To be disgusted with dsis re: abusive relationships

[raisal]

Dsis1 is in a long term abusive relationship. Not physical but emotional. She lives very far from us and had kept it hidden. We all thought she was quite happily married until a few years ago when she suddenly told us how she really felt.

It was a massive shock to our family as you can imagine and we told her that we would support her and her children as much as we could if she left him which is what we wanted her to do.

She is still with him and is scared to leave as she is worried about supporting herself and kids on her own. She has never worked and has always been a sahm. She is worried about taking her children across the other side of the country and a whole host of.woeries and apprehensions.

We have recently urged her to consider leaving and we have told her we would support her financially initially for a few months, sort out housing etc until she's on her own two feet.

However she still isn't sure and doesn't have the confidence to leave.

Dsis2, our other sister is of the opinion that she doesn't have a right to complain about her life because she is choosing not to leave her husband. She is choosing this decision despite all the help she is being offered and therefore she is stupid and it's her fault now if she stays and she has no right to complain. Lots of people leave abusive partners, why can't you? Because she's thick.

Is this what some people think of people who stay in abusive relationships?!

Yes. Confident, brash types who have no experience or empathy. Tell her to read up on domestic abuse before she says anything more.

Domestic abuse wears away at you until you have no confidence and struggle to make even basic decisions without ‘approval’ let alone major life decisions. It’s horribly sad but not surprising when people struggle to leave.

Your other sister doesn’t truly understand the mental state that these men get women into. It’s like a dark witchcraft and honestly very very hard to just ‘break’ yourself out of.

Tell her to woman up and muster some compassion for your poor other sister.

Dsis2 is an ignorant twat. But perhaps needs educating

Honestly I wish I could just shake her and tell her please leave you can do it! But it's not getting through. We (the rest of the family) feel so helpless and frustrated but to tell her to her face that its now just her fault as she's choosing to stay is just horrific. I honestly had no words when she told me.

Did she actually tell her that? Or just tell you that?

I wasn't there but she actually told her that.

Your sis is petrified of the break could u maybe make a plan with her for u to visit for a week help her pack organise secretly when he's at work over the week obviously depending on the restrictions atm but that when she is leaving she's not going on her own have arrangements in place of where she's going to and staying and repeat this enough in a way she can imagine what she's going to.
emotional abuse not that it's worse that physical coz it's not but it takes longer to wear down a person and they then feel they're worthless and rely on the abuser for everything and won't see a life without them because of how they've been treated.
Main thing is she sees it for herself now so she just needs that nudge or pull to get her away.
As for your other sister she's totally wrong because she doesn't understand wat ur sis is going through but she's maybe fed up of offering help and hearing of everyone else offering and listening to everyone talking about it because they're worried that she's fed up ni because she's still with him in her eyes there's nothing more that can be done.
But please don't give up on her sis leaving him she's opened up told how she's being treated she needs someone to take her out of it it's harder coz she's at other end of country from her family.
Ever think y is she so far away coz it suited him for her to have no one Close by
Hope u get things sorted op

OMG. That is utterly heartbreaking. Tell your dsis1 that nobody else thinks like that and your other dsis2 is totally wrong. Tell her she's normal and what she has in front of her is HARD, that you understand. All the things said on this thread and that you've mentioned.

And say them a lot. Get other family members to say them too. It takes about 5 positive comments to counterbalance a single negative one in normal times. In dsis1 situation with those comments I can imagine it would be many, many more.

To have actually said these things to dsis1 is unbelievably cruel. I'd tell dsis1 to block dsis2 if possible. I would find it hard to have anything to do with dsis2 for quite a while. She's actively made it harder for her sister to leave an abusive relationship, meaning her sister will be abused for longer. If she's normally considerate then I'd be telling her she behaved like a callous bitch and needs to take it all back urgently. If she's not normally considerate I'd tell say something about it to her and then stay away.

DeKraai she is usually the type who *says it like it is" . She is quite bossy and can be quite abrupt with people however this was at another level.

Your sisters probably made things a lot worse

Your other sister needs support and love, and lots of it.

There might be a clue there as to why your sister is conditioned to be in an abusive relationship

As someone who managed to leave after a long time living with emotional and physical abuse, may I give you some advice?

Once she has confided, she will be feeling a mixture of relief but also guilt. She will be terrified while her conditioned mind can only think of bad scenarios - it is what she has been conditioned to expect and deserve. She knows her life is not right and she wants it to be different -though first and foremost what she wants is for HIM to change - it takes a long time for her to accept that this is solely his responsibility.
She wants to be seen as a person first, not a victim - there will be times when she feels she can talk about it, but being questioned or put on the spot feels like emotional abuse all over again. Treat her as your sister first and foremost, though you may be thinking about what has been going on let her bring it up, talk about other things. Be there as you always have, she does not want to feel any more abnormal than she already does. Take care not to give signals about your worries to her partner, she may then feel it is safer to cut herself of from you.

She knows that the practical help is there for her when she is ready - help your other sister understand that she needs emotional support too,