I am so totally stuck on whether to have another baby or not.

[SenoritaEspanola]

The situation is this:

I have two daughters, 18 and 13. I had them when I was comparatively young (19 and 25). I was married at the time and I definitely didn't want any more children. Then we divorced and two years later I met my partner who I am completely in love with, but he doesn't have any children. Before I met him I had decided that having their own children was a must because I didn't want any more.

So here we are, five years down the line and I'm constantly thinking do I have another? I ricochet between yes and no.

Reasons for:

• I don't feel ready to stop being a mother with younger children. My 13yr DD is on the cusp of becoming a young lady and I really miss those years of them being younger.

• My DP has no children. We've had the conversation again and again and he maintains that he knew it wasn't option when we got together and that's that. He does sometimes hint that he would like a child but it's definitely not something that he's pining for. He's the only son in his family so if he doesn't have any children the family name will die out (a silly thing, I know, but it bothers me. Like if we don't have children we'll be letting his family down).

• I didn't enjoy my children properly when they were babies/toddlers. I preferred them as they got older. A huge part of the reason why I didn't enjoy them was because I was mentally unwell at the time, though I didn't know that. After my separation from my husband I became really, really ill and got a diagnosis of BPD, I have been on medication for 5 years now and I am pretty much stable. I know that with another I would relish that time far more.

• I'm 39 years old so this is very much last chance saloon.

Reasons against:

• My life is stable and comfortable right now. My stress is at a minimum, I have a hugely supportive partner, I'm finally well enough to be carving out a proper career for myself but I don't NEED to work. I do though - and very hard and count myself as equally contributing to the household as much as I can (DP is a surgeon and earns waaaay more than me).

• I don't know if we could afford another child. I would want them to have the same upbringing that my DDs have had - private education, plenty of holidays abroad, enough spare money to indulge them occasionally with a new phone or laptop, etc.

• I know that I couldn't look after a baby by myself. I'm on strong medication which is fine managed day to day, but if I ever skip a dose things tend to spiral and I become completely manic. The night time meds also knock me out. Night wakings and limited sleep and looking after a baby is something which I just could not do by myself and DP works long shifts so practically speaking wouldn't be in a position to help. So I would need a Nanny - more expense and probably a bigger house.

• I don't think that DP and I would parent well together. We argue about how to train the dog! But that said, I so want to give him a chance to become a parent. If I don't then I'll feel guilty for a long time, but he is totally reassuring that I don't need to feel like that.

• DP has hobbies which are extremely important to him in terms of winding down after work and managing stress levels (especially at the moment) and these are very time consuming. I hate it when the OP doesn't say what the hobbies are so although it's very outing, his hobbies are photography with antique cameras which means a lot of fiddling around restoring them, taking them out and about to take photos which requires time and effort to set up properly, etc. He also develops all the film himself. He loves surfing and paddle boarding, etc. so (pre-lockdown!) we often have long weekends in Devon/Cornwall, which would be far harder in terms of logistics with a baby.

Sorry it's so long, I was trying not to drip feed. Any advice/experience would be very welcome!

TLDR: Partner has no children and I do and I'm stuck on whether to seriously consider having another child but there are multiple conflicting factors.

It does really sound as though you have a calm and ordered life where both you and your OH are able to pursue your careers and your interests; and that your OH is not very bothered about having biological children.

There is never a good time to have a baby - and if you have your own health problems, I would be tempted not to rock the boat. It is easy to forget quite how punishing the first few years of parenthood can be! And a financial hit might put you under more stress which you do not need with your health problems.

So - as a complete outsider (and what do I know?) I think you should let things lie and enjoy your family as it currently stands.

I think decisions on number of children are completely subjective - some people want no children, some are happy with 1, some 2 , some 12! It is all about how you feel - how would you feel at 50 when the decision has been taken away? Happy and content or a nagging feeling that if you could go back that you would make different decisions.

As I was first reading your post I was going to say go for it. But by the end, I was thinking maybe not.

You have your health problems, and your health can be undone by as little as missing one dose of medication. Neither you or your dp can do night wakings.

Sounds like you all have things going pretty well at the moment, with hobbies, work, parenting, maybe better to leave it as it is.

Reading your comments (very clearly and well thought out) I can't think of a single reason why you would even consider having another child.

You specifically say 'I know that I couldn't look after a baby myself'.

I absolutely admire your honestly and thoughtfulness, I think more people should give very serious consideration to having a child ... too many people seem to have children 'because it's the done thing to do'. It took me over ten years of marriage, and many serious discussions, before deciding to have one child, I would never have wanted more than one and I never regret that decision.

Enjoy your lovely life.

If you have doubts the answer is no I think. Look forward to the possibility in ten years or so you may have the joy of being a grandmother.

Don’t do it! Enjoy your partner, older kids and your life in general!

It also may not have been your situation that stopped you enjoying your babies/ toddlers as they are just hard work in general! How do you know you would this time around?

Personally in your situation I couldn’t think of anything worse!

Don’t do it!

Absolutely no way.

The one line that stood out to me:

I know that I couldn't look after a baby by myself

You can't actually care for the baby for yourself, and your medication is keeping you afloat. There is no way on Gods earth I would run the risk of spiralling. I would no way bring a baby into the world in the conditions you describe - no way.

DP has hobbies which are extremely important to him

You will be left holding the baby in this scenario, and you have already said you won't cope. So what will happen?

You risk losing everything for a baby that your dp seems largely indifferent to, you put your dc in a precarious position. You are older so physically this is going to be very tough for decades not for a few months. You are just getting to the point of being in a very good place, it would be madness to risk everything in light of what you have said.

Don't do it op. Babies are exhausting, expensive and hard work. It won't be any better the next time around, it may even be much harder if the baby has disabilities etc. At your age I wanted more dc, by time I hit 41 the feeling totally disappeared. It is hormones thats all.

Enjoy your settled, happy life.

That's some small pros and some massive cons. How are you going to stay on those strong meds during a pregnancy? If you take meds to sleep you'd need a night nanny as well as a day nanny, which it doesn't sound like you can afford. It doesn't even sound like he wants a baby, and even if he does, he doesn;t have the time for it and you're not on the same page re parenting anyway. .

Think of it this way, if you had a baby and then split up, what would happen? You're not married, he's the bigger earner. What would you do alone, with 2 teens and a baby, no nanny and no money?

You would be, by the sounds of it, incredibly dependent (financially and otherwise) on a man you aren’t married to, who has little spare time, you don’t think you could parent well with and who doesn’t sound all that bothered about having children. Personally I’d stick with the happy situation you already have.

Absolutely don’t no

I was going to say go for it. But reading about your health difficulties I'd say absolutely not when you aren't even sure you want another child. When the child is 10 you'll be 50 which is a lot older than 39.

I know that I couldn't look after a baby by myself. I'm on strong medication which is fine managed day to day, but if I ever skip a dose things tend to spiral and I become completely manic. The night time meds also knock me out. Night wakings and limited sleep and looking after a baby is something which I just could not do by myself and DP works long shifts so practically speaking wouldn't be in a position to help.

I was already going to say "don't do it", but this sealed it. Do not have another child. Aside from the issues you already deal with, the hormonal impact of pregnancy could be devastating for your mental health.

Most of all, your partner isn't interested in having a baby. Actually, given his lifestyle, I don't think he would appreciate having to care for a child at all. You are the one projecting your desire for children onto him.

Most of the reasons for you listed are really flimsy (his family name dying out, seriously?!) And the reasons against are strong and compelling. Your DP doesn't even want this really so don't even try to make this about something you have to give him.

It would be crazy to risk the stability you've managed to attain for another baby, and no good for you, the baby, or your existing DC. As PP say, there would be a real chance you'd end up single and not coping at all.

All of us have regrets of some sort about our childbearing experience. Many, many of us have mixed feelings about the "one more baby" we didn't have. That doesn't mean we should have had it or that the decision not to was wrong. A new baby doesn't give you a do-over, it gives you a whole new set of complications and regrets. Potentially HUGE ones, in your case. Don't do it.

It’s a no from me as well. For all the reasons everyone else said.

Your partner will no doubt leave anyway as he won’t enjoy even the small amount of parenting that most men do.

Would you be able to continue with the medication which has kept you stable for the past 5 years?

From everything you've said, I think having another baby now would be. like throwing a hand grenade into what you say is a stable and comfortable life.

No one else wants another baby, There'd be a big gap between it and your other dcs. They still need your attention, but your focus will be on the newborn. What's in it for them? Financially, they will miss out.

Your dp has a stressful job. He will be unhappy when he inevitably has to cut down on the leisure activities that are necessary for his work-life balance. Your dds will be leaving home in the not so distant future, but, just when you and DP would have been able to enjoy a child-free life, you'll be starting all over again with far less energy than you had first time around. I think your DP will resent this.

With any luck there will be grandchildren, so you will have the pleasure of babies and toddlers in your life again. But this time without the responsibility or the day-to-day drudgery of looking after them 24/7.

If I were you, I wouldn't take the risk. In the cold light of day, it sounds more like a hormonal wobble to me than a reasonable course of action.

It’s hard OP! I’m having the same battle with myself just now. I also had mine young and now kind of want to do it over again now that we are older and in a better position.

Also like you I have mental health issues and didn’t enjoy my children at all as babies or toddlers BUT for me I worry that I would then feel guilty if I did have another baby and did enjoy it and find it much easier. Almost like that’s unfair on my older children and they were the practice run. Silly I know!

It maybe comes down to if you at some point can’t have another how much will you regret not doing it? More than you might regret doing it?

Thank you all for the responses. I'm a bit surprised that it was a resounding no, but also not surprised if you see what I mean?!

Reading through all of your comments I can see things more clearly now and it's confirmed what I know deep down is that another baby is not a realistic prospect for me. It's just a bit hard to accept at the moment.

The reasons against are very strong. I think it might actually ruin your life as your health really needs nurturing. Your girls will still need you too even though they are older. You need to keep a good eye on teenagers and I don’t think you can do that so well with a small baby. Also please bear in mind that having a child a bit later can also increase the chance of having a child with special needs - this could mean you will feel very underesourced in terms of time and money, both seem to be going a bit short already from what you say.