How to cope when you're not coping?

[bloodywhitecat]

How do you do it? Most days I am OK but every few days I get a day when the feeling of anxiety in my chest is almost too much to bear.

DP has pancreatic cancer, diagnosis took a long time thanks to various cock ups by the GP and our local hospital. When he had surgery last week a 'nodule' was found in his liver so I am pretty sure the cancer has already spread (he has the most aggressive form of pancreatic cancer and diagnosis was delayed by months). I am pretty sure I am going to lose him sooner rather than later. During the day I have my fosterlings to keep me busy but during the evenings that awful feeling in my chest becomes more evident and tonight it is really bad. I am not sleeping well. I am not eating well. I have tried 'squared breathing'. I take amitriptyline (for pain) and I have sleeping tablets but am reluctant to take them in case one of the babies (11 months and 6 months) need me overnight. DP is 90 minutes away in hospital, my DD is 90 minutes away at her home, DS is 3 hours away and we are going in to another lockdown. I am coping. But I am not.

I'm so sorry. I think what you're going through is exceptionally tough at a time where the vast majority of us are struggling with day to day things.
I think you just survive for the moment. And then coping will follow. Please know you aren't alone.

I’m so sorry OP no wonder you’re feeling like this. 💐

Take one day at a time if the future seems too bleak. Night time is the worst for allowing yourself to think. Can you listen to the radio to fall asleep?

I’m sorry you are having such an awful awful time with your DH’s diagnosis and also Covid adding misery and not allowing you to be with people when you need support.
I cannot imagine how hard it is and I only have the time when my DM had a stroke Out of the blue and the weeks in hospital and sadly losing her after she made it home, to offer my bit of insight.
I just stuck my head in either a rubbish box set on my phone or a favourite familiar book that I could just go away into for an hour.
I allowed myself this time to just go away for a while mentally.
For the panic and anxiety I just tried to allow myself to be taken and have a cry usually in the car and when I couldn’t sleep I sat on sofa watching the news channel with a hot milk. I wish I had asked for some low dose drugs I don’t know what but the GP may be able to advise. I found the panic worse at night when all was quiet.
Sorry hopefully some more knowledgeable people will be along soon.

I'm so sorry I think allowing yourself to not cope for a while is ok, be kind to yourself, reach out to people. I see your posts and am thinking of you. My friends husband has pancreatic cancer. Hugs

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’ve thought about you and your husband often since you first posted about your concerns.
Take one day at a time, even hour to hour if needs be, watch trash TV, have a drink, just do whatever you need to get through💐
Thinking and praying for you both xo

When I’ve been really anxious sometimes I’ve literally written myself a timetable hour by hour. It helps me to break it down and concentrate on just getting through that hour, so eg:
5-6 cook and eat dinner
6-7 play board games with kids
7-8 tv
8-9 get kids down then exercise dvd
9-10 shower, moisturise, dry hair
And so on. It sounds ridiculous but it helps me get through when things are bad. Also occasionally I’ve scheduled time to cry/worry/grieve- again somehow it helps me cope during the day if I know I am going to be able to have a massive cry at 9pm in the shower, or allow myself an hour to write my worries down or research stuff on the internet or whatever.

Just an idea, anyway. Sending you a handhold x

Thank you all. Tonight I feel worse but that's probably because I have had a tough day and I have a banging headache. I feel lonely and alone. I did try Macmillan but they haven't been very good at getting back to me so it's put me off trying again. I don't want to weigh down my daughter with my worries and I don't know where to turn.

So sorry to read this OP. Could you try ringing your daughter just for a chat? You don't have to share anything too worrisome but it may help you feel less alone.

Have you a support network around your fosterlings? Any fostering groups you are part of that you could talk to?

I'd urge you to try MacMillan again but them not getting back to you is disheartening.

We're here if you want to chat.

And if not, I hope you manage to rest .

I'm so sorry and sorry too that Macmillan have let you down.

Have you ever spoken to Samaritans? You can phone (116 123) or email ([email protected]). You don't have to be suicidal to call them, and if the first person who answers isn't the 'right' person for you then you can end the call and try again for someone different. They can be good when you're feeling alone and just need human contact or to offload when you're worried about burdening the people close to you, but obviously can't give advice like M could.

The only other thing I can offer is on the sleeping tablets... what kind are they? The ones I have don't stop me from waking up and moving around if I need to, it's just that they enable me to fall asleep when I otherwise can't.

I too have been in the situation of having a very sick OH and not wanting to worry my AC any more than I could. I would like to endorse what a previous poster said about the Samaritans. They are not just there for people who are suicidal. They picked me up on several occasions - they just listened and cared; and because they were not family I did not feel I was imposing on them in any way. I saved their number on my phone so that at times when I was really on the edge I could just click the number without having to look it up.

I use BBC Sounds app top get me to sleep - I can often find some spoken word programme that helps to steer my mind away from the anxieties.

I am sorry that this is happening in your life and send a hand-hold.

Thank you, I did indeed head up to bed last night, I can't say I slept very well though. The GP prescribed me Zopiclone, they are untouched on the shelf in the kitchen. I think I might give the Samaritans a try and I will definitely try an app. It looks like he won't be out any time soon despite feeling well as he has an infection somewhere and they are not wanting to discharge him until his bloods look better.