How do you stop being envious and jealous of other peoples lives?

[optimisticpessimist01]

It's something I cannot control, I tell myself that not everything is as it seems and you don't know what goes on behind closed doors etc. but I just cannot help but compare my life to other peoples and feel like I'm missing out on something and that their lives have something better that my life doesn't have

DP and I are close to buying our first house together, and even though that is extremely exciting, I still compare the size of the house we'll be looking at and the budget we have compared to others. It's completely ridiculous and madness!! I look at people who are engaged, getting married, and having babies and rather than be happy for them I feel extremely jealous and almost angry at their happiness sometimes.

I don't like feeling this way, I want to be genuinely happy for all my friends and family members and I want the best for them all, but I can't help but compare what they have to what I don't have

How do you stop being jealous and envious of other peoples lives and stop it from consuming you?

Thanks in advance

There will always be people better off and worse off.
If you can change your income try it?
When dh and I were looking we had help from his dp which was wonderful.
But came at a high price too.
We still couldn't afford much though but we chose a repayment mortgage. Our friends, peers took out interest only but in far nicer bigger houses..
We have small chunk of mortgage left to pay but we nealry own our home. It's been dreadful financially for years though.
Our friends have very little equity in their houses...

It's true yiu don't know what people are going through.

I don’t know OP, but it’s difficult, I feel the same.
I have a lovely life, an incredible partner and child, but I do get jealous of people who seem to have loads for very little effort.
I know quite a few people who have had property handed to them on a plate, with no work involved at all, far flung holidays every year, and it’s difficult not to feel envious!

Count your blessings every day.
Work out what you want the most and take some positive steps to get there.

Hi, I haven’t got much advice as I have been struggling with it too. However, I think there is more to it, in my case low self esteem.
I am often angry with myself for not being assertive enough, not career driven enough, so somebody else’s success is more like a mirror to my own inadequacy. Sorry I haven’t got practical advice, but I am actually considering therapy. I think the jealousy is a symptom of a deeper problem. Congratulations on your new home! I hope you find your happiness OP.

Sounds like something else is going on. Did you feel this way as a child?

Hard for me to advise as I seem to have no natural tendency to compare myself to others. I just inherently feel people are so different from one another that you simply can't compare, plus there's so much we don't know about others' lives.

Showing gratitude can be helpful - on another forum I'm on there's a thread about 'things you're grateful for today' and that's helped a lot through lockdown, and I can see it could help with comparisonitis too!

I think (from experience) that these feelings can often happen when you are unhappy/ stressed in other areas of life and it manifests itself in this way. Could this be the case for you too OP?

These things are necessarily linked with what I feel envious about.

I find exploring what I can do to improve the situation and also doing things like temporarily deleting FB, Insta etc so that I don’t see stuff that I might get jealous about. I try and work out things that will make me happy for example, exercise/ baking/ doing something nice/ seeing a good friend.

Some time ago I reasoned with myself that everybody will have shit going on in their life at some point, and maybe they've already had it or maybe it is yet to come. So however rosy things might appear to be for someone now you don't know their backstory, or their future story, so don't waste your precious time and energy being envious.

Oh and yoga and meditation are really helpful for me too.

I know this might be extreme to some but for me I just came off all social media. I had Facebook, insta and snap chat and I just deleted them all and never looked back. I feel so much better and happier. Other people's social media posts have a lot of influence over how we feel and yet are just a filtered snap shot of the good stuff.

My theory is that if I really wanted what they had then I'd have it too as I would have worked for it. The fact that I don't is because I had other priorities and made other choices which were right for me. Obviously some people have luck and they don't work for what they have, sometimes its handed to them (ie inheritance etc), but if I wanted a large house then surely I would have sort after a well paid career and then I wouldn't be able to enjoy it as I'd be at work all the time. Instead I took a slightly easier path. OK so I live in a small house that still needs a bit of work etc, but I haven't got a top paid job that I had to work my arse off for.

I try to focus on my achievements and the things that are good in my life.

For example, one of my good friends doesn't work. She doesn't need to as her husband earns enough for their needs. Then again I'm happy with my husband so the fact that I do have to work means that I'm married to the man I love.

People tend to share the best aspects of their life and not so much the bad or mundane aspects. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm not saying their lives are privately shit, but it's hardly ever as famtastic as it can seem to be.

I would say you only see what people have not what they don't have. You would look at us and think we are very lucky to have purchased the house we have as first time buyers.
What most people won't know is that my Dad died last year leaving behind his children aged between 16 and 25. This enabled us to get something quicker and larger than we would have done but at such a great cost. Be grateful for what you have - particularly friends and family, things change in an instant.

I second what taxiformum has said!
I came off Facebook, it really has helped me stop comparing my life to others.

In my experience, everyone suffers, and you don't know from the outside what others are grappling with. I'd definitely suggest working on your self worth though.

Well I think some jealousy/envy is normal. I live in a naice area of SW London & my neighbours/school parents are always having house renovations, holidays, etc funded by parents. I know of at least 3 couples who were handed 200-300k to help them move up the ladder. We have a good income & a nice home but I can't compete because our parents don't have hundreds of thousands to hand out. My neighbours sold their home to a trustafarian, Im definitely jealous of his lifestyle! 😆

I live in a lovely 5 bed house with my 4DC in not a nice area. To move to a slightly larger house in a nicer area would be an extra 100-150K which is a big hike in a mortgage. I’m so thankful I have the house I do.

What I get jealous about is people with family. My DC have no GPs really, In laws are dead, I’m NC with my mother as she’s a horrible person who abused me growing up and my Dad well we see him once a year and he’s desperate to leave doesn’t really bother. Siblings aren’t really involved in our lives either. So I get jealous of people who are close to their mothers, whose mothers babysit or do their childcare or who help them out financially. We’ve had none of this. It’s been tough just DH never having a night out or a break, even things when one of the DC was in hospital. I was a SAHM for 11 years because it was easier childcare wise and I hated people saying “oh your so lucky” or “I couldn’t stay at home”

Everything seems to be so hard for us, we never just sail through life and it’s hard not to be jealous but I’ve got to be thankful for what we do have not what we don’t

The grass isn’t always greener.

I used to feel much more envy than I do now. Probably at a similar stage to you. I used it as a spur to help me focus on, and plan how to achieve, my goals. A lot of these have been achieved or are well on track 10 years later, and I'm in a happy position. Lots of people have more than me. Lots of people have less. I have made the right choices for me. And yes, patience and gratitude are two things that get you through the tough times. Plus the realisation that envy only makes yourself unhappy, and I really don't have time or energy to keep feeling that way. I just try to think about something else. I do literally say to my husband "I'm not going to engage in this conversation/line of thought, it's not going to get me anywhere, it's just going to make me feel unhappy". I just don't go there. No point. Life is too short. I have cancer (curable, hopefully) and 3 kids under 7. I'm not wasting my life consumed by envy. Either make a plan, do something about it, or focus on something else. You can only start from where you are now, but go out and get the life you want.

I don't envy their lives as such but I do get pangs of 'I want a nicely decorated, tasteful home that feels welcoming' instead of make do and mend and woodchip on the wall style (shitty walls, DH likes woodchip as it covers a multitude of sins, I hate it!) Mismatching furniture...etc. Hopefully moving soon, I have categorically said it will be fresh start and I will be doing it up nicely!
I want to travel, but neither the money or opportunity when I was younger or now.