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Original poster

Getting back to work with no references?

27 replies

needanewidea · 19/10/2020 12:46

I've had a solid work history with good references until about 2 years ago.

I had two part time jobs, and I'm not sure how to explain what happened but I was overwhelmed with everything (motherhood, DS's SEN, not managing a big schedule at work, etc) and I left both on fairly bad terms - I left work unfinished with them. I'm embarrassed to contact them and I really wouldn't be surprised if they refuse to give me a reference. I worked hard for them until the last few months when it all fell apart. I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) and I found out the hard way that the techniques I've always used to get stuff done, fell over when I had too much on my plate.

Since then I've done part time work for DH's company from home.

I need to get back into work, but how can I without references? I can't really ask my DH to give me a reference can I? And none of his clients know I even exist!

I don't want to go for an ambitious job, just something straightforward I can do. We really need the money. And I need to get out of the house. I'm slipping into depression being home all the time I think.

I know now's not a good time to be job hunting, but I could at least try if I knew what to do about references.

Any advice would be gratefully received!

OP posts:
BobbinThreadbare123 · 19/10/2020 12:49

Get your DH to do a 'company' reference from his company. For the other one, can you go to the company you worked for before the one that went a bit awry? If you worked for a large enough company you'll be contacting HR for the ref and nowadays they're often very bland ie confirming your dates of employment and that's it.

Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 12:57

Thanks for the reply.

Isn't it a bit cheeky asking DH for a reference? He's a one man band (with in house assistant!) registered to our hone address! Is it legit to ask your DH for a reference?

It was two companies (I was working two part time jobs) and they're both tiny, no faceless HR to talk to unfortunately.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 19/10/2020 13:00

Two years isn't too far back to go for a reference. And agree your DHs company can give you a reference. No need to worry.

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BobbinThreadbare123 · 19/10/2020 13:22

Have you done any volunteering? Sorry to make it sound like you're prepping a personal statement for uni Grin but volunteer refs can be just as helpful as paid employment ones.

Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 13:31

Yes, I've done a fair bit of of unpaid work that shows off my skills - but over the last 2 years it's all been radical feminist / activist based and I fear it will probably send my CV straight to the "file in the bin" pile, especially for public sector jobs. Sad

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/10/2020 13:32

“Career break” for two years is fine imo

Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 13:33

@Viviennemary

Two years isn't too far back to go for a reference. And agree your DHs company can give you a reference. No need to worry.
Sorry I probably explained it badly! 2 years ago are the jobs I left under bed terms. I'd have to go back a lot longer than that for a previous job. (I was busing having young DC for a good while before those jobs).

Let me think, when is the last job I could get a decent reference for... about 10 years ago I think.

OP posts:
AriettyHomily · 19/10/2020 13:37

So what did you do in the preceding 8 years if you have to go back 10?!

Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 13:45

My CV looks like this:

Worked as a nanny as a young women
Started working in offices in my early 20s

Worked in comms and marketing since my mid 20s, and until...

Had DC in my mid-30s. All the jobs on my CV came with excellent references at this point.

Was a SAHM for 5 years, till youngest went to nursery.

Went back to work early 40s. Did one admin job for a friend-of-a- friend. He was a wanker. To be fair, my friend did warn me but it was a flexible WFH job and I really wanted it, to fit in with the DC. But the guy was more of a wanker than I could have imagined. I'm not going to him for a reference.
42-44, working 2 part time jobs, the ones I messed up at the end.
44 - 46 (now!) working for DH's company part time.

OP posts:
Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 13:55

Had I not screwed these jobs up, I would have just omitted the job for the wanker from my CV and said I was just returning to work then.

But I did do a lot of things for the 2 most recent jobs that I'm really proud of, and which are available to view online. I do want them on my CV. I did do a good job till the end. I don't understand what went so badly wrong but I think it was stress related. I don't know what to say to my former employer. I feel I let them down badly.

OP posts:
Bearnecessity · 19/10/2020 13:57

Do a few admin jobs for a friend and get them to give you a reference.

Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 14:04

I feel like 5 minutes ago I was in my mid-30s, on a decent salary with a pension.

Then I had DC and now I'm unemployable, no pension and no prospects and nearly 50!

I also feel I need to give myself a kick up the arse and get out of this way of thinking, that's what I mean about slipping into depression. I don't go out, it struck me how little lockdown actually changed about my life. It really wasn't much different for me other than that we did some nice walks and the streets were peaceful.

I need to get back into work and feeling useful.

The stuff I do for DH keeps me out of trouble but it's all really basic admin stuff I can do standing on my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 14:04

@Bearnecessity

Do a few admin jobs for a friend and get them to give you a reference.
That's a good idea thanks. I'm not sure if I have anyone who needs this but it can't hurt to ask can it.
OP posts:
Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 14:06

When I worked outside the home, I always had plans and kept in touch with friends. Now I'm skint all the time and have let everything get on top of me.

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 19/10/2020 14:22

Are you in the UK? I have never been asked for one when switching jobs. Apparently here it's quite troublesome for a company to give a bad reference (unlike US) anyway. Are you even sure you actually need references?

Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 14:25

Yes I'm in the UK. I've always been asked for references for a new job. Isn't it pretty standard?

OP posts:
Squirrel26 · 19/10/2020 14:30

I don’t mean to sound like I don’t believe you, but are you sure that from their point of view things ended badly, or did it seem like that to you because at the time you were not in a good place? Two years later, they may well have forgotten exactly what happened when you left, especially if things were fine for most of the time. (I say that because I waste loads of time worrying about things that are huge in my head, but not, it turns out, in anyone else’s.)

BobbinThreadbare123 · 19/10/2020 14:45

You need references and it isn't illegal or difficult to give a bad one, it just has to be factually correct.
OP, is there anyone nice at your previous company who would write one for you? I bet it isn't as bad as you think, but it might be daunting to get in touch with them. Especially since you didn't muck up on purpose but your ADHD just got the better of you. I have ASD so I understand a bit.

UserABCDE12345 · 19/10/2020 16:14

Can you put a friend as a personal reference as well as your DH for the professional one? With my company you can do this and tick which type of reference it is.

It can't be that unusual due to people having career breaks.

Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 21:51

Can you put a friend as a personal reference as well as your DH for the professional one? With my company you can do this and tick which type of reference it is.

I always thought that was for students with no work experience? Can you really do that aged 40-odd?

OP posts:
Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 21:52

OP, is there anyone nice at your previous company who would write one for you? I bet it isn't as bad as you think, but it might be daunting to get in touch with them. Especially since you didn't muck up on purpose but your ADHD just got the better of you. I have ASD so I understand a bit.

They were both tiny outfits. If I went to anyone other than the big boss, they'd just refer it on to them and it'd be obvious I was trying to avoid them!

Thanks for your understanding xx

OP posts:
Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 21:55

@Squirrel26

I don’t mean to sound like I don’t believe you, but are you sure that from their point of view things ended badly, or did it seem like that to you because at the time you were not in a good place? Two years later, they may well have forgotten exactly what happened when you left, especially if things were fine for most of the time. (I say that because I waste loads of time worrying about things that are huge in my head, but not, it turns out, in anyone else’s.)
Thanks Squirrel, that's actually really nice of you to suggest that, and I do do this sometimes.

But I really did mess this up. I feel ashamed and with good reason. It's really dented my confidence tbh.

OP posts:
Hormonecrazyhell · 19/10/2020 22:08

Agency work? In my experience you don’t need reference for temp agency work, but they could give you one when you’re ready to apply for perm job

Original poster
needanewidea · 19/10/2020 22:32

Oh, you're a genius! There is an agency I worked for ages ago, just for a month. They might give me temp work again without a reference as I've worked for them before. It was ages ago! But worth a try isn't it.

OP posts:
UserABCDE12345 · 19/10/2020 23:41

@needanewidea

Can you put a friend as a personal reference as well as your DH for the professional one? With my company you can do this and tick which type of reference it is.

I always thought that was for students with no work experience? Can you really do that aged 40-odd?

Yes. I had to when I returned to work after many years off due to illness and the only reference I had was from a course I had recently done. Then again when I had to list last 2 employers, I don't have that as 1 is from 15 years ago and completely irrelevant.