Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

If you’ve been married for ages, do you still make an effort?

22 replies

Thedogshow · 09/11/2020 18:36

Me & DH in early 40s. Have been married since we were 23, and I have always made an effort with the relationship. Tried to do things together, have dinner out whenever we are able to, kept fit and made an effort with my appearance primarily for myself but also because I want to be attractive to him.
But I feel like I just can’t be bothered now. I don’t really know why. I have got lazy about chatting, just looking at my phone all evening, often am around the house in old clothes and no makeup. I used to work in an exciting job before I had the kids but now work in quite a boring admin job (WFH).
Most of my energy goes on the children, the house, cooking, laundry... he’s sort of last on the list. He’s great with the kids, kind, does lots of help around the house although generally I ‘run’ it I suppose.
Had a significant and long term trauma a couple of years ago and now take antidepressants which I think are partly responsible. They make me calmer and worry less but also kind of make me apathetic about everything.
Can I do anything about this? I don’t want it to get worse because I just feel like we are drifting apart a bit and it’s mostly because I just can’t be bothered to make any effort. I’m knackered. I just want to be left alone after busy days with the kids. He is still nice to me abs tries hard, but I think he feels a bit unhappy.

OP posts:

Terralee · 09/11/2020 18:59

To be honest I think it's important to try to make an effort if he is still making an effort..
If the marriage is important to you then you need to stop the drift now really.
Friends of mine have been married for years with kids but still text each other when they're apart, make an effort with appearances & show affection. It keeps marriage alive.
My parents however didn't pay attention to each other & one of them started looking elsewhere... not saying your husband will do this or is that way inclined at all but just that's what happened with my parents marriage.
It does sound like you may still be mildly depressed too... you could always go back to your gp & discuss the 'apathetic' feeling which can come from low level depression itself. However certain (not all) anti depressants can also affect your libido. It's worth discussing this with your gp too.
As well as making an effort for your husband it's worth making an effort with things just to boost yourself too.

Original poster

Thedogshow · 09/11/2020 19:00

Yes, I completely agree with everything you’ve said actually. I know that it is important to. I just need to motivate myself I think.

OP posts:

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 09/11/2020 19:04

Don't be too hard on yourself. I mean I agree with everything said but it has been a hard year with covid rearing its ugly head.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships

Lazysundayafternoons · 09/11/2020 19:06

I'm in the same boat as you.

Weve been together for 13 years and I always made an effort, but I had PND last year, went on antidepressants also which made me feel good but I put on weight.

Was back to the office and had to make an effort every day but since WFH I've really let things slip. I work, look after the house and the kids and forgot about looking after myself or making an effort.

Antidepressants also made me calm to the point that I show no feeling over a lot of things, so i come across as I dont care about dp or things when I do.

I rather have time to myself in the evenings too 🤷‍♀️

I'm going to have to change and start making more of an effort again but it is hard to start.

I guess I have no advice but just wanted to share that you're not alone in this and if anyone has good advice here I'll be following too.

Terralee · 09/11/2020 19:07

It's the getting motivated bit that can be difficult I find!
Start small, just lay out a clean simple outfit that looks nice & wear that tomorrow eg jeans & a smart top.
Maybe a necklace & just basic make up.

Original poster

Thedogshow · 09/11/2020 19:16

Thank you- you’ve all been kind! It has been a funny year and does make it difficult to book in things to look forward to I guess. I will start again tomorrow and try & put my phone away and not just sit there on mumsnet 😬

OP posts:

LizzieMacQueen · 09/11/2020 19:27

Are you talking about sex?

StoneColdBitch · 09/11/2020 19:28

I think it's worth finding out how he feels and what he wants.

My DH likes me in simple, casual clothes and no/minimal makeup. Your husband might not mind the way you look.

Do you still have a good sex life? In my experience, men often start looking outside the marriage if the marriage becomes sexless.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 09/11/2020 19:31

Has the trauma had an effect on how you feel about things in general. Not participating in life outside of the children and house makes it sound like you are neglecting yourself and then that has a knock on effect on your dh. I guess I mean who are you and what are your hobbies? What makes you you ?

Dowser · 09/11/2020 19:39

Been with this husband 12 years now.
I always make an effort with appearance, nice dress , hair done, bit of make up.
It helps me to feel better unless I have a poorly day..like really poorly when I have to lie down, can’t get out of bed sort of day.

Try to put a bit of time aside when kids are in bed just to talk to one another.
That’s so important.

Ragwort · 09/11/2020 19:45

Depends what you mean by 'making an effort' ... we've been married over 30 years, we are always kind and respectful to each other, but neither of us would get 'dressed up' for each other, but neither do we leave our pyjamas on all day - I guess there is a happy medium.

But equally I am not going to sit and chat with him all evening ... particularly at the moment when I am furloughed & he is working from home and there is so little to talk about ... we are happily in separate rooms watching our own choice of tv . We played board games/cards the last three evenings, but sometimes it is nice to do things separately.

lazylinguist · 09/11/2020 19:57

I'm fairly low-maintenance and always have been. Dh and I dress smart or smart casual for work, as appropriate. Tbh, any effort I make wrt fitness, appearance etc is very much for me, not for dh. We've been married nearly 20 years and we love each other how we are!

Tbh I wouldn't say that interacting, chatting and spending time together are things I find require effort either. We don't go out much, but we enjoy each other's company. We seem to strike an easy balance between time spent doing our own thing and time spent together.

dementedma · 09/11/2020 20:01

33 years married. Nothing really worth making an effort for by now

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/11/2020 20:02

Making an effort can just be snuggling on sofa and watching Netflix shows togethervwhen kids are in bed.

It doesn’t take much.

Themadcatparade · 09/11/2020 20:16

You definitely can start making an effort and it might be something as simple as just being more attentive, asking him about his day, listening to him, buying his little gifts or even hiding a little note here and there for him to find. It doesn’t have to be huge! And I’m sure he will notice!

The great thing about this is that you have noticed this change in yourself towards him and are willing to do something about it. A lot ignore it when it comes along and that’s where the issue lies.

Good luck OP, he’s lucky to have you

H1978 · 09/11/2020 20:16

Married 21 years. I feel like we make more effort now then when dcs were small because they took up a lot of time and energy. Now they are all at school we love having lunch together just the two of us and it’s a chance to discuss adult things. Eldest dc is 19yrs so usually up late in the evenings, so no alone time then.

Ragwort · 10/11/2020 07:06

Plan the thought of 'snuggling on the sofa' with my DH makes me laugh, I don't think we've 'snuggled' since our dating days over 30 years ago . But we do like going on a long walk together and he is planning a nice meal for our anniversary this week - so I guess that counts as 'making an effort'.

corythatwas · 10/11/2020 08:05

Efforts can take all sorts of different shapes. The only time I have ever worn makeup was at my wedding. Most of my clothes are old. But I do make an effort to meet him halfway after a disagreement, to laugh with him at things going wrong, to bite my tongue when I'm in a bad mood and he is the only person I could take it out on.

Pyewhacket · 10/11/2020 08:51

I've been married 20 years but to be honest I've never had to work at it too hard. The kids are all in their late mid teens and we have a cleaner but I do have a job that pretty much takes all of my attention at the moment and I really don't have the bandwidth to worry about anything else. Whether my man is exceptional I don't know but he's always been there for me and his energy and enthusiasm is infectous. As for staying in shape. I've always made a big effort there, for me as much as anything else. And in the bedroom too. I'm never too tired for a good seeing to. Marriage is about commitment and I still remember the vows I made in church and they matter. Perhaps that's very old fashioned but I meant what I said that day.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/11/2020 09:00

I don't think covid has helped with this - a lot of people are in the same boat. There is less to talk about as we are all doing less .... I have slipped into a leggings/scraped back hair mode since working from home constantly. Not the best look but DH doesn't seem to mind, he wouldn't dream of saying anything. I think in some ways he's pleased that I'm here more and everything at home is taken care of as his work hours have always been long, and still are. We've been together over 30 years .... DCs late teens.

I'm going to try to put something decent on today .... hell I might even spray a bit of perfume on. DH buys me a lovely bottle every Christmas (Jo Malone), and by this time of year it's usually almost gone .... still loads left!

IdblowJonSnow · 10/11/2020 09:15

Agree that covid is a huge spanner in the works.
My DH is lovely but very in his own head and often grumpy atm. When he can't be arsed I feel like I can't be either although in the past it's been me suggesting the occasional night away or dinner out etc. All that has gone (obviously) this year.
Your DH sounds nice, could you have a chat about it? I think the effort around communicating is more important than anything else.

DragonflyInn · 10/11/2020 09:26

I sometimes think there’s an element of ‘fake it til you make it’. Even if you don’t feel like it, make the time for a nice meal together or some quality time on a walk or whatever. Even if just once or twice a week. You’ll probably find you enjoy it and it brings you closer together, and actually becomes something you want to do.

Flip