

I found mine recently. I was bullied unmercifully at school for years and it caused almost weekly migraines. I see my my attendance that I really did miss almost half of my schooling due to absence. And nobody helped.

The damage has been long lasting. I don't know what the answer is, I'm sorry

....every report mentions that I was anxious, a people pleaser, scared of being wrong, particularly in primary.

Gosh, in Primary School ?. Mine just say , " Talks too much. Good at Games. Needs to concentrate on her hand writing "

@Pyewhacket

....every report mentions that I was anxious, a people pleaser, scared of being wrong, particularly in primary.

Gosh, in Primary School ?. Mine just say , " Talks too much. Good at Games. Needs to concentrate on her hand writing "

From reception! Kids would never be graded like that now, thankfully. It was an indie convent which clearly didn't help.

@parrotonmyshoulder

Thanks for this. It really resonates with me. I read mine at my mum’s house in the summer. As a little child ‘struggles with choosing time’ (just like my DS). As I went through primary ‘needs to speak out more’. Never a mention of why I might be anxious (mostly some awful family circumstances, but also personality I guess). I hadn’t realised though how extremely good my later, mostly 6th form, reports were. I only ever saw the negatives. Also interesting was looking at my brother’s school work. Our family ‘story’ is always that he was terrible at school, couldn’t read his writing etc. We both laughed at how good it really was, especially when compared to our own dyslexic DC (who we also think are doing great). Mum wasn’t horrible - this was just the message we got. Like you, I’m past 40 now and most anxieties are easily managed or are more fleeting.

My brother was always seen as 'not clever enough' or relatively 'not as clever as me'. Looking at his reports he was getting 90% in English in year 4.

I've come to realise that you have to conform to a particular template - with very little tolerance - if you are going to be seen as acceptable in school.

It's always the child that has to adapt to the education system rather than vice versa.

It can be especially difficult for those with learning differences - who could absolutely flourish in the right environment, if only they were given that chance.

If you were summed up like you were in those report cards, OP, I think it says more about the teachers who lacked the imagination or experience to understand you properly and help you thrive.

They decided the fault must lie with you and magnified your anxiety. Good teachers would have tried to help you be the best version of yourself rather than making you doubt the very core of your nature.

I think I'm going to give your teachers a C- retrospectively!

This has resonated with me. Part of me thinks I'm bonkers to be already spotting my traits in DD. She is 3.5 but she keeps missing out on things at nursery because even if the staff say 'Who would like to do some painting?' and DD is desperate to, something stops her saying that she wants to join in so she sits and watches the other kids painting, wishing that she was joining in.

It took me until my mid twenties to just straightforwardly be able to say 'yes please' if someone offered me a cup of tea. If someone said 'would you like a cup of tea?', I would worry they were going to go to the bother of making one just for me so I'd say 'no thanks' and then they'd make one for themselves and I'd wish I'd said 'yes'. Ridiculous!

I don't even know how to categorise this behaviour (it's some sort of shyness/awkwardness), but DD is showing it and I desperately don't want her to follow in my footsteps on this!

Also the awful fear of failing in any task. DD's showing signs of this too.

I've grown out of a lot of these things so I'd hoped DD would copy my current behaviour but it really seems to be nature over nurture in many respects.

From what I remember my school reports were similar to yours but I think I might dig them out and give them a read.

DS is 4 and starting school next year so I am in the process of choosing schools etc.

I am aware that he is very like me personality wise which actually as a parent I find really useful because I feel like I really understand him and I often reflect back on my own childhood when parenting him. There are things my mum did with me I have promised never to do with him (nothing bad, just unhelpful) and things she did that were excellent parenting for me even if I didn't know it at the time.

The way I see it is that I can't change the way he is or stop him being like me but I can help him to overcome obstacles his personality may have and ensure I read his school reports with perspective not just on face value.

I'm glad I have resonated with others and thanks for all your comments.

I was always 'high flying' at school, the social element @INeedNewShoes is massive. I'm the same. I'll cross the street to avoid talking to someone I know. FFS!!!!!!!

It took me until my mid twenties to just straightforwardly be able to say 'yes please' if someone offered me a cup of tea. If someone said 'would you like a cup of tea?', I would worry they were going to go to the bother of making one just for me so I'd say 'no thanks' and then they'd make one for themselves and I'd wish I'd said 'yes'. Ridiculous!

Yes! This was me, too.

My reports from primary were much the same and I'm still an anxious perfectionist. Reports call me anxious, emotional, scared of being wrong, scared to ask for help - but very academically able.

In year 1 I had a 'shouty' teacher whom I was afraid of. I have a vivid memory of getting some craft activity completely wrong, and being absolutely terrified to tell her because she was in a bad mood that day and I knew she'd shout at me for wasting materials. Instead, I sat there and quietly cried. Having no escape from the situation was so horrible. When she eventually noticed, she shouted at me for crying instead of telling her.

I started school refusing in secondary because the demands were way too high and I couldn't cope.

I'm still horribly anxious (and get weird physical symptoms, including a fever the other day which disappeared immediately after the meeting I'd been dreading) but at least I've taught myself strategies over the years to make it easier. I wish adults had done that when I was younger instead of just telling me to 'toughen up'.

I know the feeling.

I had a look at my old school reports and they keep saying "bright but lacks confidence."

Of course I lacked confidence. My mum thought it was her job to criticise and put me down constantly in case I got above myself.

Took me years to realise I actually wasn't crap after all. Still don't like my mum.

Wow it's sad isn't it.

@PumpkinCheater

I know the feeling.

I had a look at my old school reports and they keep saying "bright but lacks confidence."

Of course I lacked confidence. My mum thought it was her job to criticise and put me down constantly in case I got above myself.

Took me years to realise I actually wasn't crap after all. Still don't like my mum.

And this x

I had this feeling last year when we were moving and I found my old 6th form reports from the early 80's. One said simply 'A lost cause'! I felt so sad as I lived in a house with very little heating, 3 to a bedroom, nowhere quiet to study, nourishing food but not a lot of it. I worked any job since i was 14 to earn money and my parents knew education was important but weren't very educated themselves so didn't know how to offer support. My grades weren't great but I scraped into Higher Education and did well considering my background.

I'm sure modern reports would be less harsh nowadays or the teachers would at least probe deeper into why a child isn't achieving and put in strategies to help.

My final primary school report described me as "sullen and a nuisance". Horrible thing for a teacher to say about a 10 year old child. He basically just didn't like me. I also got slapped hard across the face by a headteacher when I was 8 years old for messing about in the corridor. My memories of school aren't good ones.

Old school reports are heartless. I'm late 40s and my secondary school ones upset me. They just go on and on about how she is far too shy.... must learn to speak up.... won't get anywhere if she doesn't use her voice.
I was so anxious and shy as a teenager and the reports don't see me at all - just see the fact I was too quiet.