Not sure if I want another baby

[Rainbowsparklesdust1921]

Hi I was hoping to get some advice please 😊 My dh & have been together 10 years, we have a gorgeous ds who is 19 months. We've been talking about having a sibling for him within the next year or two. I always thought I wanted more than one child
but no I'm really unsure if I do.
I love my ds more than anything, he's been an absolute delight & easy baby & I absolutely love been a mummy.
I'm a sahm, I'm suffering from pnd & on medication. I'm starting to feel better but it's been a slow road.

My dh works really hard, he works long hours, 6 days a week so he's not really home & when he is, he doesn't really take over looking after our ds, so I really don't get a break.
I'm really worried about getting pnd again & it being alot worse next time & I'm worried I'll struggle with two kids with next to no help. I'm not sure i can do it all again, going through the birth, getting up all night with a newborn, doing night feeds & having a young child under 5 aswell. Plus the cost of having another child.
To me these are all valid reasons not to have another child. I love being a family of 3.
When I've discussed this with him, he just keeps saying me don't have to another child right away we can wait a year or two & says I'm being really selfish not want to give our DS a brother or sister.
But I'm 37, I don't have much more time to wait.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be pressured into it & resenting the child.
Helllppppp pleeeaaseeee

Surely it’s selfish being a dad who doesn’t do anything with his DS. That needs to be addressed first

what idiotic comments from your DH. How ironic that he says you're being selfish for not wanting another whilst doing cock all to help you AND you have PND!

If you were being selfish, you would be charging on ahead with no regard to the potential consequences.

Honestly I'd say don't do it. I have 1 child, it's absolutely fine, great in fact.

Stand by your feelings.

I had PND with ds2 (who is 16 months now). I absolutely could not put myself (or the kids) through that again. Tried the medication and therapy which helped massively but I'm still not back to my normal self.

My dp was the same saying he wanted more but understands that I cant go through this again.

Your husband is being ridiculous. Your child does not "need" a sibling. I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood. Don't allow him to bully you into having another baby if you feel you can't cope. Your mental health is far more important than having another baby.

The reality is that your the one who is minding a baby of 19 months old when you have pnd and are on medication. Your a sahm and your husband works long hours for 6 days a week and even when he is at home he leaves it all to you.
Your 37 now and the older you get the higher chances of having a baby with special needs. He is telling you your selfish for not having a sibling for your child. The reality is that your just getting back on your feet and your not willing to put yourself back where you were and dealing with a toddler/small child and a new born at the same time.
Along with this your husband is a selfish fucker for not doing his share when he is at home. For your own sake you need a brake from the baby.
I tell him the next day he is off your going out and he can mind the baby.
Why is he working long hours 6 days a week? Have you plans to go back to work even part time when your child is a bit older?
Have you any one that you could ask to mind the child for you even for just a few hours a week?
You need a brake from the child and it's important that you have your own life as well.

Don't do it, love. You've every right and reason to stick with the gorgeous DC you already have. You've been through the mill and deserve to just enjoy motherhood now You're starting to feel better. Trust your instincts.

It's all well and good for your DH to want more children when he doesn't have to do anything to help you look after them. Would he consider reducing his hours?

I felt the same and didn't have another. I love being a mum to 9 year old dd and I am confident this is right for us. I had little support and a dh who worked all the time too, plus mental and physical recovery has been long. I couldn't do it again. It was so lonely and isolating and I didn't just want to do it for the sibling reason as siblings don't always get on.

You're not selfish for prioritising yourself in this scenario. Women are constantly exhorted to give of themselves but this is your life too and your journey. You're being asked to give your body over, again, to create and bear a child, and to then care for it mostly alone, alongside a toddler, at the risk of your mental health.
I don't think you're the one being selfish and it's breathtaking that your DH suggests you are.

Thank you for your advice everyone, I really appreciate it 😊 @PandemicPalava I'm really sorry you went through the same thing. I'm glad your happy with having one child 😊 xxxx

@ilady he's not really in a position to reduce his hours as he's just opened his own business, just over a year ago.

I wouldn't have another in your situation. If he won't step up with one, he won't step up with two.

You could just agree with him to park the idea for a year or two and discuss it again then. That'll get him off your back.

Don’t do it. Don’t let him bully you into it.
It’s easy for him, he does fuck all parenting. You’d be the one left struggling on your own again.
Children don’t NEED a sibling. And even if they get one, there’s no guarantee that they would get on and have a good relationship.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam that's one of the main reasons why I against having another baby. The thing is aswell I'm 37,if we wait another year or two, I'll be 38/39 & I know the older you get the more there risks are.

Sorry that comment was meant for @TwilightSkies.
@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam I don't really want to tell him that because I don't want to give him false hope just to turn around & say no. If you get what I mean?

He’s being selfish putting all that pressure on you when you’re having such a tough time already.

Our 6yo only (through choice) had a bad dream this week that DH and I were making a sibling. He’s very happy as an only.

Well if he won't listen to you saying no the first 200 times?

Don't do it, I'm finding going from 1 to 2 with a DH that can tag team so I get a shower and meals hard enough. Doing it alone would be a nightmare.

The age isn’t all that big a deal unless you are a first-time mum. So don’t feel like you need to permanently close any doors one way or another.

If he wants a child sooner, then he’ll have to come
up with ways to ease the burden on you and see if you think they can work. Long hours/six days a week is pretty brutal on both sides tbh

My husband and his sibling pretty much hate each other. I like my sibling but don't think that my life would have been any worse if I was an only. My happy childhood memories don't really feature him. It would be a bad idea to have another child just to give your child a sibling. For one, it's not fair on the second child, it should be wanted for itself and 2. It might not enhance your first childs life, it could even make it worse. Big risk.

I have 2 children, and mental health issues. I love my children dearly, but they are hard work. In your situation I wouldnt have a second.

Do not have another child, you do all the work you don’t want it again.

Your essentially a single parent and would become a single to two children. Your DH works 6 days a week for 6 hours and therefore he feels too "tired" to look after his own DC. What about single parents who work full time and still come home to look after your DC? It's an excuse. The longer you put up with it, you will be left with 5 children, raising them single handily while your DH is moving up in his career and will be out for god knows! how many hours.

I'm life, I believe we choose our own destiny. The problem isn't whether you should have a second DC or not- the issue is when is your DH going to step up.

A possibility it you say to him: ok - you show me you can step up for a year. Cut your hours, do 50:50 and I'll consider it after that. That way the onus rests with him. Doubt he'll manage it but the responsibility for that will lie with him.