Secondary teachers - advice?

[Myalilysally]

Morning.

I’m hoping to get some advice about my DS14. He’s always been the one who is bullied or pushed aside.

We changed primary schools because it got so bad and thankfully his new school was fab. They have all moved up to the local secondary school, although separated into different forms.

Now again he’s experiencing low level bullying and being ostracised.

Nothing physical.

Just one word answers, saying to his face they don’t like him and to go away. Getting up and moving tables at lunch if he sits with them.
But he now has to sit with them because of COVID bubbles so now he sits with the table ignoring him.

He doesn’t want to go to school either now.

What can I do? Any advice?

It always seems to be him. I’m so upset for him.

Any practical advice please.

Thanks.

@MyalilysallyI am not a teacher but a parent. Have you contacted school at all about any of the issues? Being ignore is a form of bullying. Does the school have a bullying policy, usually on their website stating what you do to report it and to whom and what they will do as a school.

This is totally unacceptable and your poor son deserves better.

Have you spoken to the school yet? Head of year/ head of house should be the first port of call. I would hope they would manage to get this sorted.

Your poor ds, it's a horrible and lonely thing to go through.

Thanks onthebenchofdoom

I’m honestly exhausted with the whole subject. I’m so fed up for him.
I know I’m biased but he’s utterly lovely. Kind, compassionate and clever.
I don’t get it tbh.

I’m speaking to them today after DS has resisted my idea of calling the school. I’m hoping they can help.

I was wondering if there was anything practical we as a family could do.

I agree with him though. What can they do??

If they say they don’t like him. You can’t make people like you - can you?

I’m speaking to them today after DS has resisted my idea of calling the school. I’m hoping they can help.

Absolutely contact the school. There is always a fear from a child that this could escalate but if that happens then school would deal with it. We experienced low level bullying, school stamped it out immediately. Someone needs to tell these children that their behaviour is unacceptable.

f they say they don’t like him. You can’t make people like you - can you?

No but they can change his bubble and remind kids to stop being arseholes. Just because you don't like someone it does not give you the right to treat them like shit and make it known.

Contact head of year or pastoral today, whoever deals with it.

Thanks doom

You’ve made me well up. I’m so sad for him that’s he’s dealing with this again. And I’m just defeated tbh. But I will call this morning and get a ball rolling. Something. Anything.

Your poor son - low level bullying is just as bad as physical and verbal bullying. Your son has probably lost his confidence which is why he doesn't want you to call them but these nasty children need to be called out on their behaviour. Please do phone the
school and don't hold back. He needs to know you have got his back - this could affect him in the long term.

My heart is breaking for your son.

I am not currently teaching, but I was a teacher for 15 years. Often, the children who seem to be ostracized are the most interesting, quirky and kind characters.

Firstly, as a teacher I always tried to spend time with these kids. I remember always telling them how fab university would be (if that's the route they were heading towards), and how they'd have the best time with like-minded friends.

I have no tolerance for bullying and wouldn't stand for nasty comments or physical threats. The trouble with your situation, is that you can't force these kids to be his friends. From the sounds of it, you wouldn't want to either.
Could he move bubbles?
Is he involved with out of school activities ( in usual times), where he can make friends with similar interests?
Could the school arrange for some nicer older kids to spend a bit of time with him/have lunch with him?

Again, I am so sorry to read about this. I would be so upset if that was my son, just as you are. I always used to say to parents that I understood I was taking care of their baby. That applies no matter how old they are! I really hope things improve and that your son goes on to leave these kids in the dust!

Oh and absolutely contact the school!

Thank you Loverbird.

There’s no prospect of moving bubbles unfortunately which adds to the problems. He’s stuck with them.

I am just about to ring and leave a message for the school to call me back. Apparently they do counselling/chatting service which I’m going to ask for him to be referred to and I will also ask about a mentor. Or if he could be a mentor. I think he would get a lot out of it.

Thanks again.

Liverbird sorry autocorrect

@Myalilysally School have a safeguarding duty to make your child's educational setting a safe and happy one. The focus on mental health these days is huge.

Does he have any friends? I would be pushing for school to sort out the lunchtime issue especially. Mentoring sounds like a great idea and the counselling too. He does need to know it isn't him, idiot shit heads are everywhere, in schools, in workplaces, and genuinely must have something wrong with them to try to make other people feel ostracised and not part of "a gang" of people. Happy people don't tend to make other people unhappy.

If you can find something you two can share, I don't know if you have any other children, so watching a TV show together, Brooklyn 99 is a big hit in this house (my sons are 17 and 14) something to laugh at or be awed by and talk about may help him too. Also Modern Family or Outnumbered, we also watched Manhunt, Unibomber. Gripping. Gives him something to look forward to on a day to day basis.

Thanks again Doom. I’ve rang and left a message. I have a page of notes to bring up. I’ve dropped him off even though I didn’t want to. I’m going to start with the mental impact and ask if he can move forms maybe if changing bubbles isn’t a viable option.

I will update when they’ve rang me back.

Thanks so much for your help.

@MyalilysallySounds like a good plan.

Definitely make notes on what is said in the phone conversation. When it is over summarise it in an email to send into school so there is a paper trail of what was discussed. Keep detailed notes of incidents that occur with your son. That way you have a record of if what school are doing works or not.

There are apps that you can put on your phone that automatically record all phone calls. It is only illegal to do this without telling them you are recording them if you are going to play it for a 3rd party without the consent of the other person. It means you can listen back and make notes (been there, done that)

I volunteer in a primary school so know a lot about policies etc and had some dealings with secondary over bullying. Ds2 is how shall I say, quirky, but has other equally quirky friends. They have been physically attacked for no reason etc. It has been difficult but I think now they are in year 10 we are through the worst of it.

The phrase I used for my sons was nicked from the author John Green but he said about school, "the only way out, is through" meaning they have to do this, but he knows you have his back which is the most important thing. He has a soft place to land.

Positive update.

School have rang me back. Twice.

DS14 head of house rang me back to assure me they are taking this situation seriously.

They are emailing all of DS teachers to ask them to keep an eye on him and use positive reinforcement to bolster him hopefully. Whilst also monitoring him to give feedback to his head of house.

They are going to monitor the situation until Friday and then call me back with an update and to make a plan of action that we are all comfortable with.

They are arranging some counselling time for him and looking into a mentor for him also. With his head of house volunteering for the role as well! It was so nice to hear how they value DS and want to help.

Thanks everyone who commented. And in particular onthebenchofdoom

@Myalilysally what a fantastic update! Sounds like a great approach by school, I especially like the fact they have said they will contact you again to work something out.

It probably means they will be putting their heads together to come up with a plan. Your son needs to know that having staff supporting him is a very positive thing. They recognise how incredible he is and want him to know that. He now has somewhere to turn to report behaviour and hopefully won't feel so alone.

@myalilsally just wanted to say this was my DS too, it got so disheartening and we felt like it would never end. Sometimes it is because they are individuals that don't fit in like others but it does change as they get older. When they got to 15/16 everyone suddenly decided they wanted to be different from everyone rather than all fitting in and they all realised that DS has always been like that. He has now started 6th Form and my main problem is getting him to do the school work in between socialising! There is light at the end of the tunnel but it does seem like a really long and slow tunnel at times! Hang on in there, you are absolutely doing your best for your DS and that is all you can do.

Great news from the school!
I hope he gets this resolved.

Thank you all.

I do feel some relief in just letting the school know. And they have been absolutely brilliant this morning.

I’m just hoping he’s been ok today and will be for the rest of the week.

Now the school are monitoring him I hope it will settle down and roll on Monday for a formal action plan.

Thanks again everyone you’ve all restored my faith today. Honestly.

Fantastic OP. Been thinking about him all day.

Thank you Fishfingersandwichplease

It’s so kind you’ve thought about him. He had quite a good day actually and received an award for his writing in English. A short story so was happy. Let’s hope today goes well too

I'm so glad you contacted the school and they are being proactive.

DD suffered from this, we weren't aware how much until it has come out in dribs and drabs over lockdown. It has had such a negative impact on her self confidence / self esteem.