Baby blues to PND? Help

[BullBailey]

Hello,

I have a newborn and I think my baby blues has been going on for too long....how do I stop it becoming PND?

I love my baby more than anything and love my time with him. But I find I cry at least once a day. Today, I got very upset watching a tv show where a fictional character gave birth. I was feeding at the time.I felt quite distressed recalling my DSs birth. I get upset because I’m tired, because I look awful, because I don’t seem to get 5 minutes to myself, because I see my colleagues careers going from strength to
Strength when mine is on hold, because I feel stressed at how many people want to visit when I just want time getting my confidence of being a mum increased.

But I’m so happy being a mum, I’m happy with my life, don’t feel depressed, have an amazing relationship with my husband (he is being really helpful and supportive).

Is this just extended baby blues? How do I get on top of it before if turns into PND? I am thinking getting outside a bit every day and keeping a healthy diet? The diet is hard because when I’m alone I struggle to sort good it DH has said he will batch cook my some soups and things. DS has colic so sleeps 2 hours max. I am expressing so DH can cover a feed or two but he works long hours in a dangerous job and I’m worried about him getting tired at work so trying to stop him from doing too much.

You are so tired!
Difficult to say if you have pnd or not tbh.
How old is your baby?
Could you make some time for yourself on your dps days off?

bless you. how old is the baby?

Baby is nearly 4 weeks. We keep making plans, but DS is very demanding of me. Sometimes he has all his expressed milk and still cries to feed with me so I have to go to him. We have tried to go for walks and last minute he will start crying and I end up breastfeeding for ages, then I cry and don’t want to walk by the time it’s all sorted. It’s like he knows when I want 5 minutes. He is the same at bed time, he seems to resist sleep, like he knows I want to get my head down too!

DH has suggest MIL watches him for an hit or two whilst I go out when DH is working hut I’m scared to put that on her in case he plays up. She has raised lots of kids but that was a long time ago and I don’t want to stress her out as her health isn’t great. My parents aren’t local.

*hour

Sorry, I shouldn’t have said ‘plays up’ of course he doesn’t, he is a newborn baby, but you get what I mean!

You sound exhausted. At 4 weeks I would advise stop making plans and take all the help you can. If you are worried about MIL being stressed, why not have her round for a few hours and you take a long shower and a nap. You'll be there if needed but get a break. It might reassure you a bit that you can go out in future.

Getting outside every day is a good idea. Try to have a little bag packed and replenish it when you come home so it's one less thing to do when you're trying to get out. Slings are good for that too. All else fails, wrap baby up warm and open the windows to get some fresh air in.

Congratulations on your baby boy. Sorry to hear you're struggling a little. I have said this before and will say to you... The NCT line that the baby blues only lasts two weeks is bollocks. I'm sure someone will tell you I'm wrong. My emotions and hormones after I had my DS were crazy for about two months. I wasn't depressed, I was hormonal, tired, bleeding still, trying to feel less guilty about giving up bf, working out how to be a mum whilst worrying about. every. little. thing.

You could definitely ask your mil even if it's in the same house so you can get a sleep. She could take him for a walk and you go for a nap that way you're not too far away. Do you think that would help?

Bless you, it’s so hard. My dd was exactly like this and I felt so low. She was my 4th so I thought I knew what I was getting into but colic is just awful. I spiralled down getting more and more low til she was a year when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I weaned her from the breast and started anti depressants and tbh I wish I had sooner. I stopped taking them after a few months as I suddenly felt much brighter but now she’s 18 months I’m struggling again and I have a phone consultation tomorrow (for something else) when I’m going to see about starting them again. She’s just such hard work. Fwiw, she has a cows milk allergy which took forever to diagnose despite my suspicions. It might be worth exploring if there’s a reason he’s so unsettled. Take all the help you can get. If your mil is happy to help, grab that with both hands. I wish someone would help us tbh. I feel a spiralling sense of despair that I do think is PND and I so wish I’d sought help sooner

grab MIL’s help with both hands! If she’s raised loads of kids I doubt yours will make her bat an eyelid

Thank you for your responses. I will talk to MIL and see what she thinks, I just worry as she has anxiety and I don’t want to add extra pressure to her. I want her and the rest of the grandparents to be there for the fun and not feel like they have to take on any responsibility.
Keeping a food diary to see if I am eating anything that might be upsetting his tummy

@NastyPeace it’s a comfort to hear you say that. I don’t feel like this is PND but everyone says baby blues only last a week or two, so it makes you question yourself!.

4 weeks is still so young and it's damn hard work in the early days. I have a 7 week old (DC2) so I get it!

In hindsight I think I had PND after DC1 was born but I buried my head in the sand a bit, I told myself it was normal to feel crap when I was so sleep deprived - which is absolutely true, but I think it was probably still PND.

First things first, consider whether there are any underlying issues making baby unsettled. Is the feeding ok - has baby been properly assessed for tongue tie by someone qualified to do it? Does baby have any symptoms that might suggest reflux and/or cow's milk protein allergy (CMPA)?

Secondly, take care of yourself. How was the birth? The fact that you got upset makes me wonder if it was traumatic? In most cases you can request a birth debrief which can be helpful.
You sound very reluctant to ask others for help - you say you don't want to ask too much of your partner and you want grandparents to have all fun and no responsibility. But you can still ask your partner to settle baby in the evening while you get an early night - even if you then do the night wakings and night feeds. And you can still ask MIL or another grandparent to come over and hold/cuddle the baby for half an hour while you have a shower in peace. Think about small ways other people can contribute and give you little bits of time to yourself. Martyring yourself won't be any help to anyone. I'm sure your partner wants to do what he can to parent his child and give you a break. And most grandmothers love to cuddle their grandchildren especially baby ones!

If you are still crying every day or most days by the time you have your 6-8 week check with the GP, please talk to the GP about your mental health. They should be able to discuss your options and you might not need antidepressants but it would be worth keeping an eye on it in case you do.

My local Mind is running online support for perinatal mental health, so maybe you could see if there's something similar where you are. And in most places you can self-refer for CBT, pregnant women and mums of young babies get priority on the waiting list.

My PIl used to come round or pick me up and take me to theirs and let me sleep while they watched DD. Once you sleep, it gets better. I also used to cry every day and it was so so hard but it did get better and the sleep helped.

@NameChange30 I don’t think my birth was that traumatic, 40 hours of labour, episiotomy and ventouse, but for some reason I feel distressed when I think about it. I was very panicky about the ventouse/forcepts being used as I was worried they would hurt DS but it wasn’t an issue in the end.

I don’t know why I don’t want to asK for help. Partly because I don’t want anyone else to feel stressed, but I also think I ha e it in my head that as mum I should be taking the brunt of it which is really stupid I know.

I had a small breakdown this morning as DS cried in a very distressed way and it really set me off. I will definitely flag it if it continues because I can’t be like this. I think it’s also hard because I used to spend a lot of time outdoors (my hobby and job) and was active. Now I’m mostly sat on the sofa or in bed and it’s affecting me mentally.

@zaffa I do need to make more effort to sleep if I can’t turn my brain off. But will try harder!

Well "traumatic" is a strong word and I struggle to use it to describe the first time I gave birth, because I feel that it wasn't bad enough to justify that description, but I certainly did feel a bit traumatised afterwards. For most of us, birth is an intense, difficult, painful and stressful experience. 40 hours of labour with an episiotomy and ventouse delivery would definitely be on the more difficult and stressful end of the scale in my book!
Anyway you know your experience and how it felt better than anyone, so if it's not an issue please ignore me, but I just wanted to say that if you do feel upset about it, that's ok and it's ok to get some support to process it if that's what you need or want.

Hang on in there. I feel the same about being stuck at home on the sofa, that's my life too atm and it's depressing. I need a good TV series to binge on...

I struggled too @BullBailey and even through PIL live DD almost as much as me , I was still terrified to leave her with them. At first I didn't even sleep, but I got to hand over the watching and nappy changing and feeding for an hour or so and it helped. And then I could see she was ok and only in the next room and eventually I felt comfortable enough to fall asleep.

My DM also came to stay for a couple of weeks and she would make me food and tea and clean the house so all I had to do was just focus on DD and that helped too. I was so anxious and tired and weepy, and actually even now if I have rubbish sleep my anxiety starts to creep up but I recognise the symptoms now.

I didn't want to tell anyone how I felt, DH told the HV because he was worried and they did some extra check ins with me / nothing else untoward and didn't even need anything from them in the end but I think they had it on their radar to keep an eye on me so I got some extra visits. That helped too because when I started to get a bit better and they said how well I was doing it boosted my confidence.

Good luck OP, I know how hard it is. I really hope you start to feel a bit better soon but if you don't, please ask for some help from someone x

I had ‘baby blues’ which edged into PND/A around 6 weeks, I had a very difficult birth (long back to back labour, episiotomy, forceps, shoulder dystocia resulting in injury to me and baby and then a couple of hours after this my granny died). I used to cry hysterically at the mere mention of labour or birth on the radio/tv. I spoke to my maternity unit who organised a birth reflection where I went and spent time with a midwife and consultant going through my notes and explaining what had happened and why and I found this massively helpful as it ordered things in my head. The consultant also advised I speak to my GP and organised talking therapy/medication as I was having bad flashbacks and nightmares. My GP was amazing and organised these for me very quickly.
I also was very reluctant to ask for help as I felt I should be doing everything but please do it totally takes a village to raise a child. My in-laws or auntie would come over a couple of times per week and give me a couple of hours to have a long bath/nap etc. I used to worry about baby ‘playing up’ for them too but they don’t care they just want to spend time with their new grandchild and like they used to say it’s for such a short space period of time.
Do you have a sling? If baby is colicky they can do wonders strap them in after a feed then you can get out for a walk around the block or get a few bits done in the house hands free.
It’s super hard at the minute too with the covid shit show but dependent on your area see if there is anything running. Iv got a 3 months old and having a very different mat leave than I did 5 years ago with my first but I have managed to find one breastfeeding support/new mum cafe at a local play cafe and it’s nice to meet other people who are in the same boat. Totally get your DH to leave you a packed lunch or batch cooked food this helps massively and mine makes me a thermos cup of tea in the morning with a cereal bar/banana type breakfast snack so I have something or I would easily go for ages with nothing.
I went back to work when DC1 was 9 months and got a promotion quite quickly after going back so try not to worry about things like that enjoy your baby snuggles and the rest will pick back up when the time is right and it is possible even if it doesn’t feel like it at the minute. You sound like you have a fab support system make the most of them and you are doing a fab job please be kind to yourself

Can I also ask about ‘scary thoughts’? I know they are normal and common, but when do they go away?

I envision him being hurt every day. Me dropping him, falling down the stairs, accidentally hurting the soft bit in his head...I know these thoughts are common but I hate them, when do they stop?

Sorry you are feeling like this.
I went through it too (my eldest is nearly 20), & it did get better.

I would say take all the help you are offered, & don't be afraid to ask. I used to think it was all on me because I was the mum, but when you're so tired, & hormonal, & recovering from pregnancy & birth you do need to give yourself a break.

I used to have the thoughts you describe, & I agree, it is horrible. Please, please try to call your GP or HV for a chat. I hope that idea isn't scary. No one will take your baby away from you but you need a bit of help to get through this. They may be able to point you in the direction of support groups or telephone counselling.

On a practical level, both mine were colicky & cried all the time. I used to feed them, throw on some clothes (once, over my pjs just to save time!), put them in the pram & walk. If they cried we went out anyway & they settled quickly with the movement.

This will get better but please don't think you have to do it alone. The sooner you ask for help, the better.

Also, I know it's probably nigh-on impossible to meet other mums right now due to covid, but if there's any oppprtunity at all, even online, that might help. Just having some contact with other adults can be helpful.

Wishing you well.