hi all,
I have name changed as not everyone in my life knows about this.
I am 24 years old and just under 5 years ago I think I was sexually assaulted by my ex boyfriend but I'm really not sure.
background story;
we met when I was 17 and were together about a year. he was nice enough at the beginning although always a bit arrogant. throughout our relationship he got steadily worse. used to criticise the way I looked, put me down a lot and cheated on me. eventually we broke up. we have/had several mutual friends as we worked together. he is 2 years older than me. stupidly, I slept with him on occasion after we broke up. this stopped after I met someone else.
fast forward to a year later;
im now single again. it was one of our mutual friends birthdays. I was not out with them initially but at the end of the night met up with mutual friend to say happy birthday and walk home as we lived in the same area. ex boyfriend was there. we had recently put a lot of our problems behind us and agreed to move forward as friends. he apologised for the way he had treated me and said he had learned from it and wouldnt treat someone like that again. this is where it gets a bit trickier for me to put my thoughts in order.
on the walk home, mutual friend suddenly disappeared. ex boyfriend lives in a different direction to me. it was 3am and pitch black. I said to ex boyfriend why has mutual friend vanished, we are walking in the same direction, I dont want to walk on my own at this time in the dark all the way, would you mind walking me. he says oh I really cant be bothered, but I tell you what why dont I ring you a cab and I'll chuck you some money if you dont have any. I had no reason not to trust him and his house was only 2 minutes away from where we were. went back to his and rang several cab companies. all saying up to an hour so I booked one who said they would ring once outside. I was starting to get a really bad headache at this point, ex got me a glass of water. I said to him I'm just going to have a lay down and shut my eyes whilst I wait because I really dont feel too good. he says why dont you just stay, I said no I just want my own bed and it would feel well too weird. he says why, we are just friends now after all and I just said no again. I lay down and shut my eyes, he lays next to me and starts saying all this stuff how I'm his kryptonite, I'm not really listening at this point. I remember the pain of my head and blacking out. when I came round my tights and skirt were down and he was trying to do stuff. I jumped up and just ran out the house, I dont even remember getting home.
he rang me constantly immediately after. saying sorry. saying he knows he should of taken me home and put me to bed. that hes sorry he tried to sleep with me. but to answer the phone and let him explain, he wont lie. I ask him to leave me alone. the following day he turns up at my house asking to apologise and could we go for a drive. I told him if he came near my house I would tell my step dad and that I dont trust him anymore. I didnt go to the police because I was told by a relative i didnt have any/enough evidence and woulsnt be believed.
I have not long had a daughter and all my feelings surrounding this event have come to the front again. he is out there in my hometown mingling with people I know and doing motivational speeches etc. like he is this great guy whereas I have started to get this deep feeling of rage that he tried/did that to me with no consequence. I dont know how to move forward or what to do.
have I blown this up in my mind? or have I actually done the opposite and let my 20 year old self down?