Have you ever said things like this to your child age 12-16?

[Rettyea]

Why can’t you be like your fiend Laura who is so happy and relaxed
Why can’t you go off and read magazines like your sister and people your age instead of pestering me (mum) all day
You’re so dramatic and over the top
You were a very difficult person to bring up
You were a nightmare to bring up
You’ve got problems
You’re not normal
You need help
You’re so weird

No of course not.

Well possibly, you're not normal, if they were eating Pringles dipped in peanut butter or something. But they would know I was jesting.

The rest of it is just so nasty and demoralising. Parents are supposed to lift you up not put you down.

Mine used to call me thick as two short planks. The rest of my family never said it. But they have always thought I was thick. And often have surprised face when I say or do something that shows I’m not. But they still believe it.

I have never said of those things to my son. And never said anything like that to a child that I have taught. These words stay with u.

Dramatic and ott, yes to my 12 years old. Not the others. I am sorry if you were told those things.

Nobody would say things like that to anyone, let alone their still-developing child, unless they wanted to hurt them which is an abusive thing to want/do.

There is a world if difference in the intent between a loving, secure, supportive parent saying “You’re weird” and it being part of a joke between you, and a parent-child relationship that lacks all those things where those comments truly hurt and destabilise the child’s world.

I tell my child they are a goblin changeling when they run around madly yelling and exhausting me. I say “you’re an alien!” when they demonstrate touching their nose with their tongue. I say “you’re not normal!” when they curl their tongue (because i can’t do that and they are very proud they can beat me at this).
I say every one of those things with love and she says them to me and we laugh so much because i love the bones of her and would never want her to be like someone else when who she is amazes me every day. I’m sorry that you weren’t given that background of absolute love and security. It can take a lot in adulthood to build yourself up without those firm foundations of worth and happiness, but it can be done.

My mother used to say most of those things to me.
It's called emotional abuse.

I have had a lot of therapy and I know that these comments were damaging. I’m just sad about it because my childhood was filled with love in other areas, but overshadowed by these comments alongside hitting and hair pulling and being left alone regularly. I’m generally ok at life I think, have my own home and good job and friends...

Can anyone tell me how this might impact romantic relationships and how I can avoid a pitfall?

I have never got over it. And it is how I think people still see me. Especially as I went down a different route from siblings ( due to the comments ) they are all high flyers and I never had the confidence and was always told I couldn’t do it.

I am very defence about myself and have a very low self esteem. I have also left jobs as I just couldn’t cope with feeling like I was doing a bad job even though I was told I wasn’t.

My husband always tells I’m silly and that’s not how people see u. But when u spent most of ur childhood being told this you believe it and I still do.

My husband always tells me that I can do anything. But I never believe it. He knows I don’t believe him. But he never stops saying it. And he just lets me be. As he knows I will never change my mind. But I love him for what he says and does

My mum used to say these things to me. I got ‘you ruined my life’ and ‘you are a horrible child’ regularly. Like you my parents were loving in other ways.

It hasn’t impacted my romantic relationships. But has impacted my confidence in general.

Your childhood sounds like mine, left alone a lot, called names her favourite word was bitch, she still calls me it to everyone she meets. Oh my daughter is such a bitch, she has convinced her whole family that I’ve always been a horrible person. Luckily my fathers side have nothing to do with her and know me not to be anything she’s said. She is a very jealous person & hasn’t a nice word to say about anyone so now that I’ve grown up I know it’s just her awful twisted soul.

I am no NC with her and it’s been hard, I’ve always wanted a mum and as I’ve no siblings/cousins its been hard developing close relationships.

I adore my kids and have never said anything like this, it would break my heart!

I was told some of those things, along with 'people don't do/say/think that'. I grew up thinking there was something very wrong with me and that 'people' all behaved one way and were a mystery to me.

Much later my mother told me that she saw her children as extensions of herself and not as actual people in their own right until long after we'd grown up. She said all parents do this. I, however, think that attitude explains a great deal about the difficult parts of my childhood and adolescence.

I'd never say anything like that to a child, even if they were unusual or difficult at times.

My mum said a lot of these things. It affects my confidence but you wouldn't know because I fake that. My husband sees the real side of me but it took me a long time to trust a partner enough to just be myself, as I still believe myself to be inherently unlikeable and weird.

I have friends, but I question it. I've not had many close adult female friends. I push myself very hard to be 'perfect' and find it very hard to cut myself any slack without feeling guilty.

I'm a mum and sometimes my kids push me to the edge! I understand, she found it hard. Parenting is hard. I have started to go down this road with my own kids but when it happens I stop myself, apologise profusely and reassure them I'm just cross and they are actually wonderful people I love dearly. She never ever admitted any blame but I believe she said those things in the heat of anger and not because she believed them. I really don't want to repeat history it makes me so heartbroken I could/I am.

It's always there in the background, the sense of my 'wrongness' even though I would describe the rest of my childhood as happy and Mum was/is very loving. My sympathies x

I do tell my two they're being dramatic. When they are, because they are. We have got a streak of drama in my family unfortunately - I tell them that too. The rest is what my mother told me, along with a few other choice items.

no - with possibly the exception of You’re so dramatic and over the top but that only in extreme circumstances with a proper talk and hug afterwards.

Thats all I had at that age right through till 22 when I finally left I got your fat, will amount to nothing.

Some of those things in context are fine. I told DD she is weird not five minutes ago. She agree wholeheartedly.

But in context you are describing emotional abuse and I'm so sorry.

My mate had a similar mother and she has very successful relationships. In fact she's a psychotherapist herself. She says never stop being curious. Think about who you are and what you are choosing in your relationships. Stick with therapy if you need to and give yourself time to think about your choices. Believe you deserve good friends and relationships and trust that you can know how that feels.

I think @ShowOfHands’ advice is very good.

I would add that i would assume that three obvious pitfalls for a relationship would be 1) seeking approval and validation constantly, often subconsciously from cold people who mirror your parent’s treatment of you, or 2) trying to protect yourself in a variety of ways - staying single, lashing out in anger, OCD or eat disorders etc, or 3) repeating the behaviour you learned from your abusive parent.

BUT (and it’s a big but) you are aware. You are aware it was abusive, you can take steps not to emulate it, not to let such a very wrong view of who you were shape who you are, and you can realise that whatever you are looking for in a relationship, it is never going to be a time machine to fix the past. Remember those things and then look forward to a relationship based on mutual love and respect. They do exist, in fact they are everywhere and you deserve it as much as anyone.

You’re so dramatic and over the top

I've probably said this to my ds 12 when he has rolled his eyes and huffed and puffed at me when I've asked him to get dressed, do his homework, put his laundry in the washing basket and other apparently unreasonable requests.

Only the dramatic comment. Most kids have had an OTT drama moment.

I do say some of these to my dc but only in jest. I always make sure I tell them I'm proud of them and tell them I love them. Those are the two phrases ide still love to hear from my own dm.

If you haven't already, have a read of the "Stately Homes" threads on here. There's also r/raisedbynarcissists r/cPTSD and r/NarcissisticAbuse on Reddit. I think reading about other people's experiences in relationships can help you avoid making the same mistakes. If you can be a bit clingy (as a result of being left alone), you might find the YouTube channel "Recovery Mum" helpful. It's focused on BPD but there's a lot of helpful advice even if you don't have that diagnosis.

Learn to trust your gut if something doesn't feel right. Sometimes the primitive "reptile" part of our brain can be telling us something is wrong but it's not obvious why. When you have been brought up with bad parenting, you might have developed a bad habit of pushing past these feelings. There's lots of great advice given here on Mumsnet so don't be afraid to make threads about anything you are unsure of, no matter how small.

Building up your confidence to be able to recognise when you are treated badly and being able to leave will help a lot too. I think having a happy single life before trying to find a relationship is important.

Because of the things I was told as a child, I now know what not to say to mine.

Because of the actions an immediate family member purposely chose to do to me, I now know not to even think about putting onto mine.

It’s the only way I can look at it.