Regret asking godparents

[soilisplantlife]

Hi,

I asked one of my friends and her husband to be godparents. I've known this friend for a long time but we have fallen out of touch and reconnected a few times.

My partner has close friends who are a couple who I wanted to ask as well but he seemed to prefer the idea of my friend and her hubby being godparents to our first.

Since asking them, I regret it. They've had a lot going on in their life which I appreciate, but they never ask how baby is, what she's doing etc. Even when she was ill they didn't seem to care (they knew she was ill and didn't even send a message).

I feel like it doesn't take long to drop me a message just saying how is baby/I hope things are going ok but they never do.

They seemed really excited when we asked them (a while ago because of lockdown) but haven't mentioned it at all since. It's now been several months. (We will get baby christened eventually but we want family there and due to the rules we haven't been able to yet).

I don't want to fall out with them but I don't think they should be baby's godparents anymore as they don't seem to care about how baby is getting on with things.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can approach this subject without a fall out? If it's possible thank you.

There's no maximum number of godparents allowed. You could just ask the other couple as well if you don't want to upset anyone

My husband has four god daughters and over the years with birthday and Christmas it's cost us a small fortune and none of their parents even send my children a card.

My DH takes his role quite seriously. I just think of the cost.

To some people being a godparent stops after the Christening.....

@user1497787065

My husband has four god daughters and over the years with birthday and Christmas it's cost us a small fortune and none of their parents even send my children a card.

My DH takes his role quite seriously. I just think of the cost.

The awkwardness around gifts and expectations are the reasons I pulled out of being Godparent to my cousins child. I couldn't send the Godchild and not his brother. They didn't buy for my children. There was a comment made about how great their elder sons GPs were so I pulled out.

Do they have children themselves or nieces and nephews?

They might feel a bit socially awkward/ don't know what they ought to be doing if they have little RL experience.

The acquaintances that I have who are godparents are either agnostic or claim to be atheist. They all wanted to be godparents.

One of then is a godparent to several children and laughs at people who believe in God.

I don’t think most people really have firm ideas what godparents are these days. They marry in a church because churches look lovely and it feels like that’s the sort of place a wedding should be. They get the child Christened because, well, that’s what you do isn’t it and it’s always nice to dress up and have a party. They ask friends to be godparents because...we’ll it’s a bit like telling your friends they are really special to you and with a bit of luck your child will get some nice pressies over the years (of course your friends don’t believe in god but why on Earth does that matter). A few years down the line you might also suddenly find a bit of faith when it comes to selecting that nice Secondary nearby with the lovely uniforms.

If you don’t truly believe in god it just all seems so hypocritical to me. We’re both atheists so there was no church, no Christening, no godparents - all completely irrelevant to our lives.

What do you want from godparents and have you communicated this to them?

I find it strange when cohabiting parents have their children christened, then get married in church with DC as flower girls/page boys or even best man.

If you are C of E there's no limit to the number of Godparents your child can have. Why not ask your partner's friends in addition to the people you've already asked? That will avoid a falling out. If your friends turn out to be duff Godparents, your child will still have the others who will hopefully be more involved.

Sorry my post obviously wasn't clear. Baby has not yet been christened.

A lot going on ie they've recently had a baby themselves.
I've been making a lot of effort with them, offering help, answering lots of questions about all sorts and generally asking after them.
I've had nothing in return. Not even a 'how is baby'. I guess I've only recently noticed that they're happy to talk but only when it benefits themselves.
I suppose my expectations are just to show they actually care about my child, even just a little bit. I didn't think was an unreasonable expectation for a godparent but according to some, I must be mistaken.

There is no expectation for them to look after him if we passed away, nothing like that. There's plenty of close family that would be happy to.

I can't see it ending well if we don't keep them as godparents, but on the other hand we might be doing them a favour. I'm not sure how to approach the subject.

We have considered having a christening on the DL but I don't think I could not say anything if I saw them - I'd feel really guilty about going behind their back.

Maybe I am expecting too much from them but I (naively) thought godparents took an interest in their godchildren's lives. I'm not expecting any gifts or anything like that for him, but I did think they'd care enough to ask how he is occasionally.

Godparents come in all varieties.

My godmother has always been in my life and always sends me birthday and Christmas presents, and to my dcs. Dh’s were a colleague of his df’s and his wife, who were never heard of again after the Christening.

I know people who selected godparents based on “great expectations” - gay men being especially popular. I have a wealthy single friend who was getting a bit upset about all the requests, some of which were from people she didn’t know particularly well!

Are you a regular churchgoer OP?

I'm not a regular no

Maybe they're preoccupied with their own new baby!

Why are you bothering with godparents if you aren't religious?

I am religious.

Yes but before the baby was born...?

I think it’s very common to regret choosing godparents that are friends

I think YABU. The world doesn’t revolve around your child, and all their role is is to lead your child in the way of Christianity. Baby is too young for that right now.

Babies are only really interesting to parents; even with family members there’s only so much interest to take.

Do these friends attend church?
Have you drifted from them because you no longer attend church?

Could you use that as an excuse the church would rather you chose religious GPs?

@Bluegrass

I don’t think most people really have firm ideas what godparents are these days. They marry in a church because churches look lovely and it feels like that’s the sort of place a wedding should be. They get the child Christened because, well, that’s what you do isn’t it and it’s always nice to dress up and have a party. They ask friends to be godparents because...we’ll it’s a bit like telling your friends they are really special to you and with a bit of luck your child will get some nice pressies over the years (of course your friends don’t believe in god but why on Earth does that matter). A few years down the line you might also suddenly find a bit of faith when it comes to selecting that nice Secondary nearby with the lovely uniforms.

If you don’t truly believe in god it just all seems so hypocritical to me. We’re both atheists so there was no church, no Christening, no godparents - all completely irrelevant to our lives.

What do you want from godparents and have you communicated this to them?

This strikes such a chord with expectations of parents now. It's far more to do with what their child can benefit from financially, not spiritually... and that's why there's such disappointment perhaps?

As for a friend not asking another friend how their child was after been ill, well that's not a friendship, is it?

I wonder why the OP selected a friend who'd she'd fallen out of touch with for this role anyway? They don't sound close at all.

Apologies OP, I've just seen your updated posts. I don't know what the done thing is for disinviting godparents but, if they're not interested in your child at all then what's the point?

I'd do what pp suggests, have the christening and just never mention it. I doubt they would notice.

I know the world doesn't revolve around my child. I never said it did.

I guess people have different opinions of godparents' roles.

Thank you to everyone that's left a constructive comment.

I'd drifted from this friend previously but have been in contact now again for some time.
I was her bridesmaid and she was mine so we are close (or at least were until recently).
I asked them to be Gparents not long after his birth, not knowing they wouldn't pay any interest.

Maybe I'm expecting too much from them... oh well!

(My world revolves around my child though! And I love it )