Partner watching porn is hurting me

[Jane334]

I was in a 12 year relationship until 2016 and I was quite naive to the world; I never realised how much men in and out of relationships watch porn. I have been with my current partner for 3 years and I accidentally discovered that he watched porn when I picked up a linked iPad to his phone. I have also walked in on him masturbating which hurt as I was upstairs in bed asleep.
I now can’t go to sleep until he does as I worry he will sit up and masturbate. I die inside when he is in the shower and has his phone as I know what he is doing... it fills me with dread and I feel sick.
When I spoke to him about it, I explained that I never knew men did this so was hurt and shocked that a man I share my home and life with does this... it almost feels like cheating to me... a betrayal at least. He said it’s totally normal and all men do it.
I found files on the house iPad and I decided to forget it as he downloaded them ages ago but today I have found an email that is a link to an only fans file download full of pornographic pictures and videos.
I feel sick to my stomach! Has he paid someone with our money for these pictures? At least it looks like he hasn’t got an Only Fans account which is one saving grace but I am so hurt that he has arranged this download and saved them to his google drive, it makes me sick to my stomach and respect him a little less.
I don’t think he is messaging anyone or contacting anyone but this still feels like a betrayal.
We have sex regulars maybe once a week. But he is detached from emotion (no kissing and doesn’t really want me to talk). He also takes a long time to finish which I think is down to excessive masturbating? I may be wrong.
Am I being dramatic or should I feel betrayed??

I don’t think you’re being dramatic.

Some people are apparently fine with their partners watching porn, I wouldn’t be.

And even if you were fine with it, it sounds like your partner uses porn a lot, and also has little empathy for how you feel.

In your situation, I would be re-evaluating whether or not I wanted to stay with someone.

Not all men watch porn.
I wouldn’t stay with a man who did.

Thank you so much for replying to my thread. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I feel like I’m going insane thinking it over in my head. I don’t have any female friends anymore.
I can’t speak to my partner about it as he will get mad.

Oh Jane, he shouldn’t go mad at you when you discuss it with him. My partner doesn’t use porn but previous partners have and I wasn’t comfortable with it.

Why don't you have any female friends?
Men do masterbate but not all men use porn...
You need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you.
The lack of intimacy (but expecting "sex") and not being allowed to speak during sex would be a deal breaker for me.

Sounds like you aren't compatible.

If this is upsetting you so much and you can't reach a resolution through discussion with him, the issue will not go away and the relationship is untenable.

I do think that you 'die inside' is an extreme reaction to masturbating which is quite standard behaviour amongst both men and women.

Do you want him to stop using porn to masturbate or stop masturbating all together?

I explained that I never knew men did this
So what is it like on your home planet?

OP, maybe you and your current partner are not compatible but no need for all the wide-eyed innocence.
Grow up. And if the relationship is not working for you, end it.

OP why do you want to stay with someone who gets angry when you try to talk about issues they have decided they don’t need to discuss or budge on?

From your description your partner doesn’t sound like a very nice person.

And he doesn’t kiss you?

You don't seem compatible and I doubt you will ever see eye to eye on the matter.

The porn use and his general shittiness to you aside, it is wrong for you to feel betrayed and hurt by a partner masturbating in the general sense of it. Sexual autonomy is important and masturbation is normal, and has very little to do with you in a healthy relationship.

He is trying to justify what he does, not all men use porn.
I wouldn’t continue the relationship in your situation, but what you are prepared to put up with is up to you.

I have generally lost touch along the way and stupidly prioritised my relationship and not made the effort to maintain a friendship.

I die inside probably does sound OTT. When he is in the bathroom with the door locked for ages, I just don’t understand why he wants to watch porn and masturbate over them girls when I am right outside and would never turn him down for sex. It feels like he goes in their to cheat and really upsets me. I don’t have an issue with him masturbating it’s just the use of porn and the effort put into to contact/pay someone and then download a huge file of it just seems hurtful to me and not what I expected a partner of mine to do?
Maybe I am naive but I genuinely thought porn was for lonely guys and not my partner.

It is very hurtful.

I was with someone once who had watched/watched porn to such an extent that the was no longer interested in real sex. And when we did have sex, his only reference was what he’d seen in porn so it was awful.

I think you need to find someone else to be blunt with you. This will eat away at you and ruin your self esteem.

I think you’re right... I am working out constantly and I am not a bad looking girl but this just makes me feel undesired. It’s horrible.
Thanks for your comment