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Original poster

What age to stop presents?

52 replies

LionessRoar · 10/11/2020 15:33

Growing up none of our family had a lot of money and there was mutual agreement with all my aunts/ uncles that we received no presents after age of 16. Same rule for all my cousins too. Everyone perfectly happy with this.
Now as an adult, I am married and have no kids. Every year we spend hundreds on presents for the children in DHs family. We don’t see most of them at all, or maybe a few times a year for the rest. We do not expect/ need gifts in return but we don’t get anything bought for us, except maybe a £5 gift or some treats for the dog. Gifts are for children only, which is fine but I’m just trying to give a whole picture.
The oldest child is now 16 so I am wondering what people do? Do you have an age cut off, or do you buy gifts indefinitely, even for those you rarely see/ have little relationship with? We are now comfortably off so it isn’t about the money as such but just working out what most people do.
If you have a cut off age, how do you have this conversation with the parents? Do you find people are understanding or did you have problems. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
M0mmyneedswine · 10/11/2020 17:25

We stop at 18 and dont buy for adult siblings with dc, adults who give my dc a gift get something for them

CrazyHorse · 10/11/2020 17:30

My DM invented a rule last year saying she would only be giving to those still I full time education (including university) .

grapewine · 10/11/2020 17:32

I still get from parents and siblings and one set of grandparents. So I buy for parents siblings and grandparents. But aunts etc stopped at 18. If any of us had children, we'd buy for them instead.

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copperoliver · 10/11/2020 22:12

We continue until they have children and then buy for the children only.
My sisters in laws do a secret Santa and divide the names out equally between each adult couple then they only have to buy for the names they've picked out. X

user1487194234 · 10/11/2020 22:31

I have continued to buy for my nieces and nephew who are in their 20s but that's because I want to
If I had said I was stopping at 21 there would have been no issue
I wouldn't have stopped before 21
Has small savings schemes which paid out 5k for their 21st
We all get together on Christmas Day (hopefully this year )and would feel mean not giving presents to them all

DrMadelineMaxwell · 10/11/2020 22:41

On dh's side, they stop at 18. But only because BIL and SIL stopped buying for us once they had kids and decided only kids got gifts, then stopped getting for kids when our eldest was 18. We'd been buying for their (older) kids for several years at that point, but at least it was then clear we didn't need to bother any more. MIL hasn't stopped giving gifts to them after 18 but has stopped smaller things like Easter eggs.

On my side, it'll probably become more token gifts once they are older, but we buy for everyone on our side, but so far everyone is still happy to buy for our 20yo as well as the younger one, so we'll do the same.

ColdNovemberNights · 10/11/2020 22:43

No cut off here.

But everyone buys for everyone, regardless

ColdNovemberNights · 10/11/2020 22:48

I buy for 4 siblings and 4 partners....

All Their children.... ATM .... Only 5...
Two of which are over 21, nieces partner
Nieces and nephews get alot more spent on them up till they are 18, prob about £200 each

Then other family members, Aunt, Uncles, Nans etc
1 friend and her 2 children

I buy on average 50-60 Christmas presents

Floralnomad · 10/11/2020 22:51

We are quite a small family and I have the only children , my sisters still buy for my children , who are now adult but equally my children buy for my sisters / BIL . I think once children get to 18 if they are not going to reciprocate with a gift of some kind then it’s reasonable to stop buying for them . Fortunately both of my dc prefer the buying gifts for others part of Christmas than the receiving part so it’s not an issue here .

NullcovoidNovember · 10/11/2020 22:55

Op dh and I have had very lean budgets in years gone by and we use our ££ for our dc.
Now.. No one has spent loads to spoil us 😂 and we don't mind at all... My df would make efforts, but he had lots going agaisnt him, mobility, no tech use... Money! But we loved what he gave and he would always do a wonderful treat food shop and maybe cook... A gift maybe two left foot shoes...
😂😂.

Our in laws would give a nice enough gift but it always depended on the relationship at the time... Well off, put excruciating effort into budgets and bargains... No mobile issues, money issues or tech issues.. All at6 their finger tips...

The way they did things drained the joy for me... Many years dh and I would buy token gifts for everyone else and nothing for each other.

Just giving you another side op.. Re people not giving you expensive gifts back and you think it's rude..

I just wouldn't give in these circs.. We came from such a different place when I was growing up...

I've never experienced this tit for tat giving or the way in laws do Xmas...

I've had so much more warmth and fun and Xmas spirit with my dm or df in rich circs or poor! It's good conversation.. Fun bubbly people... Good lighting... Good music... And if there are gifts.. Great!!
I was very grateful to get anything.. And enjoyed myself so much more than sitting in a quiet, formal room, with a gift given. Profuse thanks to Mil the martyr for giving out gifts.

Sorry op I've indulged myself there Grin

Personally, I don't think anyone Can go wrong with 20 in a card? No matter what age?

NullcovoidNovember · 10/11/2020 22:57

And if I did have family or nieces I was actually fond of etc... And they couldn't afford to give us.I'd enjoy more giving in those circs...

movingonup20 · 10/11/2020 23:03

I buy for my brothers, not a big family though.

BungleandGeorge · 10/11/2020 23:06

I think a lot of people stop way before 16 to be honest. And people tend to stop all the kids in the family at once so the youngest misses out! It’s very kind of you and they still do appreciate it as teenagers but You’re spending a lot of money, a box of chocs or sweets would be fine

GooseberryTart · 10/11/2020 23:09

In our family and DH’s if some adults don’t have children we buy for them otherwise its just the kids.
My niece turned 18 this year so was thinking of stopping this year. She’s a bit grabby, we don’t see much of her and if we see her at my mums she behaves as though she is the most important person in the room and always has done. Talking over me and my two and she has never been that pleasant to them. She has wanted money from about the age of 10 and sends a very short thank you text.

EatTheHamTina · 10/11/2020 23:23

My Nan stopped at 16 but that was only with us because she is a spiteful old crow woman. Carried on with all the other GC's!

I won't stop with my nephews and niece though.

GlassLake · 10/11/2020 23:30

@DontKnowHowToReact

18 and then a larger b'day present at 21. Then cards only. DH's family only give presents if they actually see the person on their birthday/Christmas. If we don't see them, they don't get anything!
I agree with this!
StillMedusa · 11/11/2020 01:07

There's an age limit?! I wish someone had told me Grin. I'm still doing stockings for my lot AND their partners... aged 23-28 !

However due to there being quite a lot of us now, we have a system.. each person is allocated two people only to buy for (we also buy for our own partners) with a £50 limit to each pressie. DD2 arranges the list each year, and it works well.

The stockings cost me a fortune somehow but I enjoy doing them..usually socks, perfume, dvd , books and sweets and daft odds and sods.. x 7! DD2 is expecting her first baby and I always said that that was the cut off point for stockings, but we will see if I cave next year!

mathanxiety · 11/11/2020 01:26

My DCs have lots of cousins.

We all used to buy gifts for everyone including ILs. It got to be too much.

We started a Secret Santa draw. Each child picked the name of one cousin. Adults stopped exchanging gifts.

It worked well until exMIL decided unilaterally to end it when the youngest cousins were still mid teens. They would have loved to continue, especially as they all knew each other as young adults by that time, and all had a little spending money of their own to buy a gift for the cousin they drew.

I recommend you suggest a Secret Santa for everyone, including the nieces and nephews. Spending hundreds on Christmas gifts is ridicous.

Frownette · 11/11/2020 01:30

I only buy gifts now when it's appropriate, otherwise a card will do.

For example this Xmas I'm getting gifts for cousin who lost her dad to COVID, friend who did something special for me, other friend who did a favour and another who had a loss.

Aside from that it's just closest family.

As you're talking about children I'd send a card with a note inside unless there is anything in particular they want, but don't spend too much.

wendywoopywoo222 · 11/11/2020 02:11

I have no children but always bought for neices, nephews and freinds children. I stopped buying when they stopped saying thankyou. Now they are all adults and I still exchange presents with a few of them.

Frownette · 11/11/2020 02:31

Oh OP, based on this thread I was prompted to buy remaining presents and shift back a bill by a week. At least it's all done now :)

Xmas here we come...

Original poster
LionessRoar · 11/11/2020 06:40

Hi everyone, thanks for all the replies. I am sorry that a couple of people read my updates and seemed to think I was expecting expensive gifts back. If you read what I wrote I was agreeing with another poster that it seemed rude not to get a ‘token gift’ in return. I don’t see a token gift as something expensive, just good manners as another couple of posters have said.
I was just mentioning this so I gave all the information here.
I did say that we don’t really care about presents as such, but I personally would never choose to receive gifts from others and not return the favour. It is actually the lack of thanks that bugs me tbh and the fact that we haven’t seen some of them for years but still have to buy gifts. I don’t think some of the younger kids would even recognise us now and we don’t speak to some of the parents at all (not fallen out, just not close at all).
We are comfortably off and the fall out of reducing the gifts to cheaper alternatives or not giving anything would go down like a lead balloon and just isn’t worth the fallout tbh as DHs whole family would get involved.

OP posts:
julesover40 · 11/11/2020 06:57

@Anoisagusaris

Two siblings in our family don’t have kids. We don’t do sibling presents but always buy for the 2 without kids from our kids.
This is what we do also. We di a £10 secret Santa among the adults in my family, but for the few that dont have children we always buy decent gifts for them from the children
TwylaSands · 11/11/2020 06:59

My mum stopped at 16. I stop after they turn 18.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 11/11/2020 07:19

We move from a physical gift to money around 15. Teens love access to their own cash. It takes the hassle out of present choosing. But from your post it sounds as though it the amount of money you feel concerns about.