Dilemma work travel leaving 3 month old

[CrickeyCumbria]

Hi Guys,

Losing quite a bit of sleep on this one and wanted to reach out.

Covid has meant that, like many others my finances have taken a hit.

I am freelance and one of my contacts has got in touch and asked me if I can do a job that includes 12 days abroad, I can’t take my daughter with me and she will be 3 months old.

I can leave her with my mother who I trust implicitly but I still feel like I may mentally scar my daughter in some way or that she will not cope without me well. That said mum is amazing with her and her father will do a few days with her here and there. I’m also scared she might reject me when I come home.

Under normal circumstances there is no way I would take the job, I wasn’t planning to work again until next year but I’m scared that if I turn this down it will mean that I get written out of any future opportunities and also it seems quite quiet out there so worried that if I don’t take it not a lot is coming my way and I obviously want to be able to provide well for my family.

My breast milk seems to be coming to an end, but that’s a whole different story so she is mainly bottle fed with a bit of breast here and there.

Any advice would be appreciated

Please don’t troll me for this, trust me I’m in turmoil...

Xx

"Indiscriminate Attachment
Between 6 weeks of age to 7 months, infants begin to show preferences for primary and secondary caregivers. Infants develop trust that the caregiver will respond to their needs. While they still accept care from others, infants start distinguishing between familiar and unfamiliar people, responding more positively to the primary caregiver."
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337

In light of the above, I think it would be best to leave baby with the "secondary caregiver", which is presumably the father given that you are in a relationship, living together and he is hopefully parenting his child?

Why can't he look after baby while you're away - can he take time off work?

I travelled for work once when my son was 2 years old and he never noticed! He had so much fun with my MiL. It feels worse before you leave - once you are on the road it is much easier.

Hi everyone.

Lots of comments about not leaving her with my husband for the duration.

He’s a wonderful father and really hands on, he’s done almost every 4am feed since she was born and adores her, engages with her constantly, sings to her, plays with her, bathes her, changes nappies etc. Etc.

However, it’s the calm mothering warmth that I’m worried about her missing while I’m away, as wonderful as he is, I find him much better for making her laugh and playing with her, but not necessarily as in tune to her emotions as I am, my mother offered and she is the closest thing to me that my baby could have and extremely nurturing.

The reason he won’t be there for the duration is because he works and my parents live at the other end of the country. He will driver her there, stay for a few days to help mum, then go back to work and then at the other end drive back there and stay for the last few days before I would get home... no shirking of responsibilities.

Thanks everyone for the continued input, really helpful hearing different perspectives.

X

But your mum can't replace you, no one can. So the next best thing is a caregiver who already has a bond with her, which is him.

He’s her dad! That’s actually a bit of a slap in the face to his parenting skills.

I couldn't have coped at that age. I wouldn't have been able to work and would've come home probably on day 2. If you think you can handle it then go, she will be fine.

I think that’s a little offensive to your husband, if you can’t be there then it should be him, not your mother.
She wouldn’t notice at three months, but I don’t think I could do it. But then I am 14 months down the line and haven’t left my little boy yet!

It would clearly be better for a young baby to stay with an attached parent than going to stay with someone they don't know well. Surely her dad doesn't want to be separated from her without need?

Surely it would be better if your mother came to stay with your husband, and cared for the baby while he was at work. If your mother lives at the other end of the country , how much has she actually cared for your baby? Maybe get dad to do more in the run up to you going so baby is used to him?

I wouldnt personally. And I would expect my partner to leave our child with me first instead of the child's grandparent

If I was your husband, I'd be hugely offended that you didn't think I was good enough to look after my own child!

Personally in covid times I would only fly if baby and other family member could come along. Air corridors have been shut with very little notice and 12 days sounds hard, but it could easily become a month.

Is there no scope to do the work remotely? All our business travel has been cancelled for the year.

Honestly if you'd rather leave your child with your mum than her own father there's a bigger issue there.