Having difficulty with my dd

[Mrsandmanbringmeadream]

My dd (14) has been quite upset/annoyed over the last few months because she’s never been abroad. We try and do a uk holiday once a year and I try and do exciting things with her like take her to concerts, take her on shopping days etc. I also do less expensive (but still really nice things) like take her for an ice cream on the beach and have cream teas with her in the garden. We’d love to take her abroad but we can’t really afford to. I think her friends talk a lot about the holidays they’ve all been on. I keep telling her that we’re in the middle of a pandemic and that going on a foreign holiday isn’t really realistic for anyone right now. She keeps bringing up that a girl she knows goes to New York every Xmas and I feel awful telling her that we really can’t afford these things. She gets really mad at me and cried and says says I’m ruining her childhood and that she’s not getting the same opportunities as everyone else. She brings it up every day at the moment. Was just wondering if anyone else has come across this with their kids and if so, how you handled it? Thank you

I'd keep on with the mantra that there will always be people better off and worse off.

That said, could it be an option to stay at home one year and save the money for a small overseas trip the next year? UK holidays can be nearly as expensive as the cheaper holidays abroad anyway.

Concert tickets can be hugely expensive so could you cut those out and put the money towards the cost of a holiday?
I’ve never taken my dds (19 and 16) either. I’m a single parent and it’s partly financial and partly because of behavioural problems. They have flown though (to Scotland).

She gets really mad at me and cried and says says I’m ruining her childhood and that she’s not getting the same opportunities as everyone else. She brings it up every day at the moment.

She sounds like a brat. Tell her so.

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. I think all teenagers find something to blame their parents for. We are fortunate to have been able to to travel a lot with our children, but all that is forgotten in their never ending pleading for a dog. The eldest in particular is insistent that absolutely all of his friends have dogs, and simply won't hear the reasons why it isn't at all practical for our family.

Tell her New York won’t run away. Those children who do get to get to go abroad frequently to exotic places can get very world weary at a surprisingly young age. If you can possibly afford it one year, it is well worth it. I once took a weekend job for six months because we all wanted to go abroad- it was lovely- but it was what we all wanted.

Her friend won’t be going to NYC this year.
14 is old enough to be told about finances, sit her down and explain earnings and expenditure and if she’d prefer no treats and save for a week away but it won’t be NYC then it could be doable, I go away with my DD15 quite often & it doesn’t need to cost a lot.

At 14 she is old enough to understand the cost of things. If it is that important to her, perhaps go through with her how much a holiday abroad will cost, including everything, passports, flights, accommodation, spending money, insurance, food etc etc, and what she is willing to sacrifice in order for you as a family to be able to afford it. Does she do any clubs, have any subscriptions, get pocket money, have Netflix etc, anything she could give up/save? Does she have any opportunities to earn a bit of money herself? If she is so set on a holiday abroad, she needs to understand what the true cost of that is, and then decide if its really worth it. Perhaps if she realises that in order to pay for her passport aline she would need to have no Netflix for 6 months or whatever, she might have a better understanding of the situation. And its important to learn that its far better to contribute to a solution than to just complain about a problem.

I think you need to explain about cost and why it's not manageable. Do you have other children? Would it be feasible to save up for a trip away, say after her GCSEs when you could go out of school holiday times? She could put present money towards it. If that's not feasible, maybe she could look at getting a job and saving for her own holiday.

It seems a slightly odd time to be focused on this, when less people have been going away. Is it part of a general feeling of boredom/missing out exacerbated by the pandemic?

@SBTLove

Her friend won’t be going to NYC this year. 14 is old enough to be told about finances, sit her down and explain earnings and expenditure and if she’d prefer no treats and save for a week away but it won’t be NYC then it could be doable, I go away with my DD15 quite often & it doesn’t need to cost a lot.

Completely agree with this. She is 14 and old enough to be told about money. For me I would never reveal salary or mortgage but she can know how much food shopping is, how much her uniform costs when you add it all together, how much your council tax is, utilities, insurance both house and car. She needs to have her eyes opened to how much things cost.

My children know how much our holidays cost, the sofas, furniture, beds and the cars we bought.

If you like, take a teacher salary as that is something she can relate to, put it into a mortgage calculator and see what they would lend and what the percentage is. Then look on Rightmove for houses/flats to see what that teacher salary could get you. On the Rightmove page for a property there is a breakdown showing roughly what it costs to live in the house. Maybe this is the wake up call she needs.

Flight costs are more difficult, normally you would just stick details into skyscanner or the likes. I am not sure if that is possible at the moment.

I agree that she is old enough to understand that there are financial limitations. If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it.

It's probably worth considering whether you definitely can't afford it, or whether you just have different priorities. Nothing wrong with that if you do, but I guess if this is really important to her, then you might want to consider whether this is something that you could do. If the money simply isn't there though, she needs to accept this with good grace and be grateful for all of the advantages that she does have - I'm sure there are many.

Tell her to work hard at school, get a decent job and then she'll be able to travel to her heart's content. In the meantime, if she is suffering an attack of self pity, get get involved in volunteering to help those less fortunate than herself, it might help her to get some perspective.

My Dc are at Private school so have some very wealthy peers BUT she still never behave like that
Last time we went away (Greece, 3 star SC) we met a friend of hers at the airport who was about to fly 1st class to The Maldives, she wasn’t at all bothered. It’s your DD that’s the problem, not what you can or can’t afford

If she genuinely wants to go abroad....We don't go abroad much because I can't fly very easily for health reasons but we did have a good trip to Paris. Could you save up for a night or two in eg Paris once the pandemic is over? You don't have to spend a couple of grand on a two week holiday. Ask her what she would like to give up to make it happen, start a coin jar, get her to save some birthday/babysitting money etc etc goals are good.

Having said that is this social media fuelled fomo?

This was me at the same age.

I didn’t go abroad until age 17 with my boyfriend for the same reason- my family couldn’t afford it.

Poor girls at that age where she’s comparing herself to all her friends. And I bet it’s even worse now with social media etc.

I don’t even think there is a right thing to say or do to be honest. Just that ‘one day’ she will get to do these things.
You’ll probably find it will spur her on to be successful to be able to afford to travel and that she will go through a phase of going on lots of trips when she has her own money.

I know teens can be selfish little blighters but maybe there is something else going on? Is she normally quite materialistic?
My DD is nearly 14 and sometimes she says she would like to fly and go abroad but she knows we don’t have the money right now so she doesn’t go on about it.
I wonder if some of your DD’s friends are going on and on about it so she feels bullied almost?
We are planning on going to Italy when possible perhaps a city break to Florence.
If you can try and do something even if it means taking her out of school for a week and a cheap flight somewhere you could budget it together and plan it together.
She needs to understand though that many many families just aren’t able to afford NY for Christmas and that sort of travel and that it’s not fair for her to make you feel less.

If it's important to her then she can start to save up so she can take herself on a holiday abroad w school or friends in a couple of years time.

I started saving to visit my sister in Turkey at 14. Took me 2.5 years but it was great.

I’d tell her you can’t afford and to stop being ungrateful. Not sure if this will help but I have been all over the world as a child eg. Below 16 as that’s when I stopped going on holiday with my parents and I hand on heart can’t remember most of them! Just little snippets of a couple of places! Was adamant we went to a really amazing zoo in Italy turned out the one I was on about was in wales she will not be in any way badly done by this, she’s missing out on nothing!

When my granddaughter was little she was taken on holiday every year . By the time she was 6 she had been to Turkey , Spain ,Greece . Also Cuba , Dominican Republic and mexico . A few years later she couldn't remember a single one of those holidays . I couldn't afford to take my children abroad but once they grew up and got a job they went abroad on holiday with their mates and had much more fun than they would have with us .

The world is at her feet. First and foremost I'd pull her up on her bratty behaviour, secondly, it's a good opportunity to teach her about finances and to encourage her to channel her frustration into dreams and goals, it won't be long before she's earning her own money and she can prioritise as she sees fit.

I would look to see if you could afford to take her abroad, even if it took you 2-3 years to save. But not before addressing the bratty behaviour.

@cheeseismydownfall

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. I think all teenagers find something to blame their parents for. We are fortunate to have been able to to travel a lot with our children, but all that is forgotten in their never ending pleading for a dog. The eldest in particular is insistent that absolutely all of his friends have dogs, and simply won't hear the reasons why it isn't at all practical for our family.

^ I think this is very true. Teens are almost programmed to be dissatisfied with the status quo and "want more" and feel restless. It's part of growing up. And it's this urge that makes them leave home and explore the wider world. If it wasn't travelling, it would be something else. In particular, teens tend to want the opposite of what their parents want or can provide.

Sometimes teens can't quite articulate why they feel the way they do, so all of their feelings get centred on to a new phone or a holiday. In this instance it's helpful to address the feelings behind the request rather than the factual request itself. So talk about and acknowledge your teen's feelings of restlessness and need for increased independence. Is there any way you could meet her needs in a different way such as buying her a bike, helping her to get a paper round, go hacking on horseback (these things are very difficult ATM I realise).

Also, our society almost programmes us adults, never mind teens, in to thinking "I'll feel better when I have saved up for this car/renovated this house/gone on holiday/lost two stone" so it's helpful for teens (and ourselves) to learn how to feel happy and ok in the present moment eg mindfulness. People think it's a bit hippy but it really isn't; it helps us to banish depression about the past and anxiety about the future. A gratitude journal can help with this and has been shown to change the neural structures in the brain.

Good luck op. And don't fall in to the trap of letting your teen make you feel guilty. It can be very wearying and upsetting to have your own child criticize you and, in a sense, be told that, in their eyes, you are not doing a good enough job, when for all of their childhood, you have put them first. Keep calm, be sympathetic, tell your DD you love her often (as all teens assume everyone is working against them somehow!) but don't be drawn in to her cry of "all my friends have more/better/easier". Be strong, quietly confident and sympathetic, but stick to your guns. They need you to hold the boundaries for them.

Thank you all for your replies. I do think she might be quite frustrated with me at the moment and this might just be how it’s manifesting. I have suggested to her that if we save up for a few years we could have a holiday abroad when she finishes her GCSEs but she keeps saying it’s about what she’s missed out on already- I do wonder if she’s also referring to things she feels she’s missed out on this year because of Covid. She was very upset when the schools closed earlier in the year