if it took you a long long time to find someone right, please talk to me

[skylines1]

I’m feeling so shit. Life is ok, I have a home a job, friends, hobbies. I don’t want a family alone.

I date and maybe passed up some good men looking back but also have had good relationships and relationships with two v abusive men. I have therapy as I think it’s a good thing to do in general.

I feel like I’ve tried all sorts, dating to wait to see if something develops, being very open minded, being more specific about what I’m looking for, dating lots, taking a break from all dating, trying to be friendly in general and getting involved in things.

I’m not a model but I get dates, I’m told I’m attractive. I find dating fine I’m just so fucking bored of it.

About 5 of my friends have either been married and divorced, moved in with someone, got married etc all in the space of me still being single. How can people just meet someone and it work out? It doesn’t seem fair and I’m starting to feel fed up. I even worry I let good people go but at the time I was sure I didn’t want to be with them. I’ve been broken up with too of course and I look back on those and can see things weren’t right with them either.

People seem to just meet others and the next thing you know they are close and together and a couple. I just feel so fed up and drained.

Rant over :(

It's a numbers game and luck op. I do think some people are better at relationships and easier to be with - I do not include myself in this! I know a few people who have NEVER been single - they just move from one boring/thick bloke to the next. Now I think that is weird.

It's not worth holding out for something perfect though, it's unrealistic. I accept my DPs flaws as he accepts mine and we do have to work on our relationship, it's not always easy. Our relationship is good enough and often wonderful.

Keep going. You might meet someone, you might not but hopefully you'll have some laughs along the way. I know it's tough.

Eleven years after my divorce.

I had given up on men, to the point I spent several years having failed solo fertility treatment.

When DH appeared and we got pregnant very quickly, I think I thought I was dreaming for a long time.

I am very, very lucky that I found him when I did. I refused to lower my standards and had resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life.

Part of it is being willing to accept people’s’ flaws, and accepting that you’ll never find someone “perfect”. Shared values and mutual attraction can be a good base for a relationship, but you need to learn which things you’re willing to compromise on.

On the other hand, I do think that sadly a lot of people are just willing to settle for someone they’re really not happy with. As an example, some of your friends have got married and divorced. Just because it seems like everyone is in a relationship, it doesn’t mean they’re in a happy one!

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, especially going to therapy. Having failed relationships is valuable as it gives you a stronger idea of what you want from a future relationship. I really appreciate that it’s tough when you really want to settle down with someone though.

How old are you? It's easier when you're younger. The older you get, the more difficult to find someone. Too many weirdos muddying the waters so to speak.

Also, why did you let some good guys go? Is there a specific reason for that that needs targetting?

For example my perpetual single cousin lets good men go if they don't react exactly as the romance in her head and refuses to accept that they might take things at a different pace or be a bit nervous. They also have to be ridiculously attractive, succesful and very artistic. Now I love my cousin but she's being too difficult. Also most men her age (late 50s) just don't look that good anymore. In her case she could find someone if she'd be more accepting of the good people that she meets.

I was single for 6 years before I met my husband online. I was 33 when I met him (nearly 34). I can't say there was one particular thing which made it happen to be honest, except luck and being available at the right time.

One thing that I think helped the relationship develop was that I was very clear from the start that I wanted to have a family and settle down. When I was younger I would try and play it cool, and get disappointed later on when it turned out he didn't want those things.

During those 6 years, I used to do some internet dating for a while and when it all got too much, I'd take some time away from it and enjoy life in other ways. Sounds like that might be where you're at now.

Don't dwell too much on what could have been - I know that's easier said than done, but those relationships didn't work out for good reason and wouldn't have made you happy. Not being in a relationship at all is better than being in a relationship that doesn't make you happy.