Uniform, separated parents

[dinomumm]

So, there may be an obvious solution but I'm yet to find it.

Me and kids dad share them, certain days I drop them off and he picks up and vice versa, so we don't have to see each other basically. He's a narcissist and was emotionally abusive to me, still is now when given the chance, so not a reasonable person to talk to.
Because of Covid, on pe days they have to go in dressed in their pe kit, the problem is, on those days I pick them up, and end up with no uniform for them. When they went back to school both me and their dad bought uniform. But somehow it keeps ending up at his and I end up with none. I can't keep buying it obviously. What can I do?

I agree, I don't think withholding the PE kit is the right way to go.
How would he react if you text him and just said that the kids don't have any uniform to wear to school tomorrow and DC are worried they will get into trouble for not wearing their uniform so could you please drop their uniform off tonight to stop them from worrying? How close are the DC to him? Would the 11yo feel comfortable asking him to return their clothes?

Aargh- i feel your pain

Similar problems with days and what they wear. I pack the pe kit in the bag to go back. He never packs a uniform in by return. I have to ask, he does provide it , but i have to ask. every, time. Its never offered spontaneously. But heaven forbid i forget to pack what he needs 🤯
Same with weekend clothes which I drop them off wearing, which don't come back and i have to ask for them.
I mean FFS its not that hard to work it out that things need to cycle back to where they came from. He certainly will immediately point out anything else must return immediately 🤯🤯🤯🤯

Pretty strict unfortunately, the ties alone cost £6 and the older 2 have to wear them.

Yeah I've tried texting him, my eldest is always particularly upset without the right uniform because she gets detention.
I always send stuff back in their school bags, it's not difficult but he claims he can't remember and just doesn't do it. So frustrating

If he's saying he cant remember can you text him the night before AND also 15min before they leave fir school? Text you 11yrold too if she has a phone and get her to remind dad?
He'll see in get annoyed enough if you do it every week, but might just do it?

My xh would do exactly this. These narcissistic fkrs should be locked in a room together.

@elaeocarpus yup I text him the night before plus in the morning but doesn't seem to take any notice. I think you are right that my 11 year old may need to do the prompting with him... she's quick enough to tell me if I forget stuff 🤣 so she should do it. He always ends up with all their shoes or wellies or something too, drives me mad, yet I think about the kids and what they need and send it back, as a lot of you probably know reasoning with someone like it is just impossible 😩. I've told him it doesn't matter if the uniform needs washing, that's not a problem I can do that but he's still a knob about it

@OhioOhioOhio agreed! Co parenting with a narcissist... it's just awful.

Not sure if this has been said but I'd make them change into their uniform at school.

Will the school be understanding if you explain the situation to them (and if you feel willing to do so)?

I think you need to tell school that the uniform issue is out of your daughter’s control. And if they keep giving her detention, escalate it to the head. It’s horribly unfair on her and she must feel so sad and frustrated.

I would speak to the school about the problem. Your dc shouldn't be getting detention because of their useless dickhead father.

Could they change before leaving and put uniform on after arriving at school?

If he won't return the uniform he will have to stop collecting from school and collect from you (or a neutral place convenient to you) later in the evening.

Worst case scenario, meet up with her just before school starts?

Might she be allowed to keep spare uniform there?

This is making my blood boil. It’s so frustrating, there’s no one that can make him do it

I think the only thing you can do is talk to whoever is in charge of pastoral care at the school. It is very, very unfair that your children are being punished by the school with detention because of the abusive behaviour of their father. It Is abusive because he is deliberately witholding uniform in the full knowledge that his DC will be punished.
His behaviour is inexcusable.
The school should facilitate a system of allowing the children to change at school so their uniform doesn't go to his house.

I wish all of us with useless ex’s could call on a sort of communal big brother/Dad service that could give these men a kick up the arse

I also think your daughter needs to be really letting dad know (tears and all if necessary) how upset she is about incorrect uniform , detentions etc. And how its his fault/responsibility because he never sends it back.

Can you park outside his house and send her in with a bag to pack a truckload of things one day too? Maybe turn up early before school on your day and send them all in to get a uniform put on ' as they have none'

Its really not fair but on her but he's being an obtuse dick on purpose here.

I have this too. Except I’m the one who buys all the uniform, and he buys none.

ExH tried to say he needed to have a set of uniform at his house, even though dc go in PE kit from his house. He does mostly hand it all back, thankfully, but only after several reminders. And, annoyingly, I only seem to be getting last year’s socks (ie too small) back, so keep having to buy more.

No idea why he has to be so difficult about it all!

Unfortunately I can't go to his for them to put on uniform before school as he lives 12 miles away, I don't have time to drive that way and back before school.

I'm going to speak to school definitely today, see what they say because the kids shouldn't be getting in trouble for it. It's the most frustrating thing ever.