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Original poster

Ex is in ITU , I’m really worried

23 replies

Crystalknobs · 19/10/2020 16:32

My ex was a violent abuser and I split with him when dd was 9months old. He’s continued to give me grief over the years but I have managed to remain civil with him for dd’s sake.

He had a fall down stairs last night, dd got a call from the police to say he’s in hospital. He’s in a bad way , intubated with a brain injury.
To say I dislike him is an understatement but I hope he’s ok for my dd.
I’m surprised I feel so upset, we’ll find out more from the doctor this evening after another scan.
As if this year couldn’t get any worse.

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 19/10/2020 16:57

I'm sorry to read that, you must feel very conflicted.

Original poster
Crystalknobs · 19/10/2020 17:01

I do , I spent many years wishing him ill but really hope he pulls through.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalknobs · 19/10/2020 17:03

I’m more worried for my daughter, her relationship with him has been rocky but he’s her dad and she loves him.

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 19/10/2020 17:03

Can't begin to imagine how conflicted you must feel. I've spent many hours wishing and hoping something awful would happen to ExH, but the reality of that is I'd have 3 very upset and broken DCs to support, and I wouldn't wish that heartbreak upon them.
I hope he gets better for your DC sake.

movingonup20 · 19/10/2020 17:06

Yes it's a very conflicted situation but alas you aren't alone. Thinking of you both Thanks

happy97 · 19/10/2020 17:12

@movingonup20 I know exactly how you feel. I had the same situation 3 months ago when my ex husband had a stroke. Same set of emotions as you. It's really hard trying to reconcile how you feel now to how you feel about him. I hate(d) my ex but I supported him through his recovery.

Unfortunately leopards don't change their spots and he's back to being an arse despite everything I did.

Please message me if you need anything.

Original poster
Crystalknobs · 19/10/2020 17:22

I’ve felt more sorry for him as the years have passed, he has severe depression and his life has been a mess. He texted me on Monday saying he felt very low as a friend of his had passed away and was I available for a chat. I replied saying sorry to hear about his friend but then ignored his following message.

I now wish I had spoken to him but I guess I didn’t know this would happen.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 19/10/2020 17:22

Yes, I can understand how you feel. I was married to a guy who became an alcoholic, we divorced and I was with someone else. After about 15 years I was contacted saying my first husband was about to pass away and did I want to come and see him as apparently he wanted to see me. It was a hard decision but I said no. In my case it was slightly easier as I didn't have kids with him but with your DC that's even more difficult.

I think all you can do is be there to support your DC but step away from him and try not to get involved.

Original poster
Crystalknobs · 20/10/2020 01:15

Ridiculous that I keep thinking about when we first met and how much I loved him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalknobs · 20/10/2020 20:51

Dd went to see him today, it really doesn’t look good 😞

OP posts:
happy97 · 20/10/2020 20:52

Really sorry to hear that Crystalknobs, are you ok?

Original poster
Crystalknobs · 20/10/2020 20:56

Not really, my daughter is amazing, very stoic but it will hit her soon I’m sure.

OP posts:
EmbarrassedUser · 20/10/2020 20:59

If it were me, I’d just focus on my child and not even think about my ex. Sounds cruel but personally I think that, as her mum, really that’s your job. Don’t get caught up in the past.

Original poster
Crystalknobs · 20/10/2020 21:13

No I know, she’s really been so sensible, she’s refraining from calling the ward, saying that she knows how busy they are and will call her if there’s any changes. I’m very proud of her.

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winterchills · 20/10/2020 21:16

I can totally see why you would be sad and overthinking things. Your poor DD 💞

CiderJolly · 20/10/2020 21:22

Go with her to see him, and be there for her. No regrets then should the worse happen. Make your peace.

Anderton · 20/10/2020 21:25

It must be very difficult for you both. I hope your daughter is coping okay.

Original poster
Crystalknobs · 20/10/2020 21:27

I’ve made my peace with him, we talk quite regularly and I’ve helped him with stuff.
He has 2 children from his first marriage who are miffed because he has my daughter as next of kin . Neither of them has bothered with him despite his trying to see them , so my daughter has that to contend with as well.

I’m going to see him later this week, only one visitor is allowed per day.

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Original poster
Crystalknobs · 20/10/2020 21:31

I feel a bit guilty that despite appearing to him I was his ‘friend ‘ I harboured so much resentment. It made my daughter feel better that I got on with him.

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Krampusasbabysitter · 20/10/2020 21:53

I can never understand these kinds of threads. He was a violent abuser. Why would you be his friend? It's sad for your daughter but he wasn't a prince among men. Rather someone like him than any decen kind men!

Original poster
Crystalknobs · 20/10/2020 22:03

I did it for my daughter, he was an unwell man , yes he treated me dreadfully but he loved our daughter, he did seek help and apologised to me. It’s complicated , I just feel so sorry for dd , it’s a lot for her to deal with.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 20/10/2020 23:20

@Krampusasbabysitter

I can never understand these kinds of threads. He was a violent abuser. Why would you be his friend? It's sad for your daughter but he wasn't a prince among men. Rather someone like him than any decen kind men!
fwiw, my ex was abusive. I feel no hate or like for him, I feel nothing but indifference. However he’s my children’s father and it’s better to be keep things on an even keel and maintain some influence in the relationship. My children and their well bring is the most important thing having a functional relationship with him benefits my children.
CiderJolly · 21/10/2020 05:51

@Krampusasbabysitter

It’s not as simple as you’re making out- life never is.

You’re doing the right thing Op, I’m sorry for what your daughter is going through- I hope her dad pulls through.

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