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Original poster

Struggling with DH working away- how do you cope?

19 replies

ThePerfectRose · 20/10/2020 17:57

If you have a partner who works away a lot how do you cope with it?

I am finding things difficult with DH being away most of the week Monday- Thursday. My little girl (2) is very demanding and I feel increasingly stressed and quite lonely.

I’m lucky that hopefully it is short term and we will be relocating soon nearer his work but I honestly feel like I can’t go another week sometimes.

I see lots of threads on here about women who seem to do it effortlessly or just get on with it, I feel like a failure because that’s just not me. The house is a state and I feel like a crap Mum.

Anyone else in the same situation?

OP posts:

CanIGoHomeNowPlease · 20/10/2020 18:04

Routine routine routine.....

It’s hard but you can do this! My husband works away Monday to Thursday. We have 2 children. Our two are now 7 and 5.

Make sure you set a hard and firm bedtime and make sure your child is in bed so you get some you time to decompress every evening.

Can you get any childcare before your little girl is 3?

I would have said go to lots of playgroups but that’s not possible right now.

I used to do 1 thing out of the house a day. We used to go out in the morning then back for lunch, nap and then a small dog walk in the afternoon... but of play, tv, bath and then bed. 7:30pm I was back downstairs and watching crap/decompressing.

Routine is your friend xx

KindergartenKop · 20/10/2020 19:49

Don't have too high standards. Don't cook perfect meals every night, ready meals and frozen food is fine! When he is home make sure he takes DD out for most of a weekend day to let you relax and do any chores you couldn't in the week. Make sure he's pulling his weight. Get a cleaner too if you can afford it.

AnnaMagnani · 20/10/2020 19:53

DH, who admittedly only has cats and not children to look after, appears to cope by having incredibly low standards.

I cope by ignoring this. Plus mandatory Skype every night.

Cloudybean · 20/10/2020 19:56

I agree with routine, and also for me it was accepting I couldn't do it all, but didn't need to! I worked full time and DH was away every Sunday night to Friday afternoon, from the 2 weeks after DS was born and paternity leave finished, up until he was 2. He works away a lot now, but not every week and usually just 3 nights which is good!

DS was in childcare 3 days a week and family had him 2 days, obviously this meant doing all night wake ups alone, morning routine and evening routine, but I did get a 'break', albeit was working. The house was what I would call hygienic but messy, I would prioritise the kitchen, bathroom and nursery and the other rooms I would Hoover when I could but not get too worked about it. Washing I just did altogether when the basket was full, and if the washing up didn't get done then it would get done the next day. It's challenging at the moment because we are restricted around socialising and groups aren't we, but if you can make a rough rota for yourself it might help, so morning walk, crafts after lunch or whatever, and don't be afraid of popping something on the TV if it keeps her occupied! At weekends when he is home you need to make sure you get an actual break, as in going out or having a bath etc- but ideally out of the house for a change of scenery. And try and make time for eachother too, even if it's just him cooking one evening and watching a film together.

BrizNiz · 20/10/2020 20:02

My DH used to work away a lot and I also found it lonely. So for me, it was always about organising play dates and meeting friends as much as possible. I'm not sure what tier you are in at the moment, so I'm not sure if that's possible.
Also key is making sure you've got some time for yourself at the weekend. Even if it's just a long bath.

Original poster

ThePerfectRose · 20/10/2020 20:14

Thank you all, really appreciate the comments. Sounds like some of you have it a lot harder than me too! I wish I could stay more positive (snacking and lack of exercise is definitely not helping my mood!)

I actually work 3 days a week, I work from home which is lovely but the only real life person I have spoken to today is my 2 year old and the nursery staff. Which seems crazy!

I think what gets me down is the waking up in the morning and just knowing I won’t get a break all day. She’s usually quite good with going to bed but tonight it took an hour and a half! I hate snapping at her but I have this evening just because I have no energy.

Dinner this evening was fish fingers with some pasta ( from the toddler approved list) and I could barely even ‘cook’ that as she was clinging to my leg screaming.

DH is amazing when he’s here, he does his fair share and more really. But because I need a break when he’s back, he’s looking after DD so we don’t get any time together. We definitely need to plan a date night this weekend I think.

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 20/10/2020 20:20

Use any sort of help that you can afford. If you can afford a cleaner, having your washing/ironing done then do it.

It's really important that when you do see each other, you are together and not just mopping the floor or mowing the lawn. On the other hand he shouldn't just be a Disney dad!

We have an absolute routine nailed down. Definitely plan a date night in yours.

Cloudybean · 20/10/2020 20:24

It's not a competition OP, it's okay to feel however you feel, it is hard! In honesty I found the key to cooking was stuff I liked (being mindful of salt etc) and then I didn't feel like it was a waste of effort if he didn't want much . I also found batch cooking some pasta sauce etc helped so it was super easy in the evenings, basically anything to make life easier...and frozen veg so whatever I did for him I could bung some in the microwave for 2 mins.

Definitely make time for eachother, we struggled to strike a balance and were sort of passing ships when when he was back, so every Saturday we would make sure to do something- not always going out, but takeaway, film and early night once DS was in bed, it really made a difference.

DialsMavis · 20/10/2020 20:27

I cope because my children are older, when they were young we relocated nearer to DHs work, now they are older he does a longer commute again as living where he worked didnt suit us anymore.

Get all the help you can whether it's paid for or via family.

WhatHaveIFound · 20/10/2020 20:30

It does get a easier. My DH has worked away since ours were babies though often odd hours. The worst thing for me was that our DC couldn't understand that he didn't have a regular 9-5 job like their friends parents.

At 2yo now is the time to get your little one to help with the cooking. even if it's just mixing something in the pan. It might help expand the toddler approved list too!

Can you afford a cleaner for a few hours a week? That way it'll free up some time at the weekends.

morethanmeetstheeye · 20/10/2020 20:38

Routine, accepting you can't do it all and finding ways to cut corners a bit.

I actually loved it when DH was away. We worked better that way and I had my own groove. You'll get there x

BlueThursday · 20/10/2020 20:40

It’s one of the reasons we only have one child.

DH works away for up to six weeks at a time and I couldn’t manage on my own wkth more than one all that time

I doubt we could afford the childcare either as we don’t have any family help

MrsGatsby99 · 20/10/2020 21:04

One of the reasons we only have one child too. Definitely think that was the right decision for us. It will get easier as LO gets older. 2 can be so difficult so don't beat yourself up, op. Do you have anyone who could possibly babysit for a couple of hours midweek maybe, even if just 9nce per fortnight so you could get a bit of a break. Routine might be helpful but it can get so tedious!

Original poster

ThePerfectRose · 21/10/2020 12:44

Thank you.

We are actually ttc but will have relocated by then. I would definitely not be able to cope with another in this situation! I think anyone who does is amazing.

Feeling a bit more positive today, been on zoom with some family and Dh is going to come back early to do the nursery run.

DD is going to her grandparents for a day this weekend ( I usually hate leaving her) think we definitely need some time together.

OP posts:

HoldMyLobster · 21/10/2020 13:45

I used to struggle with it, not helped by others apparently finding it easy. Everything you say is how I felt OP.

It got easier as they got older and now they're all teens it's a doddle. Of course DH doesn't now travel because of Covid.

Be kind to yourself. Take breaks, get help, eat out or get takeaway now and then, cuddle up in bed and watch TV together - whatever gives you a break and eases the pressure on you.

Valkadin · 21/10/2020 13:58

DH worked away a lot till a couple of years ago and there was also no real pattern. I was fine but I was working so had plenty of adult interaction. We also live 250 miles from closest family member. I think a lot of this is down to our own inherent personality type. One tip is if you miss feeling snuggled up at night stick a pillow lengthwise and put your back up against it at night. I found myself feeling a bit all at sea in our superkingsize bed.

MrsGatsby99 · 21/10/2020 18:28

Really pleased you are feeling more positive.
Love the suggestion by a PP about the pillow as this is how I feel at times and that helped me too.
Our situation is not going to change any time soon due to a combination of my career and DH's. I am ok with it now but am very pleased for you that it shouldn't be for much longer but these are things that have helped us:

plan some easier meals a few times per week to coincide with longer work days for me.
hire a cleaner if you can or try to get most tasks done in the week so you get free weekends.
plan something to look forward to every now and then (covid permitting) either with DH or friends
let perfection go!

💐💐💐

Therollockingrogue · 21/10/2020 18:40

So I did this for a long time. My children lived in go to outfits of leotard and wellies for around 7 years. My cleaning style involved a broom nearly as wide as the room , and a stack of building trugs.
Basically standards were pretty low but on the other hand they’ve grown up to be very capable and independent .
Simplify everything and go easy on yourself.

Terrace58 · 21/10/2020 18:44

It was really hard when dd was 2. Now that she is older, in some ways it is simpler. Only one person in charge, no resenting that the other adult isn’t pulling their weight that night. I also adjust the routine a bit to my ideal instead of the one that DH and I follow
Together.

In the short term, that would be my rec. find a routine that works for you, even if it seems crazy. Move dinner time, bedtime, switch to pjs at 3pm. Do whatever works to make your day easier.

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