Non-judgemental advice for older mum

[WheelsOffTheBus]

I posted this on the postnatal board but it is very quiet over there.

I don't know where to start and I guess I'm just reaching out to see if anyone out there has felt similar to me. Hoping for some non-judgemental advice.

I had my first baby this year, and she was born on my 41st birthday. Life circumstances meant I didn't meet my husband until later in life and so that's just how it happened for me. Before the baby, I was a very sporty, fit and healthy "young" 40 year old, and my DH is also younger than me. Overall, mentally I felt fit and full of vitality. I had a tough pregnancy made worse with the pandemic, and a c-section and my baby is now 4months old. Various issues with my c-section wound meant i wasn't up and about very soon. I realise I'm still in the recovery phase, although it's hard not to feel like I'm not making progress when all the stuff you read quotes "6 weeks" as being the recovery time.

Anyway, I love my baby and happy to have her, but I am feeling really rubbish within myself. A lot of it is rooted in my self esteem and how I look and feel and losing my "attractiveness". I know that sounds very shallow. I have suddenly aged what feels like 15 years. My hair has started going properly grey, and I have noticeably way more wrinkles and lines on my face. I have 2 stone of weight extra compared to my pre-pregnancy weight which really ages me, and my body is looking awful in the mirror. I'm still wearing massive sweat pants and due to semi lockdown there's little incentive to make an effort, but I find myself glad that I don't have to socialise as I'd feel embarrassed for people to see how much I've aged and put on weight.

When I get out of bed in the morning I feel about 80 - my joints are incredibly sore since the pregnancy and I've had terrible back pain. I'm no longer able to do any yoga due up my c-section, which I used to do every day and high impact exercise is also impossible. I wanted to swim but due to Covid it's not possible and walking is ok but I find I can't power walk like I used to with the baby and so I find it boring and don't go as long as I could.

In the evenings I've started drinking wine (not breast feeding as wasn't able to) and having one or two glasses most evenings which I know is a terrible idea. I just feel exhausted at the end of the day and like there's nothing to look forward to and a glass of wine gives me a momentary feeling if reward I suppose.

I feel like this lockdown (Tier 3) is the ideal time to invest in myself and lose weight as well as find a way to sort out my hair and my skin, but in reality every day is just a monotonous blur. Again I know it sounds so shallow when what's important is that I have a gorgeous baby and she is doing well. But if I'm honest I want to feel like myself and just having the baby is not enough. I feel like a blob.

Are there any older mums out there who have felt something similar? Is there anything I can do to help myself? Did you ever get back to feeling like you, abs feeling like you had your vitality back? Or is this it?

I was only 35 when I had my 3rd (also caesarean) but he didn't sleep and it hit me hard - by age 38 (when he still wasn't sleeping) I also felt 80, everything hurt (joints mainly especially hips), at one point I couldn't wear shoes because of foot pain. I could barely get up if I lay on this floor next to his bed when he wouldn't sleep unless holding on to me. I was also eating sugary foods to compensate for the exteme sleep deprivation.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that I feel better, healthier and younger now inmy mid 40s than I did then at 38.

You will get yourself back - it doesn't only take 6 weeks though. The old saying is"9 months there, 9 months back" and that's only true for completely uncomplicated pregnancy and birth and babies who sleep...

A wise older friend of mine with 5 kids said to give yourself until they are at preschool, then get on it

Seriously, 4 months is nothing, but you will get yourself back in time.

Hello. I had my first baby at 35 and my second at 40. I’m 45 now.

4 months is a really short time. I certainly wasn’t firing on all cylinders by that time after eight baby. I also had c-sections and I was lucky with recovery but it’s a big thing your body has been through.

Having a baby is a massive change in so many ways. The sleep deprivation alone was a killer. I found the adjustment from being a professional at work to struggling to change nappies without my son weeing all over himself really hard.

I did have PND though - do you think you might?

So yes It sounds like what you’re experiencing is normal. But that doesn’t make it easy when you’re going through it.

My honest advice is to cut yourself some slack.

If the extra 2 stone bothers you then make some changes to your diet. But imo nearly everyone is in baggy pants after lockdown.

Take care xx

Eight = either

Oh and yes I feel like me. An older me. But still me :)

Oh it's early days!!
I fell pregnant with my first at 23. I didn't just 'spring back' after six weeks. Yes my body did sort it's self out fairly quickly and I didn't age as such. My body was stronger and more elastic in those days, I was better prepared physically for pregnancy and early years and that's nature. My tummy was flat again and I looked almost as before by first bday.
Subsequent 30something pregnancy has been harder to recover from. It is taking much more work but that is to be expected, i'm older now.
At 40+ I am not surprised your body is not what it was pre pregnancy but it is still very early days. You have been through a lot and it's hard work, having a baby around. You have time to get back to a comfortable body shape, your hair will grow back (if it's falling out- mine did!). But be prepared never to go back fully to how you were, that's motherhood.
My baby is now 8 months and I am only just starting to slim down (I put on almost 2 stone). But yes I look worse in general, sudden beginnings of crows feet and suspect a thicker waist is here to stay.
Just do what you can to be healthy but don't put too much pressure on yourself, take care of baby and there's going to be plenty of time to get fit and glam again.
I found with my eldest that once she was 3 and I had more time to myself, I became more my own person again.

Firstly, congratulations on your baby!

Secondly, please don't beat yourself up. The first few months with a newborn, particularly your first, are bloody exhausting and I remember wanting nothing more than a glass of wine too (although I was BF-ing, so couldn't bloody have it!). So just accept that whatever you've eaten or drunk these past few months is a done deal and move on.

Do you take a joint supplement? If you don't, I'd start taking one if you're feeling stiff and creaky. Many people find Omega-3 oil is helpful and it won't do you any harm. It's also good for brain, eye and heart health. Stretching is also really good if you're feeling stiff and achy. If you go on YouTube and look at Yoga with Adrienne - she has several yoga stretch workouts. There are also specific stretch workouts for postpartum women. Just taking 10 or 15 mins a day to stretch out your body should help.

As for exercise, do you have a jogging stroller? I didn't do this, but I see mums in my local park all the time either brisk walking or running those really lightweight, 3-wheeler strollers, while their babies either nap or just enjoy the view. IME you have to find something that works for your new life with a baby and if swimming is off the menu for now then walking/running is at least sustainable with Covid restrictions. Could you download either some interesting podcasts to listen to or some good music that would make walking less dull?

I don’t think any of what you’ve said is different to what most mums feel like - and please don’t fall into the trap of thinking wanting to be something as well as a mum makes you selfish.

Congratulations on your baby, you are important too!