Had a lady ring me this morning to talk over psychological therapy . I’ve had mental health issues since I was sixteen, had a horrendous breakdown Jan 2019, overdosed, and been on a waiting list since then .
Someone finally phoned today, talked to me for an hour and a half and I feel almost worse after getting off the phone . She was very kind and no judgment but I feel as if all my problems are suddenly absolutely massive - and hopeless .
She asked if I have friends, family to talk to, a partner, a pet, a job, any interests, hobbies, things I do to pass the time .
I have none of those things . I spend all day every day on the fucking internet, or eating . I don’t have family that like each other enough to want to talk .
I’ve never had friends, a partner, or anything . I was just bullied at school, ignored at university and at work . I’ve always felt the odd one out and have a nagging feeling that I’m ‘not normal’ and not wanted . Even online it follows me around .
She was very kind, lady on the phone, but said likely another wait for any actual help and said it might be just that they offer four sessions of guided self help . Might not be severe enough for anything else . I’m not sure what you have to do to be severe or entitled to help .
Part of me thinks it isn’t worth bothering with even trying as it will only come back worse . I’ve had mental health stuff for years, I’ve been helped before and inevitably it’s just come back worse . This time won’t be any different .
I’m so twisted up inside and angry at myself and so lonely and sad and hurting . She’s the first person to to be willing talk to me, and listen, in two years. What does that say about me, there must be something fundamentally unlikable .
She said they suspect I might be autistic hence why things keep coming back but that makes feel worse, as if things will never get better and I’ll always feel awkward and alone .
I don’t know what to do or where to go with all this . NHS seems to have suddenly decided I need help as they’ve phoned twice today, four times in the last week, but I think that’s only because I’ve started having panic attacks too now, and told them I’m too exhausted of things to carry on . I don’t know what to do any more .