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3 friends/ jealousy

21 replies

gessi · 22/10/2020 20:13

Dear all,
My 7 years old girl is going through a tough time with her 2 close friends. The 2 are now very close to each other and she feels left out. One has even said to her mum that she does not want to be my daughters friend anymore. My daughter is hurt, she sees them having attentions for each other, sometimes they do not even want her with them and her reactions in front of this are very aggressive (too much indeed= screams, cry, insults). So, We are going to organise a playdate with all 3 of them. How to start a conversation with the 3 girls to understand whats going on and how to solve this? Pls advice!! Thanx,
Gessi

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Sunnydaysstillhere · 22/10/2020 20:18

Ime you need to find a fourth friend...
My dd is 31 and ime 3 never works well.
Is there another girl you could encourage dd to play with?

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thebear1 · 22/10/2020 20:27

Much as it is painful for you and your dd you can't make other children like her or want to play with her. You can talk to her about feelings and trying to make new friends but you can't resolve this one for her.

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parrotonthesofa · 22/10/2020 20:28

How do you know one of the girls told her mum that she didn't want to be friends with your dd anymore?? Did the mum tell you? This is v odd.
In this situation, I would be trying to get my dd to distance from the other two and trying to encourage friendships with other children. I would not organise a play date with the two that are leaving her out.

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Spied · 22/10/2020 20:34

I'd be encouraging other friendships.
As pp stated it's very odd the mother told you what her DD had said. It sounds like she's stirring trouble.
Rather than a playdate with these 2 other girls (they'll put on a show for you and still leave out your DD when you're not around after this playdate) I'd a arange s playdate with a different child altogether who your DD enjoys to the company of but who isn't part of the little clique.

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gessi · 23/10/2020 07:30

yes.. I do organise playdates with other friends all the time. Even too much for my liking! However, since these 3 r in the same class, I would like to resolve it a bit for the peace at school at least. Teachers are also involved...

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slashlover · 23/10/2020 07:41

My daughter is hurt, she sees them having attentions for each other, sometimes they do not even want her with them and her reactions in front of this are very aggressive (too much indeed= screams, cry, insults).

Your DD insults and screams at them and is aggressive because they don't want to play with her?

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gessi · 23/10/2020 07:54

yes she screams at them when she is left out...horrible...

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TripleSeptic · 23/10/2020 08:32

Who is "we are going to organise a play date"

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Newgirls · 23/10/2020 08:35

Focus on other friends and hopefully this one will calm down naturally and become less intense. End of term tiredness won’t help and I’d leave it in all honesty.

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TripleSeptic · 23/10/2020 08:36

Posted too soon, the other parents? You and your partner? You and your child? That's relevant.

3 never works.

Screaming and aggressive behaviour doesn't work either. At 7, your daughter should know better. Yes, it's an upsetting situation, but "aggressive" isn't an endearing quality.

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Bluntness100 · 23/10/2020 08:37

This is so hard, she’s little and obviously struggling to manage the situation which is to be expected, but screaming and insulting them will obviously just make them pull away from her more.

Have you talked to her about how to react, how to try to control her temper, and things she can do to achieve that, and explained that by doing this she is basically making it worse, but in words she can understand?

I think there is a proper falling out on the horizon, she can’t bully them into being her mate, which is not her intention but what she’s trying to do, because she doesn’t understand. I think talking to her, giving her exercise and guidance on how to control herself and her reactions will go a long way here.

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gessi · 23/10/2020 09:27

The playdate is organised by us mums (the 3 of us) ..we will try to make the girls talk about their feelings and see how we can help.

I know my daughter`s reaction is not acceptable.
And this is what I am focussing on (we started also a therapy with a psychologist) However, the other 2 saying to her: "u cannot sit here with us" is not either..she is also being bullying this way..

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Hiccupiscal · 23/10/2020 10:21

You are all far too involved.
Your daughter needs to learn and deal with rejection, these things happen.
We have all been children, and I don't think any adult can honestly say they were not victims of some kind of "we don't want to be your friend" situation.

You cannot force these children to be friends. As PP said, all they'll do is put on a show for you, and then reject your daughter anyway. Prehaps even more so as the resentment of being forced builds.

Of course it is unacceptable if your daughter is being bullied by these children, but it sounds more like they don't like your daughter, and don't want to play with her, and as horrible as that feels to you and your daughter, that cannot be changed or forced.

I would strongly recommend that your find your daughter a 4th friend, or encourage other friendship groups/children - teach her the skills to cope with rejection, appropriate behaviour and to create and form new friendships.

Children's circles change and form all the time, these two girls leaving your daughter out may not last, but forcing an issue will only drive them together and make life worse for your daughter.

I hope this isn't coming across harsh, I understand how awful it is to see your child hurting and not feeling welcome, but please take this as an opportunity for growth for her, rather than a negative.

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Newgirls · 23/10/2020 11:09

Three adults trying to guide three kids to get on sounds really stressful for the kids. They will just try and avoid saying what they really feel.

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Fastforwardtospring · 23/10/2020 11:14

In our antenatal group, the mums forged some very strong friendships, and the DC loved seeing each other when they were little, 2 DC went to same school, same class, they have grown apart, it’s really sad but us mums can’t make the DC best friends, in my experience the more you push the more resistance there will be.

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VettiyaIruken · 23/10/2020 11:19

Kids don't have to be friends. It isn't fair to try to force them. a forced friendship is a fake friendship. Do you think they'll behave better towards your daughter if you team up with the other parents and teachers to force them to act like friends?

It would be better to help your daughter make other friends rather than try to force this friendship.

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Bluntness100 · 23/10/2020 14:55

How have you tried to help her make other friends op? How does she interact with other kids? What opportunities is she given?

The other posters are right, you can’t force kids to be friends, it doesn’t work like that, any more than it works like that with adults. Kids are even more temperamental and stubborn too. They will behave on a play date if the adults are watching, but that doesn’t mean they will all be best buddies after.

The other two girls are behaving in a way to exclude your daughter. However if she’s been abusive you can understand why, as adults we would teach our kids to walk away if someone abuses you. And if friends don’t want you hanging round you don’t force yourself on them.

None of the kids have behaved well, but they are kids, and that’s to be expected. Your daughter is hurt, and sadly groups of three often turn into groups of two, particularly if one doesn’t play so nicely.

I’m not sure therapy is the answer, but talking to her about how to treat people, how to behave in social situations, and trying to help her make other friends could be the way forward.

It is highly likely unless your daughter is super lovely on thr play date that it will push the three of them further apart. Due to the way she reacts, and the feelings between the three of them, the play date is a very risky strategy.

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EmbarrassedUser · 23/10/2020 19:24

@gessi

yes she screams at them when she is left out...horrible...

And you’re wondering why they don’t want to be her friend?......
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Tiktaktoe · 24/10/2020 08:46

The 2 girls are not bullying your child. Your child is bullying and aggressive towards them.
I don't know why the other girls mums are playing along with you because I would not want my daughter anywhere near a child who behaved like your daughter does.
Leave the girls alone and concentrate on helping your child.

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Newbeginningsnow · 24/10/2020 08:52

I feel for your DD. Mine is part of a group of three and I just know it’s going to get ugly.

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SnoozyBoozy · 24/10/2020 08:56

@Sunnydaysstillhere

Ime you need to find a fourth friend...
My dd is 31 and ime 3 never works well.
Is there another girl you could encourage dd to play with?

I agree with this, 3 is never a good number in friendships. You can't force them to be friends, I would start looking for other friends and having playdates with different children.

The getting angry isn't going to help either, although she's still quite little and trying to learn how to deal with rejection. She needs to move away from these 2 girls.
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