When someone apologises but it's not enough...

Nilbog · 2020-11-08T16:43:01+00:00

Something happened to my DS at school and I am struggling to accept the other child's apology. I know that is my issue not DS's but it's a big deal and I feel that the token apology minimises it. I don't want DS to feel he has to accept the apology if he doesn't think it's enough, nor do I want to project my own feelings on the matter. So, when I relay the 'this is my way of saying sorry' message to DS, I need to put my poker face on. And then what?

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/11/2020 16:46

What happened?
If someone hit him then apology and appropriate punishment for that child is enough. If someone properly beat him up then apology isnt enough and you could push to have their movements restricted within in the school etc.
If someone was racist towards your child then it needs an apology plus a whole school assembly to discuss how unacceptable that sort of behaviour is, so that your child feels validated and heard and the school nip it in the bud before any other kids copy what was said.

converseandjeans · 08/11/2020 16:46

I think if something awful has happened and the other child has pretty much been forced to apologise as some sort of way of making things OK again - then tbh there's no reason you should accept an apology if you don't think it's sincere.
How old is DC and what happened? I imagine the parents are trying to sort the situation out and it's not uncommon to suggest some sort of apology as a way of getting the child to take some responsibiity.

JoeBidenIsGreat · 08/11/2020 16:48

How old?
I find parents may never forgive but kids can forgive.
The kids are the better people.

Original poster

Nilbog · 08/11/2020 16:54

So, the kids are 9 and friends. The Mum and I are very good friends. It was a deliberate and unpleasant attack. And it isn't the first time.

The other child has a complicated background and it isn't as simple as punishing him.

My focus at the moment is to put the ball in the school's court to keep my DS safe.

OP posts:

JoeBidenIsGreat · 08/11/2020 17:15

I'll hide the thread in a moment...
I've only been on the other side... DS was bullying a lad in yr3 but I didn't know until years later. My son was disliked by every parent in the school not to mention a few teachers.

The bullied boy's mother was gracious & we became friends in yr5 when our lads decided to become friends and DS was no longer seen as violent thug #1. What I'm saying is, of course ask school to prevent trouble, and teach your son to put up with bad treatment from no one, but don't hold a grudge forever. It won't do anybody any good.

Itstheprinciple · 08/11/2020 17:24

You make sure your son knows about the apology and he can decide how he feels about it. If you, as the parent, feel like more needs to be done, you can speak to the school but you don't need to put your feelings onto your child. Your child might be happy to move on, or not.

You say yourself it is not a simple situation. Children are a product of their background, environment, experiences etc.

Original poster

Nilbog · 08/11/2020 17:26

I think it's a difficult situation for everyone concerned. Because I know the family well and understand the issues (as much as I can) I'm not blaming the other kid or the family. However I don't want my boy to be hurt again and I suppose my difficulty at the moment is how those two thoughts sit with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nilbog · 08/11/2020 17:29

@Itstheprinciple

You make sure your son knows about the apology and he can decide how he feels about it. If you, as the parent, feel like more needs to be done, you can speak to the school but you don't need to put your feelings onto your child. Your child might be happy to move on, or not.

You say yourself it is not a simple situation. Children are a product of their background, environment, experiences etc.

Exactly, I know that my son has some confidence/low self-esteem issues (and that his Dad is a cunt) so I'm very protective of him.

I want my son to be able to move on but this is the third time he has been hurt at school and I don't want him to believe that he has to accept that behaviour.

Right now, I feel proud that my DS didn't retaliate but when I think of how scared he was breaks my heart.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nilbog · 08/11/2020 17:30

As an adult, if anyone treated me the way my son was treated I would cut them out of my life and call report them to the police.

OP posts:

Palavah · 08/11/2020 17:38

Did it happen at school? If so it sounds as though your greater concern should be whether the school is doing enough to safeguard pupils. Should they be calling the police?

There's a difference between learning that you don't have to accept certain types of behaviour and/or meaningless apologies, and learning that it's possible to forgive people who aren't sorry, and move on without letting the grievance consume you.

Who will it serve if in 5 years you or your child are still holding the grudge?

Original poster

Nilbog · 08/11/2020 17:40

@Palavah

Did it happen at school? If so it sounds as though your greater concern should be whether the school is doing enough to safeguard pupils. Should they be calling the police?

There's a difference between learning that you don't have to accept certain types of behaviour and/or meaningless apologies, and learning that it's possible to forgive people who aren't sorry, and move on without letting the grievance consume you.

Who will it serve if in 5 years you or your child are still holding the grudge?

It was at school, so I'm going to talk to the head.

In 5 years time, I would like my DS to have clear boundaries about what he will and won't accept but not to hold a grudge.

I'd like him to understand that whatever the reason for the other person's behaviour, doesn't make it ok.

OP posts:

Onacleardayyoucansee · 08/11/2020 17:43

Your son has the right not to be friends / socialise with this boy if that's what he wants.
Ultimately, if it means this other boy or your son being disappointed, then it must be the other boy.
Likewise with you and the Mum.
Dissapoint her, not you.

Could suggest a cooling off period, not really sure how I feel, can't facilitate play etc
Ask school to keep an eye/not pair them.

It can be flexible, they might be friends again/might not.

I would think space, requesting space, and see how you feel / review in a few weeks or months.

Original poster

Nilbog · 08/11/2020 17:50

@Onacleardayyoucansee

Your son has the right not to be friends / socialise with this boy if that's what he wants. Ultimately, if it means this other boy or your son being disappointed, then it must be the other boy. Likewise with you and the Mum. Dissapoint her, not you.

Could suggest a cooling off period, not really sure how I feel, can't facilitate play etc
Ask school to keep an eye/not pair them.

It can be flexible, they might be friends again/might not.

I would think space, requesting space, and see how you feel / review in a few weeks or months.

Thanks. Space and time are both good to work through the emotion and decide what to do short and long term.

They both have other friends so it'll be good for them to have some time apart.

OP posts:

fruitypancake · 08/11/2020 17:54

I think that you have to remember that they are only 9. Kids can be physical for all manner of different reasons. All behaviour comes from somewhere and you say yourself he has a background. Try to be understanding

PurpleMustang · 08/11/2020 18:00

An incident happened with my son where his friend just decided to attack him one day, in a wrestling style way not fists. The boy was punished by school and I ensured that he could no longer sit near my son, that the teachers would be aware of why. The boy did apologise (half hearted, in a didn't realise I would of hurt you way), my son accepted the apology. He also apologised by text and I encouraged my son to convey how he felt back. So he again thanked him for the apology but said for now I don't want to be near you or friends with you. And he stuck to that for a couple of months. The other boy did try on a couple of occasions to befriend him again and son came to me and said so. So I said if you think he is truly sorry then give him a second chance. He has and they are fine now. I think its similar in your instance that the boy needs to apologise and school need to take action and then have a break from each other so the boy doesn't think everything is instantly fine again, till next time

Crispsareafoodgroup · 08/11/2020 18:03

I guess you and your son need to decide what will be enough and how that will happen.
I would speak to the school and encourage your son to give him a wide berth in the meantime.
Have you spoken to the other child’s parent/ guardian if you’re friends? That might be worth a try.

Original poster

Nilbog · 08/11/2020 18:48

@Crispsareafoodgroup

Yes, I've talked to my friend, it's difficult as I feel she is minimising the situation but of course our perspectives are different. She knows I am talking to school and she is supportive in that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nilbog · 08/11/2020 18:50

@PurpleMustang

Yes, there's definitely an element of letting the dust settle but there's also the fact that they will both be back at school tomorrow. And this isn't the first incident.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nilbog · 08/11/2020 18:51

I want to thank you all for responding, I'm aware that my own feelings are wrapped up in this and I want to do the right thing by my son. I needed to get it out and have others understand that the situation feels difficult for me.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 09/11/2020 23:41

I would ask school to make sure the boys are kept apart - make a formal complaint as it will have to be recorded. My DS got his head stamped on in school which resulted in severe vomiting and a night in hospital.
I never contact school ever but I did on this occasion request meetings with head and governors.
Luckily the other boy was not a friend.
Going forward I think you need to see your friend without the boys - they don't need to be friends just because you are friends with his Mum. Your son needs to keep out of his way & make it clear he's not interested in being mates with this boy.