Anyone else sick of Disney dad and the unfair respect and credit they get when they do nothing?!

[Dontbakeinatent]

Hi,

Long story short, DDs dad and I broke up several years ago. Long enough to have both remarried. AmicableISH.

Basically, ex can be an aggressive, self absorbed, immature, dramatic tosser and these are just some of the reasons I broke up with him, but as many of you will relate to, when you have DC together, you are never really completely "broken up" in the sense that unfortunately, you have to keep witnessing their behaviour through your DC.

My DP and I have DD 95% of the time. We do absolutely everything for DD - pay for everything -essentials and non essentials, help with all the homework, listen to/deal with all the teenage angst and heartache etc and will often get little appreciation or respect, whereas ex and wife seem to be put on a pedestal for doing virtually nothing for her.

They have DD once every 2 or 3 weeks and I will sometimes get phone calls asking if they can drop her off early as they have sudden plans or have simply run out of things to do with her. Seriously.

He doesn't really know her. He's never been to a parents evening, doesn't ask even how she's getting on at school. Probably isn't even 100% sure what year she's in. Not an exaggeration , but because he'll let her stay up watching crap/completely unsuitable films, eating rubbish and will send her the odd gushy "I'm so proud of you" probably drunken messages, he gets so much respect and quite honestly, I've had enough.

DD seems to be so much more thoughtful with them. For example, birthday and Christmas cards. She puts so much effort and care into them, with long, loving messages. Whereas with us, it's more a "to" and "from" situation.

It hurts. I feel like DD pulls away from me, because she has this untrue version of her dad and step mum in her head. Deep down I think she knows this and that's sad, but there's only so much gushing I can take, when I know the actual truth.

I know I'm not on my own here. I know many of you will relate, but how do you deal with it? How do you keep your cool and your sanity?

TIA

Just giving this a bump..

She’s probably doing it to get some praise and attention from them. She knows you and DP will be there regardless of what she does or doesn’t do and she knows you love her. She’s looking for acceptance from them. I was that child once. She wants their approval and the over dramatic wow this is an amazing gift blah blah blah. She’s probably hoping they’ll spend more time with her, a bit like when disney dads/mums buy their kids affections. Don’t take it personally, she will grow out of it and see for herself what’s really gone on, and if not then one day they really will let her down and she will see. Depending on how old she is depends on how you deal with it. If she’s a teen and mature enough to understand I’d probably have a chat, say you appreciate she loves her dad etc but equally you and DP would love to see the same respect/affection back. And if she’s very mature for her age then lay it all out for her and let her decide. My own mother did this and I chose to stop seeing my dad at 12 because he added nothing to my life, he just caused stress and I have no regrets.

No real advice I’m afraid but I totally relate. My 9yr old DS is similar with his pretty useless dad (who also wouldn’t know what year he’s in at school, has never been to a parents evening but buys him stupid expensive trainers 🙄).
It is very trying - and sometimes heartbreaking. Your situation sounds slightly different as your daughter is older - I agree with pp about gently having a conversation with her - but generally I just try and accept it. Not in a passive way but by recognising that he’s doing a shit job and my son is missing out on the real deal. My son is simply trying to cling on to the crumbs he gets given and I try not to take it personally. NOT easy, I know.

What I have started doing in the past year or so is being quite honest, in an age appropriate way, about his dad’s poor parenting. Not in a nasty way or trying to be divisive but because I want my son to recognise that it’s not ok to be hopelessly disorganised, cancel at the last minute, not remember things. I want to equip him with ways of dealing with it because it can be hurtful for him, obviously. My son loves his dad, which is as it should be, but does recognise the things that aren’t great and sometimes he’ll want to talk about it.

I have this with my DC, although they're a bit younger. Not so much with DS, but DD spends ages making lovely cards and crafts for her dad and stepmum (who exH insists she calls mum ) and goes on about how great they are and it does hurt. You're only human.

I deal with it by saying 'That's nice, I'm sure exH/SM will love it' and shutting down the conversation. I know she does it to get attention and to see my reaction too so I give her attention but without a reaction. Then talk to DH about it afterwards and he has a quiet word with her about empathy if he thinks she's taking it too far.

@Lilac95, thank you. You make some very good points.

I think most of the time I can just get on with things, but every so often, it just really hurts and I do, probably wrongly, take it personally. Sometimes I genuinely do feel like that's DDs intention, which I know is quite normal for a teen.

I do believe her dad loves her, but his interest seems to fluctuate massively. He can have a couple of weeks where he will be bombarding her with messages and declaring how much he misses her, wishes he could see her more etc and then the next few weeks, nothing. Won't even reply to her messages, will put a night out with the lads before having her. That's him all over though really. Something/someone is EVERYTHING to him one minute to the point of obsession, then can't really be arsed with them/it the next.

Thing is, DD will tell me this sometimes. She knows what he's like, but understandably, doesn't want to believe it. She finds him loud and scary and has only recently started actually looking forward to staying with him.

I have had to bite my tongue so many times when I DD tells me how amazing her dad is. One time in particular, I couldn't. She said that she wanted to spend her birthday with him and his wife rather than us, but he wouldn't have done anything with her. He can't even buy her a present on his own and will get annoyed with me if I don't give him a shortlist. The year before he could have seen her, but decided again, a night out was more important and that wasn't the first time. This came out and I instantly felt awful! The look on her face was heartbreaking, but I just couldn't hear it anymore and looking back, I don't think I was wrong.

I wish she had a genuinely good and healthy relationship with her dad. There would be no bad feelings, no jealousy, but when you literally do everything for your DC, you put them before everything and everyone, it's so bloody hard. Not because you aren't appreciated, but because her dad appears to be, so much more.

"wouldn’t know what year he’s in at school, has never been to a parents evening but buys him stupid expensive trainers"

Oh my goodness, this! The expensive trainers, and the play stations really DON't make up for lack of interest and general poor parenting.

DDs dad will parade these items around as though I should be personally grateful, like he's waiting for his dad of the year award to come through.

@seasonallysnowypeasant, yes, I have the same kind of template response. I very rarely rise to it, but to say that's challenging is a huge understatement.

Anybody else relate?