dd's overbearing friend

[Andmyguitar]

DD is in year 4 and has been friends with a girl since nursery. Let's call this friend 'Sarah'. Sara is very dominant, overbearing and can't handle not having her own way. She is very focused on my dd and when dd plays with others at playtime Sarah turns her back, crosses her arms and sulks throughout the break. When my daughter choses another girl as learning partner Sarah blanks her for the rest of the day and acts offended and sulky. But then she runs after her at home time and wants dd's attention.

Dd is quite popular and has many friends in school but she is prone to anxiety and not very confident. Sarah is very bright and her mother is incredibly competitive constantly telling people on the school run about her dc's 'amazing achievements' so Sarah must have picked this up. E.g. Sarah boast to my dd about her amazing school report and how she always scores the highest in class. Another thing I have noticed is that when dd has a play date with another girl, Sarah instantly demands a playdate with the same girl. It's so weird!

My dd is always talking of this girl at home even though she doesn't consider her as her best friend. For example, I told her that her teacher had given lovely feedback about dd as part of parent consultation and that I was proud of her, dd replied that Sarah is more clever than her. When I complimented my dd on her reading homework she says Sarah is already on book band 'x, y, z' (higher).

This girl's tendency to showing off (her mum is a massive show off too), clinging onto dd and sulking when dd doesn't do what Sarah wants concerns me.

Is this something to worry about? Do I need to intervene and how? I am concerned that this girls (and her mums) big ego and self-centred way will undermine my dd's confidence.

I’m wondering if Sarah been told by her parents that she is THE most important, intelligent, attractive child ever to have been born? Poor Sarah might not be coping very well with the realisation that not everyone agrees.

My eldest DD has attracted people like this all her life. Encourage your DD to be friends with everyone. Never discuss play dates/sleepovers/ grades/work with the mother - just stop telling them anything. - grey rock them.

@LolalovesLondon I suspect something like that. The whole family is quite overbearing and totally convinced of their 'specialness' they're quite ordinary-. Also the mum will do anything that 'Sarah' or her her older sibling demand so when dd's acts in a spoilt and entitled way at playdates (at Sarah's house) the mum just accommodates her dd.

@LolalovesLondon that's what I've been trying to do. I have distanced myself from the mum as she can't help but brag every single time I talk to her. When the mum sees me talking to another school mum, she makes a bee line, interrupts us and arranges something with the other mum there and then, it's bonkers!

I have asked my dd not to tell 'Sarah' about the nice things she does because without a fail, Sarah and her mum will copy it. Dd started the piano, when Sarah found out, she demanded piano lessons and gets them now. But it's hard for my dd not to talk about the things she does outside of school.

I suppose my question is how do other people manage dominant and slightly tricky school friendships?

@LolalovesLondon sorry to hear that you dd has had these sort of dynamics as well. How did it affect her? I hope she's ok and happy in herself!

Sarah might be trying to find her place in school where not everyone is focussing their attention and praise on her 100%. It can be a bit of a shock for some children, caused by their parents.

If Sarah is an otherwise nice girl then I'd encourage your DD to remain friends with her, but not at the expense of other friendships.

It might also be worth speaking to the teacher, not to get sarah into trouble but to pass on your concerns about friendship issues. It might be thay they can find subtle ways to intervene.

I'd stop engaging with her mum though beyond 'oh really, that's nice'

It's worth speaking to the teacher - they can do quite a lot in terms of seating plans, partners, talking about friendship at circle time.

There's also a lot you can do with your DD to help her work on her assertiveness - and it sounds like it's time she took some control of this situation. She needs to be able to say 'no Sarah, I'm playing with Jenny today and if you go in the huff I will just ignore it.' She needs to be able to set her own boundaries. Practice this at home.

I think Sarah needs to be told your dad is getting a drum kit, pony, labradoodle, Boa constrictor, trip to Lapland, outdoor disco floor and tickets to Mars for Christmas 😁

*DD

I would def speak to the teacher. How many classes are there in the year? Could your dd or Sarah be moved? Or can you get a guaranty that when they mix up the classes next Sept, your dd and Sarah will be apart? What an awful pain Sarah sounds....but her ghastly parents are at the root of it.

We have a very similar issue although my DDs friend has been befriended by a "Sarah" and the "Sarah" is co trolling the friend to the same extent you describe. Slightly different the "Sarah" constantly tells the friend no one else likes her and tells my DD and others that she's the best friend and they aren't allowed to play together.

I agree though it stems from the parents The parents act the same way as you describe.

@LolalovesLondon sorry to hear that you dd has had these sort of dynamics as well. How did it affect her? I hope she's ok and happy in herself! thanks

Oh she’s great! She’s grown up now and she is a really good judge of character.
I definitely took the lead distancing her from dominating, jealous, undermining ‘friends’ when she was young. I remember talking to her a lot about why people behaved that way.
Strangely, egocentric or overindulged people often require constant validation. When others don’t buy into their idea of superiority they become angry, jealous and competitive. It must be absolutely exhausting trying to keep yourself and your children at the top.

I'd stop engaging with her mum though beyond 'oh really, that's nice'

This!

We have one of these. It's not quite as extreme as yours but it certainly could go that way.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things anyway to be honest. I tend to see it that sarah's mum must have low self esteem, hence why they act this way. It helps me channel the rage into pity.

I'd keep grey rocking, distancing and probably would have a word with teacher. Will they likely go to the same secondary school?

There always will be a 'Sarah'. You can't protect your daughter from meeting more of them, you need to work on her self esteem. Explain that reading a higher band books doesn't mean she is more intelligent, there are different sort of achievements. And most importantly, truly bright people never feel the need to compare their level with others

Snap! My DD (9yo) has always made friends easily and prefers a big group, or to buzz about between groups at playtime, online or at parties.

Her friend L keeps trying to pry her away from others, is forever composing special secret handshakes and games that only their ‘Club’ of two can play. She always gives DD gifts, to cement their ‘BFF’ or ‘Bestie’ status with each other. L can be quite sneaky and vindictive if DD dares not comply. DD has boy friends too, which L immediately turns into annoying narratives about ‘love’ and ‘crushes’ that spoil the games.

I’ve been vocal around L that we don’t do ‘BFFs’ in our family, that life is better if we mix it up, etc. I’ve become far more proactive with organising play dates with other kids and taking us all on outings (to counteract invitations from L). I’ve pushed (I admit it) DD into extra-curricular groups to dilute friendships more. Usually L convinces her parents to register her to DD’s activities, and then gets cross and sulky there too (since DD is ‘ahead’ on the activity).

It’s tricky and quite exhausting. L is an ok kid, but spoiled rotten. I can see where the bitchy high-school girls get their start when I see her in action, undermining her ‘best friend’ for the smallest ‘crime’.

I can tell you I’m rather tempted to put the word out that we’ll be home-schooling DD, to prevent L turning up at the same High School.

Watching this thread with interest for new strategies to try. Good luck, OP!

When DD says Sarah is in a higher reading band then say ‘good for her but let’s look at your reading as that’s what matters most to me’. That attitude filters down and your dd will start saying ‘good for you but I need to do my reading now’ etc. When the mother makes a beeline just be civil but don’t let her in. If she asks what you are doing/getting DD for Christmas then you aren’t sure yet if she makes boasts roll your eyes and say ‘wow bully for you!’

Thank you so much for all the helpful replies!

The tricky thing is that 'Sarah' is very clingy and runs after my dd at any opportunity. But when dd is not doing her bidding she gets a demonstrative cold shoulder. Also because Sarah is not quite so well liked by the other more strong minded girls they keep away from my dd when she’s playing with Sarah. Sarah does have redeeming qualities as well but is very domineering so there is little space for my daughter to express herself next to her.

Also this girl often puts my dd down in a patronising way.
E.g. she'll say I never do maths on weekends and my dd might say "I sometimes do" and Sarah replies "that's so silly to do maths on weekend".

Your responses have given me food for thought and I will try and treat this as an opportunity to support my daughter with her self confidence and firm boundaries. She has never said anything unkind to this girl but maybe she should learn to show that she doesn’t like it when Sarah brags.

It's not being unkind to put someone in their place when they're being a pain in the arse OP! It's about being assertive, having good self-esteem and good boundaries. Your DD doesn't have to grow up a Sarah-pleaser, who made her the boss?

There's a difference between being unkind and having boundaries OP.
Your little girl sounds sweet and has loads to offer a range of friends without being limited by what Sarah wants.

The other strong minded girls might not necessarily like Sarah, they could just be happier holding their own ground and find respite from Sarah when she's with your DD.

I would actually have a word with the teacher - although they've probably already noticed. My ds had a similar friend, although ds just let it wash over him tbh. By year 3 parent's evening, the teacher mentioned that he was separating them at every opportunity as it wasn't healthy for ds.

I would ease off playdates with Sarah as well.

Have a word with the teacher. DD’s ‘friend’ got to the point of copying everything dd did - musical instruments, hairstyle, food, music likes, ear piercing. Everything. It got a bit creepy.

I teach my kids what a good friend is, how you feel with a friend etc. I say anyone can have a bad day but if someone consistently isn't a good friend then distance yourself.

Doesn't mean fall out but play with the children that are kind, don't stop Sarah joining in if she asks, but also don't let Sarah change what the group is doing.

@Fckingfuming

I think Sarah needs to be told your dad is getting a drum kit, pony, labradoodle, Boa constrictor, trip to Lapland, outdoor disco floor and tickets to Mars for Christmas 😁

Agree. Tell Sarah's mum DD is having super special astronaut/steel drum/bagpipes lessons.

Aw your poor DD OP. I think this is quite common as I remember having a "best friend" like this in infants, although it was very short lived (and she ended up being one of the "popular" girls whereas I was fairly average, maybe she sniffed out early on that I wasn't popular girl material!).

I think speaking to the teacher is a good idea to encourage separate groups where possible, and as pp have said try and help your DD with some assertiveness skills. As others have said there will always be a "Sarah" though.

I actually feel a bit sorry for Sarah as she's clearly like this because of her parents, maybe she's a bit insecure underneath it?