Helping DD through grief, what can I do?

[FoundingNatie]

My daughter is a remarkable young woman. She is 23, married and has a good job. She is a brilliant mother. I’m her birth mother. I gave her up when I was 18. My daughter shows me up really, she has my grandson at 19. She reached out to me when she was 18, it’s never been a secret who I was, not forever.

Anyway, our relationship isn't that of a typical mother/daughter. I’m not very close with her in that way but I’m so very proud of her and kicking myself for letting her go every day since the day I met her again.

She’s just had her second stillbirth in a row. She’s torn to bits. I want to help but I wonder what to do practically? Will meals be wanted? Does that help? What about if I take care of my grandson for A few days? She will decline like last time I expect as he’s still breastfed! But maybe I could take him for the day each day?

I don’t have very close relationships with anyone in my life. My own mother was vile and abusive. I’m not like that but I find relationships don’t come naturally. I’ve always focused on my work.

Any ideas would be welcome

Meals will help. If your grandchild is still breastfed what about saying you’ll look after him at her house, help her out with cleaning etc. Or ask her if there is anything she needs/wants doing?

What a horrible situation for her! I’m sure just the offer of help and support will mean the world even if she declines it. Call or text her regularly to check in, let her know that you care. Follow her lead

So sorry to hear this, how sad . I think the thing is to let her know you are there for her and thinking of her, and be guided by her. Meals sound like a nice idea if you make easy things which can be put in the freezer and she can eat when she feels like it (nothing too complicated or difficult). You can offer to take the older baby as well, she may well want him with her, but so long as you aren't offended or upset if she says no there's no harm in asking (same with the food if she says no thanks then just take it on the chin, she'll have her reasons).

If she would like to, talk together about the baby(s) she has lost, use their names etc. If she was able to see and hold the baby you can ask to see pictures etc (if you wouldn't find this too upsetting and inadvertently make it about yourself). Friends who have gone through stillbirth have told me the most upsetting thing was that some people (well meaning but misguidedly) acted as though the baby never existed for fear of upsetting the parents, or said 'consoling' things like 'don't mind you can always have another'. I think the charity Tommy's may have some better up to date advice.

The best thing may just be to keep checking in, letting her know you are thinking of her, available to chat and listen to her if she ever wants it, but without putting too much pressure on, let her take the lead. When I've lost significant others (nothing as traumatic as a stillbirth mind) I tend to want to be alone mainly and certainly don't want a lot of fuss, I think that's quite common and not a reflection of someone's love for others in their life, just a grief thing....

Offer practical help. A bereaved friend of mine gets upset and annoyed by people saying they are thinking of her. How does that help her? What effect does that have on her life? She says she feels abandoned and forgotten by people who say that, yet do nothing.

Id recommend she try and listen to a few episodes of griefcast. Theres one with an expert on that particular subject.

I think meals is a good idea (especially if freezable) as is offering practical help which could include shopping or childcare, but not being pushy as she might not want to be away from her eldest. Also tell her how sorry you are and talk about the baby using the name they picked (assuming they had one).

So sorry for you and your daughter. I don't have any experience of adoption. But you sound very cari. I think yiy just need to say you know your relationship is potentially difficult and the still birth probably brings up lots about her adoption but you want to help. Lots of people need suggestions as they won't ask so starting to do things like taking a meal round or aski g to look after your grandson. Or perhaps doing some cleaning?