Adult Only Children- What Parenting Advice Would You Give?

[Turin]

Morning, I can be a bit of a helicopter mum.

What advice would you give me raising my 12 year old on my own?

How did being an Only as a child affect you as an adult

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Watching as I have an only and want to get it right

I'm an only. Is your DS very social? I wasn't as a child so I was quite happy in my own company.

I can honestly say being an only has never bothered me. Just make sure you don't put too much pressure on him as a parent. I'm conscious that when my mum gets old all the responsibility will be on me so make sure you prepare for that as well as you can.

Also don't smother him!

Our only DS is now 12. From reading other posts about this I think the key in their teens is to back off! No pressure to hang out with us, he's free to do his own thing. We've actually just got a dog. She's taking up a lot of my time. Its given me something to focus on and worry about other than DS!

Social but lockdown has killed that off. He’s asked to go biking and running on his own and the thought of it petrified me but I’ve let him run around a local feel without me. I really don’t want to smother him.

Pick your battles.
Mine gets a bit embaresssd talking to me about some things, I told him he can use whatever way he wants to talk. I mean what boy really wants to talk to his mum about puberty!!

He does have other siblings but they’ve all moved out as there’s several years age gap. This year has been incredibly hard, like for many out there. Only reason he enjoys going to school at the moment is because of the minimal socialising.

I was raised as an only child. I loved it as I’m not a people person. I was raised super strict as some bat shit way of not being the typical spoilt brat (their words not mine)

What petrifies you about him going out?
It can help to talk these through and have a good laugh in some point in the future. Although of course it’s good to be anxious, they are our babies.

I am an only. Feel like I turned out ok(!)
I'm not sure there's any specific advice for parenting an only that doesn't apply to children generally. The only thing I found was from about age 12 onwards family holidays were pretty miserable - in hindsight my parents were going through a rough patch so that could be a big element - and the best holiday I had in the teenage years was when my friend came along, whose parents couldn't really afford a holiday so she came with us. That in itself can create an odd dynamic as I remember feeling quite jealous then when she was getting on well with my parents. Bigger holidays with other families with similar aged children etc would be ideal I think.

At that age I would also take off with my bike for the day across fields etc just on my own. My dad I think was a big influence on my mum in letting me do that, I think I'd have felt pretty disempowered if they hadn't. I'm not sure that's specific to an only but recognising that they will want time away from you and enabling that is important.

For you I think the most important thing is to consider what your interests and activities are outside your child. You will naturally give them more space to be independent of you if you have work, hobbies etc. My mum was a SAHM and went back to work when I went to secondary, and sometimes I'd come home to an empty house (pre-planned) which made me feel really grown up & trusted.

I think there can be a big misconception with people from larger families that "an only is lonely" and parenting style needs to be different to compensate etc. I really disagree. Being an only was all I knew. You can't miss what you don't have, and I certainly had friends at school with terrible relationships with siblings who were quite jealous of me. If you make it a thing, it will become a thing. If you crack on and don't mention it, your DC will not question it. I had plenty of friends and never really noticed I was an only child until people asked, and even then it was only a point of interest (and I got the most interesting phrase to say in French class in response to the sibling question!)

So the fact that you're aware is good but I'd also say, try to think of it more as a question on "how do I avoid being a helicopter mum" rather than focusing on the fact that you only have one and do they need something special etc.

What Cavagirl said about holidays. Went with a friend for the first time when about 13 and had much more of a fun and independent time in the sea and so on than otherwise. Even a night away or a weekend would be good. I also never went to stay on my own with relatives unless just for a night, so this might have been something I'd enjoyed.

I used to go every Wednesday evening after school to the same friend's and the regularity of that was also something reassuring and relaxing.

If possible, try and find some social things that mean you are not by any means always socialising with people from school and therefore can widen friend groups. For me this was music centre activities.

How did it affect me as an adult? Right now I feel I have almost no friends but a close family (DH and only DD). Moved before DD was 1 and I was in my 30s, and did some baby activities then but still am a bit sad that all the people I know are from the same places (school and DH former workplace, which is also less contact now). Bit stuck because of the school routine. But am feeling the strain in terms of my parents, who live a long way away and who are definitely not as capable as they were 10 years ago. There is nobody else who I can share troubleshooting/needs with (I would say care but that's on the horizon rather than here right now). I would like them to move but they are very unlikely to - been in their house and not really modernized in 35 years. Would go only kicking and screaming to sheltered accommodation, and their mental health has been variable through lockdown and various unavoidable problems. Having them to stay can be nice, they especially enjoy it, but due to the distance this would be for at least a week at a time, and it was helpful when DD was a baby but I find it much more difficult now. Their house is not big enough to take us all so if we manage to do the journey, it is usually for weekends and staying in a hotel which feels like short changing. Both DH and I have said we should try to avoid similar dynamics with DD when we are well into retirement, though how exactly, I don't know.

If possible, try and find some social things that mean you are not by any means always socialising with people from school and therefore can widen friend groups. For me this was music centre activities

Also really agree with this - not sure if it's more applicable to only children than children generally - I did sports always outside school, which meant I had other friends and particularly when I went through a very rough time at school in my early teenage years this was invaluable.

I’m an only child. It never really bothered me and I never thought about it in much depth!

Looking back I had a nice childhood, although I feel like my mum put a lot of pressure on me to perform well academically - although that may have been the same if I’d had siblings.

Agree with PP about inviting a friend along for holidays. We had a couple of holidays where I was allowed to invite a friend and it really did improve family holidays for me!

Overall though I was pretty happy in my own company. But I do think it’s important to allow some level of independence - it was really important for me to be able to go out with friends, or visit friends’ houses/them come to ours.