In laws expect us to visit- but aren’t at all interested

[Anewmum2018]

This is more a rant than anything, as I know I can’t change other peoples behaviours. I just wanted to know if anyone had anything similar and any advice?
My DH parents are very much of the vibe that adult children have a ‘duty’ to visit their parents, and put in effort etc. We live a good four hours drive away from them and they’ve only been to visit once since our son was born 2 yrs ago.
We’re expected to go and see them, despite both of us working and having small child (obvs Covid has got in the way somewhat this year). We’re currently visiting for 3 nights (in hotel to minimise virus risk) - anyway, on the way down here, my husband informs me that his dad won’t be here all weekend as he’s off doing his hobby! This trip has been on the cards for ages, and his parents are retired so could literally do any of this any other time.
My fam is complete opposite- will move heaven and earth to help us out and love seeing their grandkid.
I can see it’s really hurt my husband, and pissed me off to be honest. In the grand scheme of thing, not a huge deal, but it has made me very much think, why do we bother? And how does anyone else deal with this kind of disinterested (but weirdly obligatory!) in laws?

@Amammi

Just think of the happiness you are giving her. It will have been a big focus for her I’m sure this visit. Precious time away from her caring duties to enjoy her grandchild. Let your DH do the bulk of the visiting and in the meantime enjoy a bubble bath or two!

Wise, zen words!

Ahah tell me about it. I moved 2 hours away from my parents 10 years ago. They've never visited me, not once. I go up and visit them about 5 times a year, and a lot of times they get emotional and want me to visit more often. I've just accepted this is the way they are and they're elderly now and I can't imagine them driving here now anyway. I'm actually considering moving back there next year so I can be there to help them as they get into their frail years.
Now I am a parent myself it really hits home how strange their attitude is. Just strengthens my resolve on how not to parent. I will always be there for my daughter.

That’s the thing isn’t it, when you have your own children you realise how weird it is not to want to see them.
It’s all very well banging on on FB how much you love being a nana etc, but most of parenting/ grand parenting is just showing up, reliably. There’s no great mystery, you just have to show up!

I think the issue is FIL. Can you chat to MIL and ask her if she’d like to come to you for a few days next time and leave FIL to look after his mum?

Frazzled yeah that’s what I was thinking with out his wife the she I’ll find it even more dull

Op even better reason to stay on the hotel then

I really feel for your DH, and actually for your MIL too, FIL sounds rather self centred. Hope you have a good visit and enjoy a bit of alone time while DH visits his mum with the DC.
I love my in-laws but have come to the conclusion that sometimes families are just a bit odd and have very different dynamics and expectations than I’m used to with my family, where we’re all pretty close and enjoy spending time together. For example, SIL lives a couple of hours away with her DC and says that when MIL and her partner come down for their annual visit, they will stay in a local hotel for a long weekend but only actually see SIL and the kids once! Seems strange to me but hey ho, just let them get on with it.

Maybe try to gently get your husband to open up about how he feels about it all. It sounds like he has a lot of unspoken hurt to explore. It won't solve anything but it might help you to be able to think of it as supporting him rather than just pandering to his selfish family.

I have a similar dynamic, my parents will be giving us an almost unlimited amount of free childcare when we have our baby, and his aren't really helpful at all. My partner feels quite angry and upset about it especially as his parents are wealthier. It's good to get it out in the open.

Is it not due to the elderly MIL of MIL? I am guessing it's not easy for them to leave.

I do know what you mean though. We travelled 3 hours each way to visit ILs for years. They were in their early 70s when I met DH and didnt drive , but there was never even an attempt to get on the train even when we had very young children. They've both died now, but SIL and her family lives in the same area they did and she's the same. They live by the sea so we stay nearby once a year for a few days as our annual holiday. If we didnt do that we would never see any of them.

I think it puts a different slant on it when you say your MIL has to look after her own MIL and can't leave her overnight, that is really tough for your MIL, perhaps she would love a break but genuinely can't get away?

I really sympathise with you OP, except in my case it's my parents. My DF has not visited my home in 25 years (I kid you not). It just does not to occur to him, even though DH and I both work ft and our child has SN. Yet he gets very upset if we don't 'pay him his dues' by visiting when it is convenient to him for an hour or two (and incurring related time and financial expense as it's not a quick trip). Not one offer of help - ever. It is so disappointing and hurtful.

Not driving 160 miles to see my inlaws anymore OP ..we get there and dont even get a cuppa then we have to sit in silence whilst they are glued to the tv mainly horse racing and football this is hard trying to keep small kids silent !!! Then they moan we don;t go often enough...what the fuck for? I ask myself. I have decided if my dh wants to visit them he can go any time he likes....on his own!!!! They tried to get us to go last january after we went in december for us to collect the dcs xmas gifts ,,we took theirs they had theirs but our dcs still havent got theirs and its nearly this xmas!!!!!! YOU have to laugh ..I will not be held to randsome by them again.....I feel for you and I know how you feel I dont need them and their games though and I would do anything to make my dh happy but he doesnt seem to want to go either.....wonder why?!!!

Oh dear. After a long tedious day being mainly ignored, I’ve kicked off and told DH I think his dad is a jackass. Probably not the most sensitive way to say it. But I’m tired and grumpy

I mean tbf he sounds like a selfish jackass

Ha yes he is. And it’s very apparent so it can’t be a new realisation for DH!

Your dripfeed most recent post puts a very different slant on it; your MIL is a carer for her MIL, the poor woman must be run ragged and in those circumstances it WBU for you to expect her to visit you. In many Asian cultures the children do do the running, so it might not be that your MIL is not interested, it is just a cultural thing. Your FIL OTOH is a jackass for leaving his wife to look after his mother and still go off to do his hobby.

Hmm yeah. It’s tricky one. Just seems like the men in their family do as they please and the women get pissed on from a great height.
Think I’ll send DH down on his own next time- I’m not adding a great deal to the party!

Unfortunately that dynamic is sort of continuing isn't it? DH not telling you stuff so that you can't object in advance. He didn't want the hassle of going up alone and doing childcare himself did he?